Category: Loss

Heartbreak, Dream, Fall

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Trigger warning for pet loss

The Trapped Butterfly recently looked at her website and saw that the last time she wrote a story was in January. Now she knows why the Spirits didn’t want her to release her children’s book in March. Just a couple of weeks after her last story, their elderly 17.5 year old kitty, Patches started to be fearful of seemingly the water dish. Over the course of the weeks that followed, it became apparent that Patches was suffering from mouth and jaw pain.

In and out of the vet. They thought it was a dental issue and they were not able to get x-rays that probably would have shown them that a tumor was somewhere in her head and jaw. From February to March 28th, they did everything they could to manage her pain and keep her eating and drinking. She would do better for a while then take a huge turn for the worst.

March 17th was one of the days that Patches took a major turn for the worst and they couldn’t even get her in the emergency room until that night. It was a horrible day and night for them. The Trapped Butterfly and her husband were beyond worried and scared. Patches couldn’t eat or drink and she peed in her bed.

The Trapped Butterfly was so grateful that they had finally found a mask that would stay on her face so she could go into the vet. They were put in the room where they had helped their tabby cat, YP, cross the rainbow bridge almost seven years ago, and the PTSD was palpable. She was so scared that they were going to have to go through it again with Patches. They actually probably would have if Patches had cooperated with the head x-rays.

Everything came back normal as usual except for the resorption of a few teeth. The emergency room vet did bring up helping her cross the rainbow bridge but with only the knowledge that Patches had dental issues and everything else was fine except for the losing weight and horrible pain she was in, doing that felt like murder to The Trapped Butterfly.

Yet, her mind keeps visiting that night because while they were running test on Patches, she and her husband went outside to wait for a while and get out of that room.

The air was cool and crisp for an almost spring night. The sky was clear and deep black with the stars and the planets shining brightly above her. And her beloved moon was out! She stared at the moon and prayed for Patches. She got a few moments of peace. She even heard and saw an owl. It reminded her of the time when her mother-in-law was in the hospital with a tumor in her bladder. The doctor went into biopsy it. It was a risky procedure for her age. Her and her husband went outside for a break during the surgery, which is when The Trapped Butterfly looked up at the deep blue sky and prayed for her “mom” to be okay. A moment of peace. Thankfully, a miracle happened and her second mom would go on to live a few more years before she transitioned into Heaven. Now the night sky was giving her the same peace and comfort.

Patches was treated and went home that night. On the way home, they saw a group of deer. The headlights reflected off their eyes. It was so beautiful. Patches finally ate and was acting better once they got home in the wee hours of the night.

Just a week and a half later right after finally getting the dental work appointment set up, Patches took a massive turn for the worst and before they could completely wrap their heads around it, they were saying goodbye to their sweet baby girl.

They are still heartbroken and grieving. It was horrific especially when they didn’t even know exactly what was wrong with her. But they have been told by 2 vet techs and the vet that Patches more than likely developed a tumor in her head that affected her jaw and vision and caused immense pain.

The PTSD has been horrible for The Trapped Butterfly since the passing of her sweet baby girl. Their fur babies are like children to her and her husband.

Then there’s the ongoing pandemic that is still going on and killing thousands of people. But everyone wants to deny it except for those who are following the virus closely as well as being aware of the research showing that the virus is still harming the body in ways that people don’t understand or want to believe.

The Trapped Butterfly finally got to watch the sunset the other night since they don’t go out anymore at night in the summer. The mosquitoes are awful too. But now it’s getting dark earlier and it was a cool night.

Watching the last light of the day reflect orange and yellow off the top of the trees was magical. Watching it get darker until she saw a bright light in the sky. It was Venus. She saw the comet that won’t be this close to the earth again for another 80,000 years was amazing. Faint little light with a tail. Being the first sunset outside since Patches flew away brought up grief for The Trapped Butterfly. Patches has been giving so many signs of butterflies and moons as well as showing up herself in spirit form. She is one active kitty just like she was in life.

The Trapped Butterfly has been dealing with her own trauma as well as the world being literally on fire. So last night when she dreamt about her narcissistic mother, she actually felt the strong physical pain of grief in her dream.

The dream was that her narcissistic mother unexpectedly showed up at the house. The Trapped Butterfly was asleep when she showed up. Her husband turned her mother away and even the mother’s boyfriend.

When The Trapped Butterfly woke up in the dream, her husband informed her of what had happened. He even mimicked her mother as he explained that she said that she just thought she would stop by. She said she could come back later and she would even mask up. She offered to have her boyfriend come over to visit. But her husband said no.

