Category: Disability

Again…Really???

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly’s eyes and head hurt from just crying and sobbing! Her mind keeps spinning as she tries to process what her husband said after watching Downton Abbey. The character, Sybil, needlessly dies after having her baby due to the doctor and her father not wanting to listen to the other doctor who had known her her whole life and knew she was experiencing Preeclampsia. Had they gotten her to the hospital and delivered her baby via C-section, she and the baby girl would both have probably lived.

Of course, earlier today The Trapped Butterfly had a doctors appointment via telehealth where she asked about the treatment, Paxlovid, for Covid. Due to her severe cerebral palsy, she has trouble taking pills and is unable to take any that are not small. Even those can be a nightmare to swallow. So if The Trapped Butterfly gets Covid, her doctor said that she would put her on the Z-Pack (liquid) to prevent any nasty bacteria and steroids. Basically the treatment that was given at the start of the pandemic. Isn’t that nice?? Just symptom treatment and not something that is proven to keep most people at risk of severe illness from Covid out of the hospital or dying.

She was encouraged that the doctor said she was seeing milder cases recently.

But the fact that The Trapped Butterfly has to solely rely on the shots that she has gotten to fight it off made her cry a little right after the appointment. Then watching this heartbreaking episode of Downton Abbey made her husband finally breakdown and tell her that he was terrified of the tattoo appointment on Monday. The artist isn’t vaccinated against Covid and when The Trapped Butterfly checked in with her, she claimed she couldn’t find a N95 mask and to please bring one with a laugh. Her husband isn’t comfortable with her at all.

The Trapped Butterfly knows he is right and feels stupid for making the appointment in desperation to get this damn lizard leg done. But now she has to cancel again. She worries about how it will be received and if it will ruin other chances of getting ink. She is terrified of not finding someone to do it and do a cover up for her. She is terrified of her life being stolen even more. Why’d Roo and Yellow Man have to turn out to be fucked up assholes?

Sadness, anger, despair, exhaustion, fear and panic keep running rampant through her. Thankfully her meditation practice along with pot and a few shots of tequila with a beer are helping her to feel it without running away. It’s hurting so much. She talks to herself like a mother would….

“It’s ok, Little One.” “It’s ok to cry and be sad and angry.” “I know you’re having so many scary thoughts.” “You got this.”

She was looking forward to seeing what the artist would do with the tattoo. She was looking forward to a break from her life and the fact that she was choosing the pain of the tattoo. And finally having her leg look different…but again…It’s being ripped away from her because fucking Covid could still really hurt her and she doesn’t want her husband to watch her die an awful death. And despite it getting better, she doesn’t want to see her husband die from it either.

She hopes that the anniversary celebration will happen. Is anything safe? Why can’t they get a vaccine that will prevent it? Why????

For now she will use the following memory to try to get her through.

She’s lying on the soft orange carpet in front of her grandparents’ fireplace with a round coffee table in the middle of the room. She is lying on a soft pillow and is covered with a blanket. Grandpa is lying right next to her watching tv. She must have been sleepy because she has her head turned towards her grandpa and is looking at the shirt he is wearing. He is warm and she feels very safe with him. The shirt has the city of Chicago on it which is where she had just taken a school field trip.

She will fall asleep and will be carried to their bed without waking up. She is safe with her grandpa….

Planets

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly has had her ups and downs in the past few weeks. Sitting outside until dusk in late February when it was unseasonably warm, she delighted in seeing Venus and Jupiter in the dusk sky. So beautiful and so far away. Whatever life forms that may be on those planets have no idea what is happening on Earth and we have no real idea what is happening there. Storms, yes, but who knows if there’s different life forms there that either are suffering or are peaceful…Perhaps they are both suffering and peaceful like here.

