Tag: Covid

Dream about her Brother

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She wakes up with the dream still fresh in her mind. It was about her brother, technically her half brother but they never called each other “half,” showing up out of nowhere with a girlfriend and apologized to her for all the hurtful things that he had done to her and her husband. He hugged her and promised her that he would be back soon.

The Trapped Butterfly has three half siblings from their dad’s previous marriage before he married her mother. Some of them were close when she was a little girl but they were older and had been through a lot of horrible trauma from their mother who had given them to Dad. And Dad was abusive. The boys had it so much worse than the girls. She still sees the horrific wooden paddle with holes in it that her dad made for “spanking.” Even though it was never used on her, she was terrified of it. The boys were beaten with it often in the basement because they got into trouble a lot due to the ongoing abuse and trauma. Finally, the oldest brother, the one that the dream was about, was old enough to leave and went to his mom’s house until he got a place and eventually got married only for him to cheat and have a child with another woman. More on this in a minute.

The day he decided to leave, he was supposed to take the 7 or 8 year old Trapped Butterfly fishing. It was going to be the first time she ever went fishing. She loved her oldest brother. He took time to play with her and do things with her and her other siblings. And when he found out that their brother had stolen her money that she was saving for a Cabbage Patch Kids “baby,” he beat him up and got her money back. She was so excited that day and told everyone at school that she was going to go fishing with her brother after school. But when her school bus dropped her off at her babysitter’s house and he wasn’t there, she was confused. Her babysitter said that he was probably just a little late and she got her some juice while she waited. Soon her sister came walking down the street to pick her up. The Trapped Butterfly asked where Jay was and her sister said that they would talk about it when they got home. It was a confusing, sad walk home as her sister pushed her in her wheelchair a few blocks from the babysitter to their house.

The Trapped Butterfly’s mother was home and she can’t remember if her dad was home too. But Jay had packed up his stuff in a big garbage bag and left a note saying he was moving to his mother’s house because he had had enough. Later she would find out that he had been planning this for a while. He was gone and stayed away for a while before he started visiting. Then when The Trapped Butterfly became an adult they entered into an adult sibling relationship.

She was heartbroken the day he left day. She sat in her special table that was supportive enough for her to sit there alone and look out the window. From that point on it wasn’t long before her other older brother and sister also took refuge at their mother’s house.

All her siblings are fucked up from the horrible childhood that they had. Some will never admit it and others are addicts. But Jay and Lynn tried to make time for her and have a relationship with her. Unfortunately, the fucked up part kept getting in the way of a healthy relationship.

She knew that everyone struggled with alcohol and drugs and she was worried that Jay was an alcoholic too. Unfortunately, she was right but she and her husband continued to support and help him. Sadly, he took a lot from them. But she felt like he was the only one who “got” it about Dad. Plus, she loved being an aunt to her niece. Yes, cheating was wrong, but seeing her brother be so good with his daughter made her hope that the cycle of abuse would stop with him.

Tragically, the alcoholism got worse and worse. They actually bailed him out of jail a few times. Then the mom took his daughter and he didn’t fight for her. Slowly everything unraveled and they lost touch for years and then reconnected on Facebook. Nothing was the same anymore. She has no idea where he is now or where her niece is. She is so afraid to reach out to him because of everything that has happened with her narcissistic mother and has blocked out most of her family. It’s not safe. She doesn’t know what bull shit is being said about her. Would he be like her sister and take her abusers’ side?

It’s ironic that her mother witnessed the abuse, and yet, they don’t blame her for not doing anything about it. Hell, it’s only been in the past few years of therapy, after the shit really hit the fan with her mother that she realized that she was a part of the abuse. Just because she rescued The Trapped Butterfly when she heard her crying with her dad as a child doesn’t mean her mother was not a part of the abuse. In fact, she let The Trapped Butterfly go to her dad’s house every other weekend and for a week during vacations after her parents got divorced. She knew she was hit and verbally and emotionally abused by him. She saw signs that sometimes The Trapped Butterfly didn’t want to go to her dad’s house, yet, she didn’t do anything about it because she needed a “break.” Her mother sure had everyone fooled.

