Category: Anger

Trapped Again by Covid and Selfish People

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She had a nightmare the other night that the new tattoo shop was full of people. Her husband had to tell them to stay away from her. She was trying to cover her face with her hands and people were making fun of her.

Another Covid dream. She’s been having them since the pandemic started. She is terrified of getting the virus. She’s terrified of her husband getting it. Yes, they have made some progress in the vaccines and treatments, but unfortunately, due to the narcissistic person who was president at the time of the start of the pandemic, the CDC and conspiracy theorists have made this worse than it might have been had they had a normal president at the time.

Now that tattoo appointment that she had to do a bunch of research on before she made it is gone. The governor has put her state in another state of emergency due to Covid and the flu going nuts. Hospitals are overwhelmed and again people are on ventilators.

What the FUCK??? Rage filled her body. She HATES people. They are illiterate and have an IQ of -120!!!! Don’t mask. Don’t get vaccinated and boosted. Don’t continue to limit crowds. She is actually surprised that it took this long for the whole thing to blow up. She thinks it did in the summer but not to this point. And the media kept it under wraps due to the election.

She has been sacrificing her fucking life so everyone can live and get people sick. It’s the politicians’ and greed’s fault. Money above all else. Sickening! But The Trapped Butterfly is so sick of sacrificing her life!! She is so done with empathy for anyone but the children and the people who are truly trying their best to protect themselves and others from illnesses!

If people are going to restaurants and doing other shit without a mask and get sick with Covid, too bad! They are making it impossible for her to fucking live, so she is angry. They are absolutely destroying her wings!! And their own health as well as other people’s health.

Covid is the worst thing ever to happen! She can’t risk getting it or her husband getting it. It’s getting harder for him to care for her. When he had pneumonia last month and was out of breath from carrying her, it scared her! What if he was able to stay home with her but couldn’t get out of bed and care for her and the kitties? And then they looked up the oral treatment for Covid and they said that the pills cannot be crushed or broken so if she can’t take them, she is fucked!!!

Everything hurts so much. She misses her family—both biological and chosen. They shit all over her and she still misses them so much! It hurts so much! Gawd dammit!! It hurts! Her body aches and she sobs. She is so fucking tired of choosing the hard road to try to get to the better road. Is there even a better road??

As Bryan Adams sings, “It cuts like a knife, but it feels so right!”

Just a Trapped Butterfly in a Complicated World

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

It’s already Christmas time and she has been struggling with grief, physical pain, anxiety, and depression. She keeps getting the ache in her chest and stomach as if her heart was ripped out and she has been split in two. She has been having trouble with her emotional responses lately. It scares her.

Recently a few people have gotten Covid and have not been doing everything in their power to protect themselves from it. She has very little empathy for them. Really, she feels angry at them for being so stupid and selfish by not doing everything they can to help prevent it. Of course, she wants them to be ok. But her darker side is almost wanting something bad to happen to really wake them up to the fact that this virus is still deadlier than the flu. She knows this really isn’t who she is or who she wants to become, but being unable to free herself without fear of getting really sick or getting her husband really sick has made her just over it.

She actually misses the days of the start of the pandemic when many people were doing the right things. There were always assholes, but the majority of the people who were smart and on the side of Science did everything they could to help protect themselves and others. Now it’s even lonelier. The majority has decided that the pandemic is over and that Covid is not something to worry about.

Not even a year ago thousands of people were dying from Covid. Now deaths are lower but still higher than the flu. She just doesn’t understand. And yet, she’s supposed to be all empathetic when people who are not doing enough to protect themselves and others get sick? It’s confusing. She wants to be free, but she’s afraid of the virus because they are so high risk.

Her wings are desperate to open more. Yet, the other day while waiting for curbside services, she was watching all the people in the parking lot and she felt so grossed out. The thought of even trying to get out of the vehicle gave her physical tingles down her spine. She thought that if she was to try to get out of the vehicle, she would have a panic attack.

She feels like she’s losing her mind. She has a tattoo appointment in a week, and yet, she’s not able to be excited about it. She has to make sure that they don’t come in contact with unmasked people. She had to research the hell out of them before she even contacted them to see if they would work with her unique body and then keep them safe from viruses. Nothing is simple anymore. NOTHING!! Being severely physically disabled is always complicated. And the older she gets, the more complicated it becomes. But now she can’t DO ANYTHING WITHOUT INTENSE PLANNING!!! And with the country acting like it is over, it’s even more dangerous and complicated!