Then she was able to go back to the original tattoo shop for a new piercing and some much needed earring changes. The piercer actually remember them from when she used to be there sometimes twice a month for tattoos. The Trapped Butterfly had been afraid to go back there due to probably receiving the wrong information about stuff that happened years ago. But it seemed to be forgotten or not even thought about. It was weird to be back. The place is painted gray and is an open floor plan. The piercing was wonderful and just getting to be normal in a safe manner was wonderful.

She also has a tattoo appointment April 3rd with a tattoo artist that is willing to wear a mask and do it on a day off. She is going to try to rework the lizard leg that has been driving her crazy. It’s going to be emotional but she is so ready to even have it look completely different than what it was supposed to be.

Sleeping has been rough lately because she can’t sleep on her piercing and she has sores on her other ear. She keeps ordering pillows for this situation with holes in them, but they are too high for stomach sleeping. It just seems like she doesn’t belong in society anymore. No stomach pillows, people acting like Covid isn’t real threat anymore, having to make sure that they are safe. It’s exhausting and she feels unseen by most people who are supposed to understand. Not to mention that it’s Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month which gets very little attention despite it being the number one lifelong disability.

But this morning she was visited by the moon and the planets. In her dream, they were so close and big in the sky that it was almost as if she could reach up and touch them. The moon was bright white. Then Venus was so bright and colorful. So was Jupiter, Saturn, and Neptune. It was a very trippy dream. One in which she could have stayed in forever. No ableism, no Covid, no pain, no struggles. Just pure wonderment and awe as the planets kept coming up in the sky.

Maybe it’s the spirit world trying to keep her up as she continues to deal with the reality of what she has lost. Moments of peace and beauty are what make her keep going in this life that she honestly doesn’t want to live anymore but she has no choice but to love her husband and kitties while they wait for an easier time to come.

Who she truly is

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is feeling at a complete loss again. In April, she and her husband are going to be celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary! 20 years of marriage and love have made it through so much shit. From her abusive dad’s disowning to his sudden death almost four months after they got married. The marriage has survived her mental health issues and his issues from being on antidepressants. It’s survived losses that have made them sob. And it has survived the realization that her mother is a narcissist. Being physically disabled as well as all the dysfunction of her family has made their relationship harder than most. Not to mention their age difference has made people feel weird. Their problem!!

Now it’s surviving the ongoing pandemic that everyone is trying desperately to ignore even more, therefore, making life miserable and dangerous for everyone who is high risk and immunocompromised.

The Trapped Butterfly is incredibly proud of her marriage. She never thought she would ever find a man who would love her the way he does. She means wiping someone’s ass several times a day isn’t exactly romantic, but it’s a way that he loves her through doing all the care she requires 24/7. He has said many times that “he gets to care for her.” It’s his choice to do this.

So naturally she wants to do something special for their wedding anniversary. But Covid doesn’t make it a easy. They used to be able to plan stuff and go to concerts and stuff, but not anymore. Without Covid, they would probably find a fun event/concert to go to or take a day trip to explore a city or town. Yeah, they still had to think about how her needs would fit in with the plans and just plan it out, but they were able to go have fun with just the “normal” complications of having a severe disability.

Now they can’t do anything without a major plan to stay safe from Covid. She can’t bear not to be “normal” and celebrate her anniversary. She came up with a vow renewal and a small simple celebration. But trying to find a venue that would be totally private and safe from Covid isn’t easy. Her former professor, now friend, is trying to find a place. They still need a photographer that will wear a mask correctly.

Why can’t this be easy??

Yesterday she was feeling really overwhelmed and was listening to music when the song, “I Don’t Know You Anymore” by Savage Garden came on. That song is about ex lovers, but for her it reminds her of her family and friends that have hurt her to the point of not being able to have them in their life anymore. She misses them so much, which is confusing. Why does she even still love them so much?

The lyrics below are words she wishes some of her family and friends would say to her since she has always been willing to apologize and accept the part she played in the hurt.

"I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day."