So Jay is out there (hopefully) somewhere and so is her niece, but she doesn’t feel safe trying to find him. And why hasn’t he reached out to them to apologize for everything? She hopes that the dream wasn’t his spirit reaching out to her because he is not on the Earth anymore. Only time will tell. But she cried that morning when she told her husband about it and wondered why she was crying. Obviously, she misses connection with people. Covid, narcissism, abuse, and natural death have taken way too much from her. Will she ever get any of it back?

Trapped Again by Covid and Selfish People

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She had a nightmare the other night that the new tattoo shop was full of people. Her husband had to tell them to stay away from her. She was trying to cover her face with her hands and people were making fun of her.

Another Covid dream. She’s been having them since the pandemic started. She is terrified of getting the virus. She’s terrified of her husband getting it. Yes, they have made some progress in the vaccines and treatments, but unfortunately, due to the narcissistic person who was president at the time of the start of the pandemic, the CDC and conspiracy theorists have made this worse than it might have been had they had a normal president at the time.

Now that tattoo appointment that she had to do a bunch of research on before she made it is gone. The governor has put her state in another state of emergency due to Covid and the flu going nuts. Hospitals are overwhelmed and again people are on ventilators.

What the FUCK??? Rage filled her body. She HATES people. They are illiterate and have an IQ of -120!!!! Don’t mask. Don’t get vaccinated and boosted. Don’t continue to limit crowds. She is actually surprised that it took this long for the whole thing to blow up. She thinks it did in the summer but not to this point. And the media kept it under wraps due to the election.

She has been sacrificing her fucking life so everyone can live and get people sick. It’s the politicians’ and greed’s fault. Money above all else. Sickening! But The Trapped Butterfly is so sick of sacrificing her life!! She is so done with empathy for anyone but the children and the people who are truly trying their best to protect themselves and others from illnesses!

If people are going to restaurants and doing other shit without a mask and get sick with Covid, too bad! They are making it impossible for her to fucking live, so she is angry. They are absolutely destroying her wings!! And their own health as well as other people’s health.

Covid is the worst thing ever to happen! She can’t risk getting it or her husband getting it. It’s getting harder for him to care for her. When he had pneumonia last month and was out of breath from carrying her, it scared her! What if he was able to stay home with her but couldn’t get out of bed and care for her and the kitties? And then they looked up the oral treatment for Covid and they said that the pills cannot be crushed or broken so if she can’t take them, she is fucked!!!

Everything hurts so much. She misses her family—both biological and chosen. They shit all over her and she still misses them so much! It hurts so much! Gawd dammit!! It hurts! Her body aches and she sobs. She is so fucking tired of choosing the hard road to try to get to the better road. Is there even a better road??

As Bryan Adams sings, “It cuts like a knife, but it feels so right!”

Just a Trapped Butterfly in a Complicated World

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

It’s already Christmas time and she has been struggling with grief, physical pain, anxiety, and depression. She keeps getting the ache in her chest and stomach as if her heart was ripped out and she has been split in two. She has been having trouble with her emotional responses lately. It scares her.

Recently a few people have gotten Covid and have not been doing everything in their power to protect themselves from it. She has very little empathy for them. Really, she feels angry at them for being so stupid and selfish by not doing everything they can to help prevent it. Of course, she wants them to be ok. But her darker side is almost wanting something bad to happen to really wake them up to the fact that this virus is still deadlier than the flu. She knows this really isn’t who she is or who she wants to become, but being unable to free herself without fear of getting really sick or getting her husband really sick has made her just over it.

She actually misses the days of the start of the pandemic when many people were doing the right things. There were always assholes, but the majority of the people who were smart and on the side of Science did everything they could to help protect themselves and others. Now it’s even lonelier. The majority has decided that the pandemic is over and that Covid is not something to worry about.

Not even a year ago thousands of people were dying from Covid. Now deaths are lower but still higher than the flu. She just doesn’t understand. And yet, she’s supposed to be all empathetic when people who are not doing enough to protect themselves and others get sick? It’s confusing. She wants to be free, but she’s afraid of the virus because they are so high risk.