Even though The Trapped Butterfly knew that her mother was manipulative, she felt her heart literally ache for her mother as well as the rejection that her husband had to give her.

When The Trapped Butterfly woke up from the dream, she felt sad and anxious. On top of that she had to inform her husband that another recent earring was hurting her and needed to be changed that day. Which meant going to the shop. Her husband had Shingles over the summer twice, therefore, he is still tired a lot. Going out on a whim isn’t easy for him nowadays. She didn’t dare tell him about the dream that had brought up a ton of emotions for her.

Tonight she got quiet, got off social media, and decided to watch some videos of Patches. She is so grateful to have so many and hear a lot of her different sounds and meows. She needed to finally process all of her feelings that are whirling around in her heart and head. Now it’s bedtime so she has to finish everything up. She wants to cry.

Yet, she knows that the Spirits are around her. The planets and stars and the moon are all shining in the night sky at this very moment even if she can’t see them.

Bombs, gunfire, and explosions

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She is in a weird wooden old house. At every turn a bomb is detonated. It’s loud, bright orange and yellow, and narrowly misses her and her husband as they try to flee from the house. Gunfire erupts with bullets passing right by her. She is terrified. She sees no way of getting out alive. The loudness is overwhelming. Fire everywhere.

The Trapped Butterfly wakes up in a panic. She gasps for air and her body is tense. Her heart is pounding. She starts to look around the dark bedroom with the blue night light on. The white noise is comforting. Her husband is peacefully sleeping next to her. It’s after 3 AM.

She has always had weird dreams about people trying to hurt her but this was the most intense dream she has ever had. She is afraid to go back to sleep but she’s stuck in bed because she can’t just get up and go read or do something else. She finally meditates herself to sleep only to have more weird dreams.

The summer has been one of getting to do some things normally and safely. The staff at the eye clinic masked up and did their best to keep them away from people. However, she got to safely interact with some young children who were in the eye care center while they waited outside for the staff to get them right in a room. Their sweet, curious faces smiling at her and looking at her and her wheelchair with curiosity. It was wonderful and made her cry tears of joy when they got home.

The vet made it so she could come in with her husband and kitties for the first time since the pandemic started. Nobody was there and the tech put them right in a room. She and the doctor wore masks for her.

Her professor came over for a visit outside. She is going to be with them for The Trapped Butterfly’s birthday.

However, her world continues to blow up. Yes, she is very aware that actual bombs are still blowing up people in Ukraine and the Middle East. Gunfire is a common occurrence in her local area and in her country. However, she still has a right to her own pain.

Her new children’s book is done and was about ready to be published this week, but despite how hard she fought to pick up the pieces from her “chosen family” fucking around with getting it illustrated and then not finishing it because they were mad at her for stating facts and trying to enforce boundaries, the closer it got to actually publishing it, the more dread and panic filled her. This is not how one is supposed to feel about releasing a book.

She knows that she could do some controlled events with masks outside, but there are new variants of Covid going around and people are getting sick that are trying to still be careful. And she knows that seeing other local authors who are going to be doing their own events that she should be doing too.

Then there’s the media. Not that she expects to get famous, but the book was written many years before Covid. She never imagined that she wouldn’t be able to have a normal schedule of live events in her area. There are so many opportunities for book events in her area. How is she going to answer the questions that the media might ask.

Media: “Do you still love antiquing? How often do you go antiquing?”

The Trapped Butterfly: “I don’t get to go anymore because of Covid and our high risk of getting seriously ill.”

Media: “But other people with disabilities are out and about.”

The Trapped Butterfly: “Yeah and some are still dying from it.”

Media: Do you have any book events planned?”

The Trapped Butterfly: “Only private, controlled ones with people wearing masks.”

Cue up the laughter from the Covid deniers and the “how sad” but move right on with life from more sympathetic people. Yeah, no thanks.

She is dealing with an unbelievable ignorant, ableist world that has moved on from a virus that isn’t just a respiratory illness but a disease that attacks the body in ways we are just learning about. Yes, we are in a better place than we were last year with hospitalizations and deaths but we have not had a day where no deaths have happened in this country and other countries. Now hospitalizations are rising. There’s clear evidence from multiple research studies are showing that repeat infections of this virus is making people more likely to get seriously sick and die or get long term health problems. Covid is not the flu or a cold. It affects the nervous system, cardiovascular system, gastrointestinal system, and brain. Basically it attacks the whole body even with a mild case.