But it’s highly doubtful that that will ever happen because it would have already if they were healthy emotionally.

But it hit her in the moment that she absolutely craves healthy, peaceful relationships with people. Her parents didn’t teach her how to handle her emotions. She is a hot head and lashes out. However, this has improved since she started meditating with the Calm app. She is human. She doesn’t have it all figured out yet, and living in ongoing quarantine to avoid getting Covid that’s killing people even if the death isn’t right away has made her struggle with her anger, anxiety, and depression like she never has before.

She now realizes that she has craved peace since she was a child. Yes, she had time when they were enjoying stuff. She loved, for the most part, being at her grandparents’ house when they took care of her in the summer. She loved being with friends and going out. All the normal kid stuff.

Still, at any given moment, her dad could get angry and the yelling would start. If it were one of the kids, sometimes the hitting soon followed. If it was with her mother, the yelling would get louder and louder and sometimes things got thrown. She remembers this from her toddler years. She would cry and scream because she just wanted it to stop. She also was left in her room to cry so she has trouble with self-regulation.

She can feel herself now when she’s upset saying something that she doesn’t really want to say but she can’t always control it. She beats herself up for not being able to stop it. But she’s truly a peaceful person. Not a submissive person. Fuck that! She will always stand up for herself and fight for causes. But she desires peace.

She often wonders who she would be now that it’s been almost four years since she wrote that heartbreaking letter to her narcissistic mother to get her to get help for a year and went no contact. Sadly, her mother proved she was, indeed, narcissistic and did a bunch of horrible shit until they finally blocked her on the phone. Who would she be if Covid never happened and she was able to really work with her therapist to cope with life without her mother and family? She knows that she would always have her anxiety, depression, PTSD, and CPTSD, but would she be happier? Would she be more able to cope with it?

It’s sad that she will never know the answers to these questions. All she can do is try to keep hoping that a true breakthrough for Covid will come in the next few years to let them live their lives again before age catches up with them even more. May she remember that she desires peace. And may they be able to safely celebrate their 20th anniversary in April with a few friends. They definitely deserve it!!!

Precious moments of joy and peace

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Her stomach is full of sushi and she’s nice and high as usual. Pot is wonderful! Tonight they got sushi via DoorDash. Her anxiety was high because of last week when they ordered it, it never came and they cancelled the order.

When it arrived, tears of joy came to the surface of her eyes. The smell was so scrumptious. Fresh, sweet, succulent. And that’s exactly how it tasted. She tried to remember to take time to really savor the flavors. The avocado was so fresh that it melted in their mouths.

She hated for it to end even though she was so full. She enjoyed the beer she had with it. Her husband always feeds her so he made sure she got every single bit of meat! They are aware that animals give their lives for food and they try not to waste anything.

Days like today are precious because they actually go “right.” Despite all the bull shit going on in the world as well as ongoing personal issues stemming from child abuse, being disabled, having diagnosed mental health issues, and being trapped by Covid while the rest of the population is just deciding to ignore it, today they basically shut out the outside world. They stayed away from the news, except for a cute story of a little 6-year-old boy who ordered about $1,000 worth of food off GrubHub, she really limited her social media, enjoyed getting another illustration done and the next one going, and they enjoyed things they liked. To top it all off, they decided to use the gift money from her sister-in-law gave them to cheer them up after they fell to get sushi.

Shutting the world out is becoming more of a thing for her because it is too painful to be on the outside looking out at people doing life that she can’t because of Covid. It’s depressing and maddening because she craves social interaction with people who are cool about her disability. She is a very free spirit who loves to have fun.

So today was a welcome change for her. She is so grateful that they experienced peace today. Tomorrow hopefully she will get to go for a ride which will help her to get to see things even though she will have to see people not caring about others. It’s still awesome to get out of the house and ride around.