Her wings are desperate to open more. Yet, the other day while waiting for curbside services, she was watching all the people in the parking lot and she felt so grossed out. The thought of even trying to get out of the vehicle gave her physical tingles down her spine. She thought that if she was to try to get out of the vehicle, she would have a panic attack.

She feels like she’s losing her mind. She has a tattoo appointment in a week, and yet, she’s not able to be excited about it. She has to make sure that they don’t come in contact with unmasked people. She had to research the hell out of them before she even contacted them to see if they would work with her unique body and then keep them safe from viruses. Nothing is simple anymore. NOTHING!! Being severely physically disabled is always complicated. And the older she gets, the more complicated it becomes. But now she can’t DO ANYTHING WITHOUT INTENSE PLANNING!!! And with the country acting like it is over, it’s even more dangerous and complicated!

So why should she have a lot of empathy when people are sick if they don’t even try anymore? She’s literally lost so much ability than she already was limited by her disability. Hell, she can’t even take a shit without a very special, supportive chair for the butterfly to sit in. Hers is falling apart and hurting her hip but it isn’t readily available. Hopefully the guy she was hooked up with will find her one. But she can’t go to the wheelchair place to see if they can make one for her unless it’s private and they wear masks.

It hurts to be ignored even more by society. It hurts that people are just doing whatever they want and not being careful. What about us?

Yet, there are times when the spirit world hears her. Yesterday was one of those times. As her husband smoked his cigar, The Trapped Butterfly “went antiquing” online. Oh how she used to love antiquing. The smell of old things made her take deep breaths to drink in the scent of days gone by. She loves antique cats and Santas. The smell of her husband’s cigar made it smell antique like.

After looking at some cool antique Santas, she decided to look for a couple of Santas that her grandparents had in her childhood. Anyone who has been following her journey since Grandpa went to Heaven knows that she quickly learned that her grandma isn’t who she grew up with, and that her narcissistic mother started really showing her true self even more after her grandpa left for the ether.

She realizes he was her mediator for the stuff she was was either unaware of and/or didn’t want to see. So knowing that she will never get anything else from them when Grandma finally goes, she decided to find one of the 2 Santas that she remember from childhood. One she was afraid of because it would dance when you squeeze the belly. The other one was dancing on a stand. She asked her grandpa to help her find one. Her husband asked the spirits to help her as he sent cigar smoke to the heavens.

She couldn’t find the exact one but she showed her husband the picture of the one they have and the set she found on eBay. He immediately said yes because she was over analyzing it and wanted to make sure that it was close enough. Her husband immediately recognized it was very close to the one that her grandparents had and she ordered it. Plus, Mrs. Claus is included. Tears of joy ran down her face because Grandpa was helping her again. Thank you, Grandpa! I love you so much! Big hug! She got hers!

Eruption

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly has been fighting for this opportunity for a few months after the tattoo artist she found to give her a private tattoo session failed her this fall. She finally found another private shop where they are very liberal about everything. She took her time researching the shop and the artists. She hemmed and hawed over reaching out to them.

See, her biological family, including her narcissistic mother, have tattoos and she always wanted one, but due to her inability to sit still due to her severe cerebral palsy as well as her low tolerance for pain, she never thought she could do it. After her beloved grandfather went to Heaven, she decided she wanted to do it and get one for her grandpa.

Nobody thought that it would work for her. As determined as she was, The Trapped Butterfly had her doubts about it. Then she researched it herself and found out that others with her condition had tattoos. She still remembers the day when her husband took her to a local tattoo shop to see if anyone was even willing to try it with her…Ahhhh….The days before Covid…The days before all hell really broke loose leading to pretty much constant trauma…The days when she was as free as she could be…

Anyway, the day they went to the tattoo shop, she was so anxious that they would just reject her. She hated rejection. But they didn’t reject her! She got the appointment for the day after her birthday and she got so fucking high for the tattoo and she did it!!

Since then, she can’t get enough ink. In the past 6 years she has covered her body with beautiful colors and artwork that reflect her and the different things she loves as well as the different traumas she has been through. Getting tattoos makes her have to remain in the present moment. Tattoos make her feel accomplished, successful, pretty, and in control. She has constant physical and emotional pain. Tattoo pain is her choice!!