Then she’s having to deal with someone who is not Covid friendly which makes her sick. But she is making it work by being assertive. She should have done more research on the person. Yet, another mistake she made.

So another night she dreams about going back to school. They were in the wrong room and her professor came and found them. In her dream, The Trapped Butterfly was being pushed by someone else and they weren’t masked, thus, breathing on her. When her and her husband got into the correct classroom, they tried to sit where people wouldn’t sit right by them. Except they started crowding around her. She had a panic attack and started crying. Her husband got her out of there. She was sure that they would get Covid.

Dreams are weird. Some dreams she’s being normal with no worries about Covid. And others are just full of fear and panic.

After the going back to school dream, The Trapped Butterfly made the hard decision to delay releasing the book right now. She is terrified of getting this virus. She also doesn’t want to feel even more left out than she already does. So she is going to create a video and announce it to everyone. She feels selfish because she knows that the world needs another book like this. She knows that little children need a book to encourage them to keep fighting for their dreams and goals. But with the current uncertainty of the virus and even the uncertainty surrounding getting another shot soon is making her want to just cocoon herself again and do her best to enjoy the cosmic season of fall and early winter.

She is angry and sad. She still doesn’t understand why people are so ignorant and insensitive about the virus, thus, helping to make people who are trying to do everything right in order not to get sick, get sick. I wonder if some of these people would feel horrible if they found out that they put someone in the hospital by spreading it around instead of following proper precautions that are proven to prevent it. The media and government are not helping by downplaying it.

So here she is…Her birthday week…and her world continues to blow up all around her. Best to just cocoon and keep hoping that the day will eventually come when she is no longer trapped.

Dark Clouds, Sunshine, Venus, and More Dark Clouds

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

It’s been a good month for The Trapped Butterfly. The 20th wedding anniversary celebration was awesome! The rain stopped for it and despite the park having the wrong date for the shelter, the group that was using the shelter left without a problem.

Seeing people that they haven’t seen in years was wonderful. Not worrying too bad about Covid was wonderful! Everyone’s eyes were so sparkly. The trees were full of fresh buds springing to life. The temperature was perfect. The only annoying thing was the wind blowing at times.

Looking into his beautiful sparkly brown eyes as I they renewed their “vowels” as The Trapped Butterfly had been calling it was breathtaking. She actually can’t believe that she didn’t cry that much. The ceremony was led by her early childhood professor who is now a lifelong friend and the ceremony was full of laughter and love. Typical for The Trapped Butterfly and her husband as they have a both goofy yet sweet relationship. It came through in the ceremony!

Being around people again renewed her spirit and sense of hope that she will eventually get her life back. She looks forward to celebrating her children’s book that is finally almost finished and ready to be published!

So much trauma with this book. Her so-called friends wanted to help but they fucked them over. This true illustrator has gotten this done in about 8 months. It’s just about done!! Her “friends” didn’t keep working on it consistently and they quit because they were assholes.

While she is so excited about her book finally getting done, she is sad because she can’t do what she’s been hoping to do and go to libraries and schools to read the book. She hopes to have an outside book party with a plexiglass cube around her to avoid Covid exposure while, at least, getting to celebrate the book and see children. It’s heartbreaking that she hasn’t been around children for 3 years now. She misses it so much. Her husband thinks that with a cube around her and having it outside will be safe.

Despite all the beautiful sunshine from having major things finally going right, she feels the dark clouds still coming in as she deals with the fact that, yes, she hung out with people and celebrated her 20th wedding anniversary as well as her book getting done, she still isn’t completely freed yet. They are going to get their second bivalent shot next week, but unlike most people, they still can’t just be normal. They are terrified of Covid and she doesn’t have the ability to take the treatment for it. They are still trapped. But she is trying to hold onto hope that this won’t last too much longer. She has to accept the darkness of the clouds.

Plus, tomorrow is her narcissistic mother’s birthday and she hates it. It’s weird because she didn’t feel sad about her family not even knowing about the vow renewal. She didn’t miss them. She is grateful for the video her friend took of it because they haven’t watched their wedding video in years with so many nasty people that have hurt her deeply, but yet, she wishes she had a mom like she thought she did before everything finally blew up 4 years ago.

Then May 2nd is the 7th anniversary of her dear grandpa leaving the earth. She misses him so much. She can still hear herself screaming, “Grandpa, No! No! Grandpa!” Tears wick at her eyes writing that. He was far from perfect. They fought sometimes but they never let it go beyond that time and always ended on a loving note. He was the only family member that was able to have a healthy relationship with her.