So why should she have a lot of empathy when people are sick if they don’t even try anymore? She’s literally lost so much ability than she already was limited by her disability. Hell, she can’t even take a shit without a very special, supportive chair for the butterfly to sit in. Hers is falling apart and hurting her hip but it isn’t readily available. Hopefully the guy she was hooked up with will find her one. But she can’t go to the wheelchair place to see if they can make one for her unless it’s private and they wear masks.

It hurts to be ignored even more by society. It hurts that people are just doing whatever they want and not being careful. What about us?

Yet, there are times when the spirit world hears her. Yesterday was one of those times. As her husband smoked his cigar, The Trapped Butterfly “went antiquing” online. Oh how she used to love antiquing. The smell of old things made her take deep breaths to drink in the scent of days gone by. She loves antique cats and Santas. The smell of her husband’s cigar made it smell antique like.

After looking at some cool antique Santas, she decided to look for a couple of Santas that her grandparents had in her childhood. Anyone who has been following her journey since Grandpa went to Heaven knows that she quickly learned that her grandma isn’t who she grew up with, and that her narcissistic mother started really showing her true self even more after her grandpa left for the ether.

She realizes he was her mediator for the stuff she was was either unaware of and/or didn’t want to see. So knowing that she will never get anything else from them when Grandma finally goes, she decided to find one of the 2 Santas that she remember from childhood. One she was afraid of because it would dance when you squeeze the belly. The other one was dancing on a stand. She asked her grandpa to help her find one. Her husband asked the spirits to help her as he sent cigar smoke to the heavens.

She couldn’t find the exact one but she showed her husband the picture of the one they have and the set she found on eBay. He immediately said yes because she was over analyzing it and wanted to make sure that it was close enough. Her husband immediately recognized it was very close to the one that her grandparents had and she ordered it. Plus, Mrs. Claus is included. Tears of joy ran down her face because Grandpa was helping her again. Thank you, Grandpa! I love you so much! Big hug! She got hers!

Eruption

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly has been fighting for this opportunity for a few months after the tattoo artist she found to give her a private tattoo session failed her this fall. She finally found another private shop where they are very liberal about everything. She took her time researching the shop and the artists. She hemmed and hawed over reaching out to them.

See, her biological family, including her narcissistic mother, have tattoos and she always wanted one, but due to her inability to sit still due to her severe cerebral palsy as well as her low tolerance for pain, she never thought she could do it. After her beloved grandfather went to Heaven, she decided she wanted to do it and get one for her grandpa.

Nobody thought that it would work for her. As determined as she was, The Trapped Butterfly had her doubts about it. Then she researched it herself and found out that others with her condition had tattoos. She still remembers the day when her husband took her to a local tattoo shop to see if anyone was even willing to try it with her…Ahhhh….The days before Covid…The days before all hell really broke loose leading to pretty much constant trauma…The days when she was as free as she could be…

Anyway, the day they went to the tattoo shop, she was so anxious that they would just reject her. She hated rejection. But they didn’t reject her! She got the appointment for the day after her birthday and she got so fucking high for the tattoo and she did it!!

Since then, she can’t get enough ink. In the past 6 years she has covered her body with beautiful colors and artwork that reflect her and the different things she loves as well as the different traumas she has been through. Getting tattoos makes her have to remain in the present moment. Tattoos make her feel accomplished, successful, pretty, and in control. She has constant physical and emotional pain. Tattoo pain is her choice!!

She tries so desperately to keep her emotional pain under wraps but it comes out. And it came out this morning when she got a message from her, hopefully, new artist that she’s not able to get her in in the best time of day for The Trapped Butterfly and her husband. Well, her brain, even though she had just meditated, went into panic and fight and flight mode. She knows that this is a very difficult time of day for them to be getting her tattooed. It’s during dinner time and tattoos usually take 2 hours or more. When her husband wasn’t able to give her what she needed, she erupted.

She admitted that the time was awful. She wanted him to help. But he couldn’t help her, and then she felt backed into a corner. Trapped. Her wings fluttered frantically in attempt to right themselves and not let go of some freedom.

As trapped animals do, when he couldn’t help her, she lashed out at him. In this moment, he was an enemy to protect herself from. She could feel herself doing it again and couldn’t do anything about it. She screamed at him for not helping her even though he does everything for her. The Trapped Butterfly wanted him to understand and feel the pain she was feeling and said something stupid about him not being able to smoke cigars anymore. That led to the response of her being like her dad. Her dad was so selfish and narcissistic that he couldn’t be happy for anyone who had something that he wanted and couldn’t have.