She tries so desperately to keep her emotional pain under wraps but it comes out. And it came out this morning when she got a message from her, hopefully, new artist that she’s not able to get her in in the best time of day for The Trapped Butterfly and her husband. Well, her brain, even though she had just meditated, went into panic and fight and flight mode. She knows that this is a very difficult time of day for them to be getting her tattooed. It’s during dinner time and tattoos usually take 2 hours or more. When her husband wasn’t able to give her what she needed, she erupted.

She admitted that the time was awful. She wanted him to help. But he couldn’t help her, and then she felt backed into a corner. Trapped. Her wings fluttered frantically in attempt to right themselves and not let go of some freedom.

As trapped animals do, when he couldn’t help her, she lashed out at him. In this moment, he was an enemy to protect herself from. She could feel herself doing it again and couldn’t do anything about it. She screamed at him for not helping her even though he does everything for her. The Trapped Butterfly wanted him to understand and feel the pain she was feeling and said something stupid about him not being able to smoke cigars anymore. That led to the response of her being like her dad. Her dad was so selfish and narcissistic that he couldn’t be happy for anyone who had something that he wanted and couldn’t have.

She knows that she can be like her parents. But gawd damnit, she was fucking trapped for almost 3 years!!! Man, not even being able to do anything herself should make her bitter. She desperately wanted children but it didn’t work out, so she should be mad at people for having children. Fuck, she should be pissed at all abled-bodied people for being able to do everything but SHE’S NOT!!! Yes, throughout her life she has felt left out and depressed. She’s gotten envious and angry. But never to the point of her dad. She is not perfect. The majority of the time she’s truly happy for people because she’s got her own full life, or at least she did.

The comment only made her feel worse about herself as she had already felt bad for hurting him. Unfortunately, she was out of control so that comment was the breaking point and she screamed “I HATE YOU” over and over again and that he was like her dad and mother and she screamed her dad’s name over and over.

She screamed and flailed as she was in more pain about her out of control eruption of emotions that she couldn’t control until finally she started to cry and she started to be able to breathe and use some comfort phrases. She played the song, “Beautiful Girl” by Sarah McLachlan in her head to help calm her down and be like a mom talking to her daughter.

She took a while to calm but finally everything started to quit flailing around and she apologized for what she said but she expected it back. She isn’t perfect and she has a trigger about apologies being accepted and forgiveness. She was still in somewhat her head when he apologized and she already forgave him but she forgot to say it so she said it when he asked if she was going to tell him that she forgave her.

The Trapped Butterfly has to be selfish and see if this can be her new home and safe place. Here in rural country, there’s not much selection for tattoo shops and they have to be willing to work with her body as well as keep her and her husband safe from viruses that are spreading because people are selfish and won’t keep wearing masks and keep up with their vaccinations. It’s just bullshit that she continues to be trapped despite being up on all the vaccinations! So she made the decision to go ahead with her tattoo appointment with the new artist and hope for the best with the messed up schedule. Hope that she can release some of the agitation, the restlessness, the pain, the rage by getting really high on cannabis and the meds she needs for her body to relax as much as possible and feeling the pain of the needle going across her skin, stabbing her hundreds of times. The pain that is producing beauty on her body in which she gets to keep forever and ever.

While The Trapped Butterfly still feels very anxious about it for many reasons, the fact that the artist has already been so willing to work with her and responds to her is a hopeful sign. It will all work out. But in a few weeks The Trapped Butterfly will get some much needed freedom and relief!!!

Fuck you, Roo!!

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Reader discretion advised.

She looks at the half finished tattoo that she started with someone that she thought was her soul sister. She has had many so-called “BFFs” or “sisters,” but like her fucking family, they ended up being mentally ill and/or narcissistic. Or maybe she just can’t keep BFFs even though she is so desperate for one.

Roo honestly was the closest thing to a “soul sister” that she had ever had. And yet, here she is with the half finished tattoo desperate to get it finished over a year and a half later.