She looks out the top of the window and she has been seeing Venus in the night sky. It gives her comfort as she continues to hope for more of the sunshine (without the heat) moments and faces the dark clouds that are always trying to overcome her.

Again…Really???

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly’s eyes and head hurt from just crying and sobbing! Her mind keeps spinning as she tries to process what her husband said after watching Downton Abbey. The character, Sybil, needlessly dies after having her baby due to the doctor and her father not wanting to listen to the other doctor who had known her her whole life and knew she was experiencing Preeclampsia. Had they gotten her to the hospital and delivered her baby via C-section, she and the baby girl would both have probably lived.

Of course, earlier today The Trapped Butterfly had a doctors appointment via telehealth where she asked about the treatment, Paxlovid, for Covid. Due to her severe cerebral palsy, she has trouble taking pills and is unable to take any that are not small. Even those can be a nightmare to swallow. So if The Trapped Butterfly gets Covid, her doctor said that she would put her on the Z-Pack (liquid) to prevent any nasty bacteria and steroids. Basically the treatment that was given at the start of the pandemic. Isn’t that nice?? Just symptom treatment and not something that is proven to keep most people at risk of severe illness from Covid out of the hospital or dying.

She was encouraged that the doctor said she was seeing milder cases recently.

But the fact that The Trapped Butterfly has to solely rely on the shots that she has gotten to fight it off made her cry a little right after the appointment. Then watching this heartbreaking episode of Downton Abbey made her husband finally breakdown and tell her that he was terrified of the tattoo appointment on Monday. The artist isn’t vaccinated against Covid and when The Trapped Butterfly checked in with her, she claimed she couldn’t find a N95 mask and to please bring one with a laugh. Her husband isn’t comfortable with her at all.

The Trapped Butterfly knows he is right and feels stupid for making the appointment in desperation to get this damn lizard leg done. But now she has to cancel again. She worries about how it will be received and if it will ruin other chances of getting ink. She is terrified of not finding someone to do it and do a cover up for her. She is terrified of her life being stolen even more. Why’d Roo and Yellow Man have to turn out to be fucked up assholes?

Sadness, anger, despair, exhaustion, fear and panic keep running rampant through her. Thankfully her meditation practice along with pot and a few shots of tequila with a beer are helping her to feel it without running away. It’s hurting so much. She talks to herself like a mother would….

“It’s ok, Little One.” “It’s ok to cry and be sad and angry.” “I know you’re having so many scary thoughts.” “You got this.”

She was looking forward to seeing what the artist would do with the tattoo. She was looking forward to a break from her life and the fact that she was choosing the pain of the tattoo. And finally having her leg look different…but again…It’s being ripped away from her because fucking Covid could still really hurt her and she doesn’t want her husband to watch her die an awful death. And despite it getting better, she doesn’t want to see her husband die from it either.

She hopes that the anniversary celebration will happen. Is anything safe? Why can’t they get a vaccine that will prevent it? Why????

For now she will use the following memory to try to get her through.

She’s lying on the soft orange carpet in front of her grandparents’ fireplace with a round coffee table in the middle of the room. She is lying on a soft pillow and is covered with a blanket. Grandpa is lying right next to her watching tv. She must have been sleepy because she has her head turned towards her grandpa and is looking at the shirt he is wearing. He is warm and she feels very safe with him. The shirt has the city of Chicago on it which is where she had just taken a school field trip.

She will fall asleep and will be carried to their bed without waking up. She is safe with her grandpa….

Dreams about them

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The past two nights The Trapped Butterfly has been dreaming about her once chosen family. Check out Fuck you, Roo!! for a little context into something that was seemingly so beautiful and cosmic into something so dark, hateful, and ruthless. Obviously, The Trapped Butterfly is still struggling with the whole thing because she still loves them. She wishes she could fix it and get it back for her and her husband.

She wishes she didn’t still miss them as well as her narcissistic mother and her whole biological family because they have all hurt her so deeply that she should have nothing but hate for them. Believe her, she has had plenty of times when she has hated them as the hurt, anger, and rage shake throughout her body making her want to lash out. But she knows better and that isn’t who she is.

The Trapped Butterfly has been having a lot of thoughts since the fall and can’t believe how isolated they are. Yes, they still have a lot of friends and professors who care about them and have helped them. But they have lost their main support system due to Covid, selfishness, and finally, crushing malicious narcissism. Yes, in some relationships she has had a part in this, but it was not always her fault despite what they said. Yet, she is so used to being blamed for everything that she has blamed herself at times. Yet, she apologized to those who she had offended but they didn’t accept her apology.