Dreams about them

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The past two nights The Trapped Butterfly has been dreaming about her once chosen family. Check out Fuck you, Roo!! for a little context into something that was seemingly so beautiful and cosmic into something so dark, hateful, and ruthless. Obviously, The Trapped Butterfly is still struggling with the whole thing because she still loves them. She wishes she could fix it and get it back for her and her husband.

She wishes she didn’t still miss them as well as her narcissistic mother and her whole biological family because they have all hurt her so deeply that she should have nothing but hate for them. Believe her, she has had plenty of times when she has hated them as the hurt, anger, and rage shake throughout her body making her want to lash out. But she knows better and that isn’t who she is.

The Trapped Butterfly has been having a lot of thoughts since the fall and can’t believe how isolated they are. Yes, they still have a lot of friends and professors who care about them and have helped them. But they have lost their main support system due to Covid, selfishness, and finally, crushing malicious narcissism. Yes, in some relationships she has had a part in this, but it was not always her fault despite what they said. Yet, she is so used to being blamed for everything that she has blamed herself at times. Yet, she apologized to those who she had offended but they didn’t accept her apology.

So both of her dreams the past two nights have been about working it out with Roo and Mr. Yellow. It was a long dream but they were at their house. Other people were around. Roo even talked about where to put something her mother gave her.

Finally, The Trapped Butterfly was able to get one on one with Roo. She tearfully explained to Roo how sorry she was for hurting them. She honestly never ever meant to. Eventually Roo softened her stance and forgave her. They were able to come to terms with everything.

Mr. Yellow was very reluctant to speak to The Trapped Butterfly. She would look at him and he would turn away from her. After several pleas to talk to Mr. Yellow, Roo got him to come talk to her.

Again, The Trapped Butterfly tearfully explains that she never meant to hurt him and she was so sorry. Mr. Yellow got teary eyed and hugged her. She ended up getting them back and they all just moved on.

She hated it when she woke up in the morning. It was one of those dreams that continued despite her brief awakenings throughout the night. It made her feel sad and depressed.

The very next night she had another long dream about them. This time they were taking care of her while her husband had to go do something. With her severe cerebral palsy, she truly can’t be left alone at all and sometimes this crosses over into her dreams.

In this dream, Mr. Yellow was carrying her around the house and Roo did some dressing and she sat with her on the couch so that The Trapped Butterfly wouldn’t fall over. It was normal except for some weird people popping in and out. But they were high and goofing around like they used to do.

When her husband arrived back at their house, The Trapped Butterfly told him how great they were with her and how much fun they had. Her husband was so relieved.

Waking up from this dream after the one the night before had her very sad and wanting so badly to be able to get back what they’ve lost. But Roo is mentally ill and narcissistic like The Trapped Butterfly’s mother and other family members. It hurts so much. Her husband came clean about seeing a little more of how Roo was throwing a certain project that they were doing in her face later in the day.

The Trapped Butterfly can only hope that the future will hold friends that are healthy. She can only hope that the lizard leg will be finished soon enough since they had to cancel the appointment due to the fall they took the 2.5 weeks ago.

She will not let any more narcissists take advantage of her again if she can help it.

She will continue to grieve for her old life. And tomorrow is 16 years since her first kitty crossed the rainbow bridge. She will always remember people but she will never let them hurt her and her husband again.

The Gate

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is still in pain after the horrific fall that her husband and her took a week and a half ago. Not fun when you have no choice but to sit in a wheelchair for hours in order to live. She is finally getting better as is her husband. But she is still struggling with the anxiety of falling again despite her ability to count the number of times that they have fallen in the past 24 years together on one hand. The story of the fall is for another time when she feels ready to write it. Not tonight.

Tonight she finds herself feeling depressed, sad, angry, exhausted. She is an open book anyway which often gets criticized because others are much more private than she is. Don’t tell her not to post something that is directly related to her. She feels so triggered because before she had to cut ties with her narcissistic mother and other family, her mother would be controlling and criticizing of some of her social media posts. Bull shit! She has a right to post whatever she wants as long as it doesn’t violate someone’s outright privacy. They do what they want.