But thanks to fucking Covid and other viruses currently going around, she can’t just go get it done. It blares at her every fucking day. Of course, she gets her hopes up for another artist to get it done but so far, either they don’t have time for her on a day off or they aren’t comfortable with finishing another artist’s work. So the very thing that is supposed to be giving her pleasure and remembering her beloved iguana, is like an open wound that won’t heal. She is so fucking tired of it. If she was physically able, she may have gotten nice and drunk and high to scratch the fucking thing off. She would rather have the bloody mess and scars than this unfinished constant reminder that her supposed “soul sister” literally fucked her over due to her beliefs that freedom and her ways are so important than everyone else’s. Roo wants to live her way even if it is hurting people. The Trapped Butterfly just wants her freedom back and she wants other people to actually look out for others to let her and her fellow butterflies free.

Yet, she is behaving “narcissistically” according to Roo. The very thing that The Trapped Butterfly thought was a bonding feature of the friendship (both of them have narcissistic parents) turned out to be the very thing to ruin their relationship. Roo’s own horrible abuse had turned her into a horrible, malicious narcissistic bully. Sad, really. Bullying and abuse begets bullying and abuse.

The Trapped Butterfly constantly worries about her behavior being narcissistic but her therapist keeps reassuring her that she isn’t. How dare Roo use her and her husband! How dare Roo’s husband be so stupid not to see that The Trapped Butterfly was trying to figure it out and didn’t/couldn’t see that she was trying to be respectful yet honest.

Maybe that’s why people don’t like The Trapped Butterfly and they walk away from her so easily. Because once The Trapped Butterfly finally figures out their true deal, she calls them out. Not perfectly. She fucks up. She lashes out. But she also has a big heart and she loves fiercely.

Roo, you have hurt The Trapped Butterfly deeply. Some scars, when they finally turn into scars, will be with The Trapped Butterfly for the rest of her fucking life. But mark her words; YOU HAVE NOT AND WILL NOT DESTROY THE TRAPPED BUTTERFLY!! SHE KEEPS FIGHTING FOR HER FREEDOM AND HEALING!!!!

Trapped by Thoughts

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Some may find disturbing. Reader discretion advised.

Ever since she was young, she has had scary thoughts. One thought was on her 9th birthday where she thought, “I’m another year closer to dying.” It scared her but her 9-year-old mind was back to playing with her new birthday presents in no time.

She has obsessive thoughts and anxiety. And now the continued grief for the family and chosen family that she has lost.

It is so exhausting. She tries to rely on her meditation practice to help, and it does, but not enough.

Why can’t she have everyone back in her life? Why’s it so easy to leave her without truly fighting for her? Why can’t we just work it out? What is wrong with her? Do people even truly like her?

These are just some of the obsessive thoughts among many others that she deals with daily. She, being an early childhood professional, always wants to understand the reason behind others behaviors. There’s usually a deeper reason for behaviors than the obvious.

But narcissism is insidious like a cancer. There are no easy answers. You don’t know that you’re in a relationship with one until you get eaten alive-literally and figuratively. They suck on you and they love bomb you so you have no choice but to be eaten up. When you realize that you are being eaten, it’s too late. You have given too much to them! They spit you out like animals and leave you feeling broken, ashamed, deeply hurt, confused, sad, and angry.

That’s how she feels a lot of the time. Her heart is still fucking bleeding from all the pain that they have caused. She tries to put it out of her mind but like a leech, they still have a hold on her.

Why did they do this to her? Why did they use her? Why didn’t she know?

She wishes she could get in the car and drive until she can’t drive anymore. Sometimes she wishes she could drink a bottle of tequila until she passed out. Instead, she is trapped in a body that doesn’t allow her to do anything for herself except type with her nose. And with Covid and other viruses going crazy, she is still trapped with not being able to live how they used to.

She still has happy memories of these people. She wishes she could fix it with all of them. But narcissism won’t allow it. Narcissism will either keep all her sins over her and/or use her until it becomes full again so it can spit her out. Narcissism is keeping the empathetic trapped butterfly from continuing to keep them in her life. She is so freer without being manipulated by the monster. Yet, her thoughts are still trapping her and society is still trapping her. Frankly, there’s many times that she has been disappointed with waking up again.