So both of her dreams the past two nights have been about working it out with Roo and Mr. Yellow. It was a long dream but they were at their house. Other people were around. Roo even talked about where to put something her mother gave her.

Finally, The Trapped Butterfly was able to get one on one with Roo. She tearfully explained to Roo how sorry she was for hurting them. She honestly never ever meant to. Eventually Roo softened her stance and forgave her. They were able to come to terms with everything.

Mr. Yellow was very reluctant to speak to The Trapped Butterfly. She would look at him and he would turn away from her. After several pleas to talk to Mr. Yellow, Roo got him to come talk to her.

Again, The Trapped Butterfly tearfully explains that she never meant to hurt him and she was so sorry. Mr. Yellow got teary eyed and hugged her. She ended up getting them back and they all just moved on.

She hated it when she woke up in the morning. It was one of those dreams that continued despite her brief awakenings throughout the night. It made her feel sad and depressed.

The very next night she had another long dream about them. This time they were taking care of her while her husband had to go do something. With her severe cerebral palsy, she truly can’t be left alone at all and sometimes this crosses over into her dreams.

In this dream, Mr. Yellow was carrying her around the house and Roo did some dressing and she sat with her on the couch so that The Trapped Butterfly wouldn’t fall over. It was normal except for some weird people popping in and out. But they were high and goofing around like they used to do.

When her husband arrived back at their house, The Trapped Butterfly told him how great they were with her and how much fun they had. Her husband was so relieved.

Waking up from this dream after the one the night before had her very sad and wanting so badly to be able to get back what they’ve lost. But Roo is mentally ill and narcissistic like The Trapped Butterfly’s mother and other family members. It hurts so much. Her husband came clean about seeing a little more of how Roo was throwing a certain project that they were doing in her face later in the day.

The Trapped Butterfly can only hope that the future will hold friends that are healthy. She can only hope that the lizard leg will be finished soon enough since they had to cancel the appointment due to the fall they took the 2.5 weeks ago.

She will not let any more narcissists take advantage of her again if she can help it.

She will continue to grieve for her old life. And tomorrow is 16 years since her first kitty crossed the rainbow bridge. She will always remember people but she will never let them hurt her and her husband again.

Dream about her Brother

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She wakes up with the dream still fresh in her mind. It was about her brother, technically her half brother but they never called each other “half,” showing up out of nowhere with a girlfriend and apologized to her for all the hurtful things that he had done to her and her husband. He hugged her and promised her that he would be back soon.

The Trapped Butterfly has three half siblings from their dad’s previous marriage before he married her mother. Some of them were close when she was a little girl but they were older and had been through a lot of horrible trauma from their mother who had given them to Dad. And Dad was abusive. The boys had it so much worse than the girls. She still sees the horrific wooden paddle with holes in it that her dad made for “spanking.” Even though it was never used on her, she was terrified of it. The boys were beaten with it often in the basement because they got into trouble a lot due to the ongoing abuse and trauma. Finally, the oldest brother, the one that the dream was about, was old enough to leave and went to his mom’s house until he got a place and eventually got married only for him to cheat and have a child with another woman. More on this in a minute.

The day he decided to leave, he was supposed to take the 7 or 8 year old Trapped Butterfly fishing. It was going to be the first time she ever went fishing. She loved her oldest brother. He took time to play with her and do things with her and her other siblings. And when he found out that their brother had stolen her money that she was saving for a Cabbage Patch Kids “baby,” he beat him up and got her money back. She was so excited that day and told everyone at school that she was going to go fishing with her brother after school. But when her school bus dropped her off at her babysitter’s house and he wasn’t there, she was confused. Her babysitter said that he was probably just a little late and she got her some juice while she waited. Soon her sister came walking down the street to pick her up. The Trapped Butterfly asked where Jay was and her sister said that they would talk about it when they got home. It was a confusing, sad walk home as her sister pushed her in her wheelchair a few blocks from the babysitter to their house.

The Trapped Butterfly’s mother was home and she can’t remember if her dad was home too. But Jay had packed up his stuff in a big garbage bag and left a note saying he was moving to his mother’s house because he had had enough. Later she would find out that he had been planning this for a while. He was gone and stayed away for a while before he started visiting. Then when The Trapped Butterfly became an adult they entered into an adult sibling relationship.

She was heartbroken the day he left day. She sat in her special table that was supportive enough for her to sit there alone and look out the window. From that point on it wasn’t long before her other older brother and sister also took refuge at their mother’s house.