However, The Trapped Butterfly is currently seeing why it may not always be worth giving details of her life online. Yet, she wants to be supported and encouraged especially when she is going on three fucking years of not being able to just be around people. God damn Covid. God damn the people that won’t do everything to help keep it as low as possible!

People who mean well were giving her ideas from getting an aide to getting a lift to help her husband with her care. She knows that they want to help them, but only one person recognizes that she and her husband have been talking about it and trying to get help but they don’t qualify for the type of help they require. They’ve tried many times. The second she got married almost 20 years ago she lost all her disability benefits. The fucking USA expects the disabled population to live way below the poverty line in order to get the help they need with extremely expensive adaptive equipment and services that will allow them to live independently and comfortably.

And now Covid has made it pretty much impossible for them to even try again because they are so high risk. She had a very telling dream the other night that they were going to a made up mall. When they got into the parking lot, there was a huge cement gate with the name of the university that she had went to and it was closed. The Trapped Butterfly looked at her husband like, “what the fuck?” The door of the gate was metal and dark while the rest of the gate was cement and brick.

Somehow her husband was able to find a way around the wall but when they started walking around the mall, every store was being packed up. She doesn’t remember but she doesn’t think anyone would interact with them.

It was such a weird, short dream but her husband said that it is obvious that she felt trapped and rejected. Basically, unseen.

Bingo! As people have brought up things that have been hard for her her whole life…Getting someone who is willing to do everything for her (feed, lift, take her to the bathroom, physically help with her schoolwork) wasn’t easy even when the damn school district was hiring and paying for them while she was in school. Thankfully, her parents found her a perfect babysitter until the babysitter moved after she finished her first year of high school. Then there were a couple other people that cared for her after school and on days off.

She found one aide after a first try when she graduated high school and the state was paying for them. That aide was with her for a few years before she had to quit. They had to get an agency that could provide aides quickly. The main aide was great. But a sub didn’t understand that she was talking when she talked. The Trapped Butterfly had to get a teacher to explain to the aide that every time she spoke, she wasn’t just “making noises.”

When the state decided that they couldn’t use the agency anymore and had to hire someone independently, they, again, looked through lists of people who wanted to work with in home care for people with disabilities and put an ad in the paper. But The Trapped Butterfly was in community college and her mother had to keep working, so her wonderful husband, then boyfriend/fiancé eventually quit his job and became her aide.

They were lucky that the university helped with aides for certain things that her husband didn’t want to do. Besides, she wanted to prove herself with other people helping her out. Her husband was still her primary caregiver and aide at the university.

After she graduated from the university, they went through the degrading process of trying to get the state to pay for someone to just sit with her for a few hours a couple days a week so her husband could ride his motorcycle but they didn’t qualify so they had to pay for the person who wasn’t always reliable. Thankfully, The Trapped Butterfly’s friend offered to have her over for free just to hang out.

Now the ongoing pandemic has limited her ability to do anything. There’s a fucking closed gate in front of her that unlike her dream, there’s NO WAY TO GET AROUND SAFELY!! Trapped AGAIN…

Definitely Living in the Twilight Zone

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly was confused. All week she thought it was Hanukkah but today is the first night of the Holiday. She doesn’t celebrate it but her professor is Jewish so she recognizes it. She also has a few Jewish friends. She has been wishing her professor a happy Hanukkah when it hasn’t even started yet. It starts tonight at sunset.

Then she thought it was Saturday instead of Sunday. As she was telling her husband what she wanted to wear that day, she said her “ink addict” sweatpants the were gray. Until her husband pulled out the mainly black sweatpants with some gray in them and teal lettering. She started laughing hysterically and part of her wanted to cry.