She longs to be free. She works her ass off to be free. Sometimes when she gets really high, she is free. But will she ever be free from her thoughts, grief, and to be social?

Despair and Grief

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She wakes up feeling that familiar pang in her chest and stomach. She’s very anxious about her husband having another bout of walking pneumonia. It’s either mold or fungi related because they are still living in quarantine with extremely limited exposure to other people due to Covid which continues to weigh deeply on her.

As she begins to meditate and try to become aware of her thoughts and emotions, she realizes that she is missing “them” again. People who she wishes she would stop fucking missing. People who have treated her like shit. She also desperately misses having tattoos that she can look forward to. She’s terrified that if she, hopefully, gets her private appointment in January that it’s going to be impossible to keep getting private sessions since Covid is seemingly “better,” but she doesn’t trust it yet and she feels like it is being suppressed by the media right now due to the election. If this Republican cult gets back in power, it will be even harder to know what is truly going on since Trump has really fucked with the CDC!!

Unfortunately, this grief and despair is a perfect storm for a meltdown. She feels so helpless when her husband is sick. She should be caring for him, but instead, she needs constant care. Dressing, going to the bathroom, feeding, and everything else that you need to do for a young child. Unfortunately, her husband does something that triggers her and she lashes out at him and then it all comes boiling up and out.

He doesn’t mean to trigger her. She hates that she has a hard time regulating her emotions but she tries to breathe and realize that she needs to stop lashing out. She also has a lot of grief and regret about the kitty situation because they lost their beloved first tabby cat whom they adopted with a calico and the kitties grew up together and got along great! A year after the tabby cat crossed the rainbow bridge into Heaven, she was desperate to add another kitty to the family to try to get some joy back into the house and she fell in love with a tabby kitten and they adopted him after trying to make sure it would work out with the older calico. Unfortunately, the kitten was found without a mother and didn’t get the critical socializing that he needed to be a typical cat. He won’t leave the calico alone and he doesn’t understand how to interact without getting too rough. It’s all play and love but he doesn’t have limits like typical kitties have. Despite trying everything, the kitties live separate lives with equal time in the house and in their own “apartments.” This has only made more work for her husband and she feels responsible. She is also sad that the last years of her calico kitty’s life are being spent so differently than her life before the new kitty. There’s a deep ache that she doesn’t get to spend as much time with her calico. It literally makes her sick sometimes even though everyone is happy and are doing well.

She feels angry and scared when her husband is coughing and can’t catch his breath for a few minutes after carrying her to the bathroom and getting her situated so she can have privacy. It makes her angry that people don’t understand how it is. She is so desperate for people to understand and hear her. Some definitely do and show their support. But she is so tired of the ableism of the world and waiting to see what all the viruses and Covid variants are going to do.

She just is desperate for her life to get better for a while and find her tattoo artist that will be there, appropriately, for her. Is this too much to ask??

She still prays but not religious prayers of Christianity. She still finds herself angry at the “Christian god” who is supposed to be able to do anything but it was a lie. God is everything and different entities. It’s not the God of the Bible. She was gullible and fell right into the bull shit. But now she sees that spiritualism is really the best way to go. All prayers and positive vibes have some effects on the world and people. But she hates that she still gets angry at “God” for letting bad stuff happen even though it’s not really Them doing it.

Nighttime falls and it’s time to sleep just to get up and live in the twilight zone again. She doesn’t want to be a trapped butterfly anymore.

Dream about Dad

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Abuse is discussed in this story. Reader discretion advised!

She woke up confused and sad yet happy. She had just had her first happy dream about her dad. Usually the dreams are full of fear, wanting to get away from him, or of his outright abuse. She was always uncomfortable with her dad in her dreams.

You see, her dad didn’t break the abusive cycle that spread throughout his family. Instead, like many who have been abused and deny it, he abused all of his children. She can’t control her muscles and she spasms which makes caring for her hard at times. Unfortunately, this usually got her hit, yelled at, and/or physically handled very roughly. It was always scary and painful, making her cry every time. She still gets triggered if someone is rough with her.