All her siblings are fucked up from the horrible childhood that they had. Some will never admit it and others are addicts. But Jay and Lynn tried to make time for her and have a relationship with her. Unfortunately, the fucked up part kept getting in the way of a healthy relationship.

She knew that everyone struggled with alcohol and drugs and she was worried that Jay was an alcoholic too. Unfortunately, she was right but she and her husband continued to support and help him. Sadly, he took a lot from them. But she felt like he was the only one who “got” it about Dad. Plus, she loved being an aunt to her niece. Yes, cheating was wrong, but seeing her brother be so good with his daughter made her hope that the cycle of abuse would stop with him.

Tragically, the alcoholism got worse and worse. They actually bailed him out of jail a few times. Then the mom took his daughter and he didn’t fight for her. Slowly everything unraveled and they lost touch for years and then reconnected on Facebook. Nothing was the same anymore. She has no idea where he is now or where her niece is. She is so afraid to reach out to him because of everything that has happened with her narcissistic mother and has blocked out most of her family. It’s not safe. She doesn’t know what bull shit is being said about her. Would he be like her sister and take her abusers’ side?

It’s ironic that her mother witnessed the abuse, and yet, they don’t blame her for not doing anything about it. Hell, it’s only been in the past few years of therapy, after the shit really hit the fan with her mother that she realized that she was a part of the abuse. Just because she rescued The Trapped Butterfly when she heard her crying with her dad as a child doesn’t mean her mother was not a part of the abuse. In fact, she let The Trapped Butterfly go to her dad’s house every other weekend and for a week during vacations after her parents got divorced. She knew she was hit and verbally and emotionally abused by him. She saw signs that sometimes The Trapped Butterfly didn’t want to go to her dad’s house, yet, she didn’t do anything about it because she needed a “break.” Her mother sure had everyone fooled.

So Jay is out there (hopefully) somewhere and so is her niece, but she doesn’t feel safe trying to find him. And why hasn’t he reached out to them to apologize for everything? She hopes that the dream wasn’t his spirit reaching out to her because he is not on the Earth anymore. Only time will tell. But she cried that morning when she told her husband about it and wondered why she was crying. Obviously, she misses connection with people. Covid, narcissism, abuse, and natural death have taken way too much from her. Will she ever get any of it back?

Trapped Again by Covid and Selfish People

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She had a nightmare the other night that the new tattoo shop was full of people. Her husband had to tell them to stay away from her. She was trying to cover her face with her hands and people were making fun of her.

Another Covid dream. She’s been having them since the pandemic started. She is terrified of getting the virus. She’s terrified of her husband getting it. Yes, they have made some progress in the vaccines and treatments, but unfortunately, due to the narcissistic person who was president at the time of the start of the pandemic, the CDC and conspiracy theorists have made this worse than it might have been had they had a normal president at the time.

Now that tattoo appointment that she had to do a bunch of research on before she made it is gone. The governor has put her state in another state of emergency due to Covid and the flu going nuts. Hospitals are overwhelmed and again people are on ventilators.

What the FUCK??? Rage filled her body. She HATES people. They are illiterate and have an IQ of -120!!!! Don’t mask. Don’t get vaccinated and boosted. Don’t continue to limit crowds. She is actually surprised that it took this long for the whole thing to blow up. She thinks it did in the summer but not to this point. And the media kept it under wraps due to the election.

She has been sacrificing her fucking life so everyone can live and get people sick. It’s the politicians’ and greed’s fault. Money above all else. Sickening! But The Trapped Butterfly is so sick of sacrificing her life!! She is so done with empathy for anyone but the children and the people who are truly trying their best to protect themselves and others from illnesses!

If people are going to restaurants and doing other shit without a mask and get sick with Covid, too bad! They are making it impossible for her to fucking live, so she is angry. They are absolutely destroying her wings!! And their own health as well as other people’s health.

Covid is the worst thing ever to happen! She can’t risk getting it or her husband getting it. It’s getting harder for him to care for her. When he had pneumonia last month and was out of breath from carrying her, it scared her! What if he was able to stay home with her but couldn’t get out of bed and care for her and the kitties? And then they looked up the oral treatment for Covid and they said that the pills cannot be crushed or broken so if she can’t take them, she is fucked!!!

Everything hurts so much. She misses her family—both biological and chosen. They shit all over her and she still misses them so much! It hurts so much! Gawd dammit!! It hurts! Her body aches and she sobs. She is so fucking tired of choosing the hard road to try to get to the better road. Is there even a better road??