When one doesn’t have a “normal” life and everything is just monotonous, the days, weeks, and months just get really blurry. She imagines it is similar to having a new baby. A great parent is there no matter what for the child, but the lack of sleep and total disruption of what life was like before the precious baby was born is disorientating…But in the best way possible!

Hopefully she will eventually get her life back. But three years of this has definitely taken its toll on her.

Now what colors is she wearing again?

Trapped Again by Covid and Selfish People

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She had a nightmare the other night that the new tattoo shop was full of people. Her husband had to tell them to stay away from her. She was trying to cover her face with her hands and people were making fun of her.

Another Covid dream. She’s been having them since the pandemic started. She is terrified of getting the virus. She’s terrified of her husband getting it. Yes, they have made some progress in the vaccines and treatments, but unfortunately, due to the narcissistic person who was president at the time of the start of the pandemic, the CDC and conspiracy theorists have made this worse than it might have been had they had a normal president at the time.

Now that tattoo appointment that she had to do a bunch of research on before she made it is gone. The governor has put her state in another state of emergency due to Covid and the flu going nuts. Hospitals are overwhelmed and again people are on ventilators.

What the FUCK??? Rage filled her body. She HATES people. They are illiterate and have an IQ of -120!!!! Don’t mask. Don’t get vaccinated and boosted. Don’t continue to limit crowds. She is actually surprised that it took this long for the whole thing to blow up. She thinks it did in the summer but not to this point. And the media kept it under wraps due to the election.

She has been sacrificing her fucking life so everyone can live and get people sick. It’s the politicians’ and greed’s fault. Money above all else. Sickening! But The Trapped Butterfly is so sick of sacrificing her life!! She is so done with empathy for anyone but the children and the people who are truly trying their best to protect themselves and others from illnesses!

If people are going to restaurants and doing other shit without a mask and get sick with Covid, too bad! They are making it impossible for her to fucking live, so she is angry. They are absolutely destroying her wings!! And their own health as well as other people’s health.

Covid is the worst thing ever to happen! She can’t risk getting it or her husband getting it. It’s getting harder for him to care for her. When he had pneumonia last month and was out of breath from carrying her, it scared her! What if he was able to stay home with her but couldn’t get out of bed and care for her and the kitties? And then they looked up the oral treatment for Covid and they said that the pills cannot be crushed or broken so if she can’t take them, she is fucked!!!

Everything hurts so much. She misses her family—both biological and chosen. They shit all over her and she still misses them so much! It hurts so much! Gawd dammit!! It hurts! Her body aches and she sobs. She is so fucking tired of choosing the hard road to try to get to the better road. Is there even a better road??

As Bryan Adams sings, “It cuts like a knife, but it feels so right!”

Just a Trapped Butterfly in a Complicated World

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

It’s already Christmas time and she has been struggling with grief, physical pain, anxiety, and depression. She keeps getting the ache in her chest and stomach as if her heart was ripped out and she has been split in two. She has been having trouble with her emotional responses lately. It scares her.

Recently a few people have gotten Covid and have not been doing everything in their power to protect themselves from it. She has very little empathy for them. Really, she feels angry at them for being so stupid and selfish by not doing everything they can to help prevent it. Of course, she wants them to be ok. But her darker side is almost wanting something bad to happen to really wake them up to the fact that this virus is still deadlier than the flu. She knows this really isn’t who she is or who she wants to become, but being unable to free herself without fear of getting really sick or getting her husband really sick has made her just over it.

She actually misses the days of the start of the pandemic when many people were doing the right things. There were always assholes, but the majority of the people who were smart and on the side of Science did everything they could to help protect themselves and others. Now it’s even lonelier. The majority has decided that the pandemic is over and that Covid is not something to worry about.

Not even a year ago thousands of people were dying from Covid. Now deaths are lower but still higher than the flu. She just doesn’t understand. And yet, she’s supposed to be all empathetic when people who are not doing enough to protect themselves and others get sick? It’s confusing. She wants to be free, but she’s afraid of the virus because they are so high risk.