She did feel safe with him occasionally, and she knew he would protect her from things. She loved her daddy, and yet, she didn’t want to be left alone with him for too long just in case something went wrong.

Finally, once she grew up and started dating her husband who was a good friend of her dad’s, he disowned her and then a few years later he suddenly passed away. When he joined the spiritual world, she was so angry with him. She doesn’t remember feeling much sadness. It was there. But the anger and then the horrible anxiety were the main things she experienced directly after his death, which was also almost four months after she got married. No, he didn’t walk her down the aisle or even come to the wedding. He had to saved face. But had he come, she would have cried and hugged him. She was willing to forgive him and have a relationship with him but he refused. Narcissism prevented him from ever truly admitting he was wrong and fix relationships.

Yet, on this morning she felt that grief ache for him and couldn’t believe that she had a good dream about him.

The dream was weird. She has hospital dreams ever since her first actual medically necessary hospitalization and a couple of surgeries since. So this dream she was that she was going in the hospital for some surgery. She was anxious and some of the nurses were wearing masks and others weren’t so she felt anxious about that. They were doing the usual stuff to prep her. They tried giving her a Covid test but she freaked out and couldn’t do it. She kept saying that her dad was coming. She kept asking her husband if he was there.

Finally, he came and she immediately started to sob as they pushed her to him. She hugged him so tight. He was so calm. Then she woke up.

She wondered if it meant anything. She thinks he came to her to comfort her in the way he wasn’t able to. She had had plenty of experiences with him in the spirit world telling her that he was okay and that he loved her. One time the smell of cigarette smoke filled their apartment and there wasn’t anyone anywhere smoking cigarettes. He was a very heavy smoker which contributed to her adult onset and asthma. When her first kitty went to Heaven, it was her dad who said that the kitty was in his lap.

She knows her dad is sorry about the pain he had, and continues to cause, since the scars of abuse live within people for life. But perhaps he saw her suffering in the new world she finds herself in and just wanted to remind her of his love that she has yet to really experience. Either way, it was a wonderful glimpse of what is to come someday.

Nightfall

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

It’s a cool, fall day. It’s also Halloween weekend and she has been feeling really restless and left out. She loves Halloween! Ever since she was old enough to deal with the costumes, which was around age five, she loved dressing up and going out. She continued this celebration well into adulthood with going to accessible Halloween activities and watching scary movies.

All around her, people are celebrating Halloween weekend and she longs to do anything Halloween too. They watched Hannibal eat brains the other day. Yummy, tastes like chicken.

The day started turning to evening. After consuming extra cannabis and shots of alcohol, nightfall filled the air. They had been playing with an Amanita and wizard hat and now she was wearing the wizard hat.

The darkness filled her senses with awe, peace, and cosmic vibes. The purple lights on the porch where she was sitting danced to her. Then it hit her that something that happened so regularly her whole life has been occurring rarely now.

They used to go out at night and get together with people at night. She remembered coming home from college and grad school classes at night. There were events, parties, tattoos, concerts at night. Now they can get everything done during the day and then the mosquitoes are bad when they are sitting outside in the summer so they go in before dusk.

But tonight was different. Nothing was driving them in and she couldn’t tear herself from the nightfall. Tears ran down her face. The last of the nighttime bugs and creatures rang in her ears. Sounds of dogs barking, people coming home, and the silence all mixed into a beautiful melody. The beautiful lights on the porch and the neighborhood as well as the darkness also filled her.

She drank it all in for as long as she could. She felt sad that she had taken nightfall for granted. She will make sure to experience nightfall a bit more from outside.

She pleads with the universe to let health and peace rain on the Earth. So tired of the darkness that is over Earth and their lives. She wants to get to experience the cosmic nightfall more….

Pain

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The following is graphic. Reader discretion advise.

She wanders around in a state of confusion. Nothing was right anymore except her love of her husband and kitties. But everything else is wrong and like she is in the twilight zone and she can’t get out.