As Bryan Adams sings, “It cuts like a knife, but it feels so right!”

Just a Trapped Butterfly in a Complicated World

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

It’s already Christmas time and she has been struggling with grief, physical pain, anxiety, and depression. She keeps getting the ache in her chest and stomach as if her heart was ripped out and she has been split in two. She has been having trouble with her emotional responses lately. It scares her.

Recently a few people have gotten Covid and have not been doing everything in their power to protect themselves from it. She has very little empathy for them. Really, she feels angry at them for being so stupid and selfish by not doing everything they can to help prevent it. Of course, she wants them to be ok. But her darker side is almost wanting something bad to happen to really wake them up to the fact that this virus is still deadlier than the flu. She knows this really isn’t who she is or who she wants to become, but being unable to free herself without fear of getting really sick or getting her husband really sick has made her just over it.

She actually misses the days of the start of the pandemic when many people were doing the right things. There were always assholes, but the majority of the people who were smart and on the side of Science did everything they could to help protect themselves and others. Now it’s even lonelier. The majority has decided that the pandemic is over and that Covid is not something to worry about.

Not even a year ago thousands of people were dying from Covid. Now deaths are lower but still higher than the flu. She just doesn’t understand. And yet, she’s supposed to be all empathetic when people who are not doing enough to protect themselves and others get sick? It’s confusing. She wants to be free, but she’s afraid of the virus because they are so high risk.

Her wings are desperate to open more. Yet, the other day while waiting for curbside services, she was watching all the people in the parking lot and she felt so grossed out. The thought of even trying to get out of the vehicle gave her physical tingles down her spine. She thought that if she was to try to get out of the vehicle, she would have a panic attack.

She feels like she’s losing her mind. She has a tattoo appointment in a week, and yet, she’s not able to be excited about it. She has to make sure that they don’t come in contact with unmasked people. She had to research the hell out of them before she even contacted them to see if they would work with her unique body and then keep them safe from viruses. Nothing is simple anymore. NOTHING!! Being severely physically disabled is always complicated. And the older she gets, the more complicated it becomes. But now she can’t DO ANYTHING WITHOUT INTENSE PLANNING!!! And with the country acting like it is over, it’s even more dangerous and complicated!

So why should she have a lot of empathy when people are sick if they don’t even try anymore? She’s literally lost so much ability than she already was limited by her disability. Hell, she can’t even take a shit without a very special, supportive chair for the butterfly to sit in. Hers is falling apart and hurting her hip but it isn’t readily available. Hopefully the guy she was hooked up with will find her one. But she can’t go to the wheelchair place to see if they can make one for her unless it’s private and they wear masks.

It hurts to be ignored even more by society. It hurts that people are just doing whatever they want and not being careful. What about us?

Yet, there are times when the spirit world hears her. Yesterday was one of those times. As her husband smoked his cigar, The Trapped Butterfly “went antiquing” online. Oh how she used to love antiquing. The smell of old things made her take deep breaths to drink in the scent of days gone by. She loves antique cats and Santas. The smell of her husband’s cigar made it smell antique like.

After looking at some cool antique Santas, she decided to look for a couple of Santas that her grandparents had in her childhood. Anyone who has been following her journey since Grandpa went to Heaven knows that she quickly learned that her grandma isn’t who she grew up with, and that her narcissistic mother started really showing her true self even more after her grandpa left for the ether.

She realizes he was her mediator for the stuff she was was either unaware of and/or didn’t want to see. So knowing that she will never get anything else from them when Grandma finally goes, she decided to find one of the 2 Santas that she remember from childhood. One she was afraid of because it would dance when you squeeze the belly. The other one was dancing on a stand. She asked her grandpa to help her find one. Her husband asked the spirits to help her as he sent cigar smoke to the heavens.

She couldn’t find the exact one but she showed her husband the picture of the one they have and the set she found on eBay. He immediately said yes because she was over analyzing it and wanted to make sure that it was close enough. Her husband immediately recognized it was very close to the one that her grandparents had and she ordered it. Plus, Mrs. Claus is included. Tears of joy ran down her face because Grandpa was helping her again. Thank you, Grandpa! I love you so much! Big hug! She got hers!

Fuck you, Roo!!

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Reader discretion advised.

She looks at the half finished tattoo that she started with someone that she thought was her soul sister. She has had many so-called “BFFs” or “sisters,” but like her fucking family, they ended up being mentally ill and/or narcissistic. Or maybe she just can’t keep BFFs even though she is so desperate for one.