Her wings are desperate to open more. Yet, the other day while waiting for curbside services, she was watching all the people in the parking lot and she felt so grossed out. The thought of even trying to get out of the vehicle gave her physical tingles down her spine. She thought that if she was to try to get out of the vehicle, she would have a panic attack.

She feels like she’s losing her mind. She has a tattoo appointment in a week, and yet, she’s not able to be excited about it. She has to make sure that they don’t come in contact with unmasked people. She had to research the hell out of them before she even contacted them to see if they would work with her unique body and then keep them safe from viruses. Nothing is simple anymore. NOTHING!! Being severely physically disabled is always complicated. And the older she gets, the more complicated it becomes. But now she can’t DO ANYTHING WITHOUT INTENSE PLANNING!!! And with the country acting like it is over, it’s even more dangerous and complicated!

So why should she have a lot of empathy when people are sick if they don’t even try anymore? She’s literally lost so much ability than she already was limited by her disability. Hell, she can’t even take a shit without a very special, supportive chair for the butterfly to sit in. Hers is falling apart and hurting her hip but it isn’t readily available. Hopefully the guy she was hooked up with will find her one. But she can’t go to the wheelchair place to see if they can make one for her unless it’s private and they wear masks.

It hurts to be ignored even more by society. It hurts that people are just doing whatever they want and not being careful. What about us?

Yet, there are times when the spirit world hears her. Yesterday was one of those times. As her husband smoked his cigar, The Trapped Butterfly “went antiquing” online. Oh how she used to love antiquing. The smell of old things made her take deep breaths to drink in the scent of days gone by. She loves antique cats and Santas. The smell of her husband’s cigar made it smell antique like.

After looking at some cool antique Santas, she decided to look for a couple of Santas that her grandparents had in her childhood. Anyone who has been following her journey since Grandpa went to Heaven knows that she quickly learned that her grandma isn’t who she grew up with, and that her narcissistic mother started really showing her true self even more after her grandpa left for the ether.

She realizes he was her mediator for the stuff she was was either unaware of and/or didn’t want to see. So knowing that she will never get anything else from them when Grandma finally goes, she decided to find one of the 2 Santas that she remember from childhood. One she was afraid of because it would dance when you squeeze the belly. The other one was dancing on a stand. She asked her grandpa to help her find one. Her husband asked the spirits to help her as he sent cigar smoke to the heavens.

She couldn’t find the exact one but she showed her husband the picture of the one they have and the set she found on eBay. He immediately said yes because she was over analyzing it and wanted to make sure that it was close enough. Her husband immediately recognized it was very close to the one that her grandparents had and she ordered it. Plus, Mrs. Claus is included. Tears of joy ran down her face because Grandpa was helping her again. Thank you, Grandpa! I love you so much! Big hug! She got hers!

Eruption

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly has been fighting for this opportunity for a few months after the tattoo artist she found to give her a private tattoo session failed her this fall. She finally found another private shop where they are very liberal about everything. She took her time researching the shop and the artists. She hemmed and hawed over reaching out to them.

See, her biological family, including her narcissistic mother, have tattoos and she always wanted one, but due to her inability to sit still due to her severe cerebral palsy as well as her low tolerance for pain, she never thought she could do it. After her beloved grandfather went to Heaven, she decided she wanted to do it and get one for her grandpa.

Nobody thought that it would work for her. As determined as she was, The Trapped Butterfly had her doubts about it. Then she researched it herself and found out that others with her condition had tattoos. She still remembers the day when her husband took her to a local tattoo shop to see if anyone was even willing to try it with her…Ahhhh….The days before Covid…The days before all hell really broke loose leading to pretty much constant trauma…The days when she was as free as she could be…

Anyway, the day they went to the tattoo shop, she was so anxious that they would just reject her. She hated rejection. But they didn’t reject her! She got the appointment for the day after her birthday and she got so fucking high for the tattoo and she did it!!