Her life has never been easy. Abuse, fighting to prove people wrong, fighting for children and the oppressed. She doesn’t always get it right and she has had to grow and change. But she is. But this fight is so out of her control and she is so tired of it. How do you fight something that could literally kill her and her husband? Yet, it is killing her because she doesn’t know how to accept that her life that she worked so hard for is gone. She refuses to believe it but there’s no way out of this one.

People don’t understand and they are acting like it’s no big deal. Narcissistic president and his minions have ruined the trust for the medical professionals and even threaten them. Yet, people are still in love with this regime. But even the people who once fought to save lives have caved in to the public and their own exhaustion of the pandemic. Removing the mitigations that helps save lives.

She finds herself trying to hope that maybe this shot will be the one that really prevents the virus from invading people only to keep hearing the people who are up to date with the shots still get it. The news always reports that the people have mild symptoms. What are mild symptoms anyway? Downplaying it all still.

Or is her fear unfounded? She usually gets really sick when she gets the flu or something upper respiratory. And her body is changing. Spasms she never used to have, she now has. More chronic pain too.

She’s never pitied herself for her disability. It’s the way it is. But being left out has been a problem for her. She can’t just jump up and get together with her friends. She struggled with depression in high school from not being able to be a typical teenager. Plus the ongoing abuse and dysfunctional family.

Then there’s all the loss. Some expected as nobody lives forever and others unexpected due to abuse. Sometimes she quietly, not alway though, rages at them, the abusers, thinking horrible things that are not even her but she wants people who have inflicted so much pain on her and her husband or on innocent people to feel at least some of that pain. Does karma even work?

Other times, with the people who have directly hurt her, she would give annnnyyyythiiing to repair the relationship. She fights herself blaming herself for what she did to contribute to everything falling apart.

“Why couldn’t she just keep her mouth shut?” “Why did she react?” “What did she do to end up here?”

She is constantly worried about her being narcissistic too. But then she, or someone, reminds her that she didn’t do anything wrong. But she is still a “fixer.” Again, like the virus, she can’t fix these relationships and that makes her feel even worse and stuck.

She finds it hard to relax but she has moments of pure peace and beauty. She tries to keep them going. But now she is fighting for the one thing that really helps her deal with life and trauma and it’s now so hard.

A cosmic place that was so beautiful and full of love, or so she thought, was savagely ripped away from her and her husband and she can’t save it. She tried but nothing she said is right to them. Again, she fell for narcissism and, yet, she is so desperate to go back. Desperate for the wonderful smells, sights, sensations, laughter, and love. Now an unfinished tattoo reminds her of that constantly. She always thinks about them and other people who were supposed to love her forever. Her heart is so ripped up more than she ever thought possible.

And even though she tries not to think about it, she knows more loss is coming and she doesn’t know how she is going to bear it.

She tries to think about things she’s grateful for but it doesn’t erase that pain anymore. She sees no way out except for nature, natural meds, and games. This wasn’t supposed to be her life. She craves the release and accomplishment of getting tattooed. They give her power and makes her feel pretty. If people are going to stare at her, why not give everyone something to look at? She loves looking at her tattoos but she needs the release regularly and losing that cosmic place and everyone acting like this virus is over has made it so hard to get something so fucking vital for her emotional well-being.

She is so trapped. More than normal and she doesn’t know when it will be done. She is trying to keep going but she is so fucking exhausted. Waking up to the same thing over and over again feels again like she is in the twilight zone. Maybe she is. And maybe in a parallel universe or dimension she is living a totally different life and that is comforting for some strange reason since she is trapped in here until whoever deems that it is time to set her free. Maybe she can meet her other selves if it works that way when she is set free from her current meat sack. Yet, she is so afraid of the process of leaving this dimension. She wishes she remembered life before birth. We can’t just come into existence at conception but she doesn’t believe that we choose where we go because she would have picked a wonderful family who was healthy and she still would have chosen Grandpa and her husband and her animals. But the cp and abuse and alcoholism and all the dysfunction and narcissism would not have been chosen. And babies who died before birth for all reasons wouldn’t choose that.

She doesn’t know how to keep going but she is. She tries but it hurts so bad sometimes. She misses the days when life was easier and sweeter. Will it ever come back to her again? At least for a while? Please??