She knows that she can be like her parents. But gawd damnit, she was fucking trapped for almost 3 years!!! Man, not even being able to do anything herself should make her bitter. She desperately wanted children but it didn’t work out, so she should be mad at people for having children. Fuck, she should be pissed at all abled-bodied people for being able to do everything but SHE’S NOT!!! Yes, throughout her life she has felt left out and depressed. She’s gotten envious and angry. But never to the point of her dad. She is not perfect. The majority of the time she’s truly happy for people because she’s got her own full life, or at least she did.

The comment only made her feel worse about herself as she had already felt bad for hurting him. Unfortunately, she was out of control so that comment was the breaking point and she screamed “I HATE YOU” over and over again and that he was like her dad and mother and she screamed her dad’s name over and over.

She screamed and flailed as she was in more pain about her out of control eruption of emotions that she couldn’t control until finally she started to cry and she started to be able to breathe and use some comfort phrases. She played the song, “Beautiful Girl” by Sarah McLachlan in her head to help calm her down and be like a mom talking to her daughter.

She took a while to calm but finally everything started to quit flailing around and she apologized for what she said but she expected it back. She isn’t perfect and she has a trigger about apologies being accepted and forgiveness. She was still in somewhat her head when he apologized and she already forgave him but she forgot to say it so she said it when he asked if she was going to tell him that she forgave her.

The Trapped Butterfly has to be selfish and see if this can be her new home and safe place. Here in rural country, there’s not much selection for tattoo shops and they have to be willing to work with her body as well as keep her and her husband safe from viruses that are spreading because people are selfish and won’t keep wearing masks and keep up with their vaccinations. It’s just bullshit that she continues to be trapped despite being up on all the vaccinations! So she made the decision to go ahead with her tattoo appointment with the new artist and hope for the best with the messed up schedule. Hope that she can release some of the agitation, the restlessness, the pain, the rage by getting really high on cannabis and the meds she needs for her body to relax as much as possible and feeling the pain of the needle going across her skin, stabbing her hundreds of times. The pain that is producing beauty on her body in which she gets to keep forever and ever.

While The Trapped Butterfly still feels very anxious about it for many reasons, the fact that the artist has already been so willing to work with her and responds to her is a hopeful sign. It will all work out. But in a few weeks The Trapped Butterfly will get some much needed freedom and relief!!!

Fuck you, Roo!!

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Reader discretion advised.

She looks at the half finished tattoo that she started with someone that she thought was her soul sister. She has had many so-called “BFFs” or “sisters,” but like her fucking family, they ended up being mentally ill and/or narcissistic. Or maybe she just can’t keep BFFs even though she is so desperate for one.

Roo honestly was the closest thing to a “soul sister” that she had ever had. And yet, here she is with the half finished tattoo desperate to get it finished over a year and a half later.

But thanks to fucking Covid and other viruses currently going around, she can’t just go get it done. It blares at her every fucking day. Of course, she gets her hopes up for another artist to get it done but so far, either they don’t have time for her on a day off or they aren’t comfortable with finishing another artist’s work. So the very thing that is supposed to be giving her pleasure and remembering her beloved iguana, is like an open wound that won’t heal. She is so fucking tired of it. If she was physically able, she may have gotten nice and drunk and high to scratch the fucking thing off. She would rather have the bloody mess and scars than this unfinished constant reminder that her supposed “soul sister” literally fucked her over due to her beliefs that freedom and her ways are so important than everyone else’s. Roo wants to live her way even if it is hurting people. The Trapped Butterfly just wants her freedom back and she wants other people to actually look out for others to let her and her fellow butterflies free.

Yet, she is behaving “narcissistically” according to Roo. The very thing that The Trapped Butterfly thought was a bonding feature of the friendship (both of them have narcissistic parents) turned out to be the very thing to ruin their relationship. Roo’s own horrible abuse had turned her into a horrible, malicious narcissistic bully. Sad, really. Bullying and abuse begets bullying and abuse.

The Trapped Butterfly constantly worries about her behavior being narcissistic but her therapist keeps reassuring her that she isn’t. How dare Roo use her and her husband! How dare Roo’s husband be so stupid not to see that The Trapped Butterfly was trying to figure it out and didn’t/couldn’t see that she was trying to be respectful yet honest.

Maybe that’s why people don’t like The Trapped Butterfly and they walk away from her so easily. Because once The Trapped Butterfly finally figures out their true deal, she calls them out. Not perfectly. She fucks up. She lashes out. But she also has a big heart and she loves fiercely.

Roo, you have hurt The Trapped Butterfly deeply. Some scars, when they finally turn into scars, will be with The Trapped Butterfly for the rest of her fucking life. But mark her words; YOU HAVE NOT AND WILL NOT DESTROY THE TRAPPED BUTTERFLY!! SHE KEEPS FIGHTING FOR HER FREEDOM AND HEALING!!!!