Since then, she can’t get enough ink. In the past 6 years she has covered her body with beautiful colors and artwork that reflect her and the different things she loves as well as the different traumas she has been through. Getting tattoos makes her have to remain in the present moment. Tattoos make her feel accomplished, successful, pretty, and in control. She has constant physical and emotional pain. Tattoo pain is her choice!!

She tries so desperately to keep her emotional pain under wraps but it comes out. And it came out this morning when she got a message from her, hopefully, new artist that she’s not able to get her in in the best time of day for The Trapped Butterfly and her husband. Well, her brain, even though she had just meditated, went into panic and fight and flight mode. She knows that this is a very difficult time of day for them to be getting her tattooed. It’s during dinner time and tattoos usually take 2 hours or more. When her husband wasn’t able to give her what she needed, she erupted.

She admitted that the time was awful. She wanted him to help. But he couldn’t help her, and then she felt backed into a corner. Trapped. Her wings fluttered frantically in attempt to right themselves and not let go of some freedom.

As trapped animals do, when he couldn’t help her, she lashed out at him. In this moment, he was an enemy to protect herself from. She could feel herself doing it again and couldn’t do anything about it. She screamed at him for not helping her even though he does everything for her. The Trapped Butterfly wanted him to understand and feel the pain she was feeling and said something stupid about him not being able to smoke cigars anymore. That led to the response of her being like her dad. Her dad was so selfish and narcissistic that he couldn’t be happy for anyone who had something that he wanted and couldn’t have.

She knows that she can be like her parents. But gawd damnit, she was fucking trapped for almost 3 years!!! Man, not even being able to do anything herself should make her bitter. She desperately wanted children but it didn’t work out, so she should be mad at people for having children. Fuck, she should be pissed at all abled-bodied people for being able to do everything but SHE’S NOT!!! Yes, throughout her life she has felt left out and depressed. She’s gotten envious and angry. But never to the point of her dad. She is not perfect. The majority of the time she’s truly happy for people because she’s got her own full life, or at least she did.

The comment only made her feel worse about herself as she had already felt bad for hurting him. Unfortunately, she was out of control so that comment was the breaking point and she screamed “I HATE YOU” over and over again and that he was like her dad and mother and she screamed her dad’s name over and over.

She screamed and flailed as she was in more pain about her out of control eruption of emotions that she couldn’t control until finally she started to cry and she started to be able to breathe and use some comfort phrases. She played the song, “Beautiful Girl” by Sarah McLachlan in her head to help calm her down and be like a mom talking to her daughter.

She took a while to calm but finally everything started to quit flailing around and she apologized for what she said but she expected it back. She isn’t perfect and she has a trigger about apologies being accepted and forgiveness. She was still in somewhat her head when he apologized and she already forgave him but she forgot to say it so she said it when he asked if she was going to tell him that she forgave her.

The Trapped Butterfly has to be selfish and see if this can be her new home and safe place. Here in rural country, there’s not much selection for tattoo shops and they have to be willing to work with her body as well as keep her and her husband safe from viruses that are spreading because people are selfish and won’t keep wearing masks and keep up with their vaccinations. It’s just bullshit that she continues to be trapped despite being up on all the vaccinations! So she made the decision to go ahead with her tattoo appointment with the new artist and hope for the best with the messed up schedule. Hope that she can release some of the agitation, the restlessness, the pain, the rage by getting really high on cannabis and the meds she needs for her body to relax as much as possible and feeling the pain of the needle going across her skin, stabbing her hundreds of times. The pain that is producing beauty on her body in which she gets to keep forever and ever.

While The Trapped Butterfly still feels very anxious about it for many reasons, the fact that the artist has already been so willing to work with her and responds to her is a hopeful sign. It will all work out. But in a few weeks The Trapped Butterfly will get some much needed freedom and relief!!!