Roo honestly was the closest thing to a “soul sister” that she had ever had. And yet, here she is with the half finished tattoo desperate to get it finished over a year and a half later.

But thanks to fucking Covid and other viruses currently going around, she can’t just go get it done. It blares at her every fucking day. Of course, she gets her hopes up for another artist to get it done but so far, either they don’t have time for her on a day off or they aren’t comfortable with finishing another artist’s work. So the very thing that is supposed to be giving her pleasure and remembering her beloved iguana, is like an open wound that won’t heal. She is so fucking tired of it. If she was physically able, she may have gotten nice and drunk and high to scratch the fucking thing off. She would rather have the bloody mess and scars than this unfinished constant reminder that her supposed “soul sister” literally fucked her over due to her beliefs that freedom and her ways are so important than everyone else’s. Roo wants to live her way even if it is hurting people. The Trapped Butterfly just wants her freedom back and she wants other people to actually look out for others to let her and her fellow butterflies free.

Yet, she is behaving “narcissistically” according to Roo. The very thing that The Trapped Butterfly thought was a bonding feature of the friendship (both of them have narcissistic parents) turned out to be the very thing to ruin their relationship. Roo’s own horrible abuse had turned her into a horrible, malicious narcissistic bully. Sad, really. Bullying and abuse begets bullying and abuse.

The Trapped Butterfly constantly worries about her behavior being narcissistic but her therapist keeps reassuring her that she isn’t. How dare Roo use her and her husband! How dare Roo’s husband be so stupid not to see that The Trapped Butterfly was trying to figure it out and didn’t/couldn’t see that she was trying to be respectful yet honest.

Maybe that’s why people don’t like The Trapped Butterfly and they walk away from her so easily. Because once The Trapped Butterfly finally figures out their true deal, she calls them out. Not perfectly. She fucks up. She lashes out. But she also has a big heart and she loves fiercely.

Roo, you have hurt The Trapped Butterfly deeply. Some scars, when they finally turn into scars, will be with The Trapped Butterfly for the rest of her fucking life. But mark her words; YOU HAVE NOT AND WILL NOT DESTROY THE TRAPPED BUTTERFLY!! SHE KEEPS FIGHTING FOR HER FREEDOM AND HEALING!!!!

Trapped by Thoughts

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Some may find disturbing. Reader discretion advised.

Ever since she was young, she has had scary thoughts. One thought was on her 9th birthday where she thought, “I’m another year closer to dying.” It scared her but her 9-year-old mind was back to playing with her new birthday presents in no time.

She has obsessive thoughts and anxiety. And now the continued grief for the family and chosen family that she has lost.

It is so exhausting. She tries to rely on her meditation practice to help, and it does, but not enough.

Why can’t she have everyone back in her life? Why’s it so easy to leave her without truly fighting for her? Why can’t we just work it out? What is wrong with her? Do people even truly like her?

These are just some of the obsessive thoughts among many others that she deals with daily. She, being an early childhood professional, always wants to understand the reason behind others behaviors. There’s usually a deeper reason for behaviors than the obvious.

But narcissism is insidious like a cancer. There are no easy answers. You don’t know that you’re in a relationship with one until you get eaten alive-literally and figuratively. They suck on you and they love bomb you so you have no choice but to be eaten up. When you realize that you are being eaten, it’s too late. You have given too much to them! They spit you out like animals and leave you feeling broken, ashamed, deeply hurt, confused, sad, and angry.

That’s how she feels a lot of the time. Her heart is still fucking bleeding from all the pain that they have caused. She tries to put it out of her mind but like a leech, they still have a hold on her.

Why did they do this to her? Why did they use her? Why didn’t she know?

She wishes she could get in the car and drive until she can’t drive anymore. Sometimes she wishes she could drink a bottle of tequila until she passed out. Instead, she is trapped in a body that doesn’t allow her to do anything for herself except type with her nose. And with Covid and other viruses going crazy, she is still trapped with not being able to live how they used to.

She still has happy memories of these people. She wishes she could fix it with all of them. But narcissism won’t allow it. Narcissism will either keep all her sins over her and/or use her until it becomes full again so it can spit her out. Narcissism is keeping the empathetic trapped butterfly from continuing to keep them in her life. She is so freer without being manipulated by the monster. Yet, her thoughts are still trapping her and society is still trapping her. Frankly, there’s many times that she has been disappointed with waking up again.

She longs to be free. She works her ass off to be free. Sometimes when she gets really high, she is free. But will she ever be free from her thoughts, grief, and to be social?