Tag: trying to hang on

Lost? Yes. Found? Not sure.

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is experiencing extreme depression and anxiety. She didn’t want the Christmas season to end. She struggled to settle completely in this season as once Halloween was over, she started finding out about some liberals, including ex-friends, were anti-Israel. She has too many Jewish friends who have been loyal to her and are good people to just follow the liberal agenda of Israel committing “genocide” in Gaza. She understands that Hamas uses its own people as human shields. She stood her ground and still does when it comes to the Jewish community and Israel. Yet, she has nothing but compassion for the innocent people who are suffering because of the war.

However, it was still painful to find out again that the people she thought were “her people” really weren’t. This caused her anger and anxiety which spilled into her life. Thankfully, she has pretty much gone through the process and has limited her self with social media.

The other thing that made it hard for The Trapped Butterfly to completely settle in to the most cosmic time of year was worry and frustration over family as well as her book. A family member is really struggling right now and has been for months.

She dreaded the New Year because she knows that even though the death rate for Covid this fall and winter has been slightly lower than last year and definitely dramatically lower than the previous 3 years, it’s still too high. They have been back to where they basically were last year. People are still dying daily and everyone is ignoring it. Hospitalizations are still higher for Covid than they are for the flu and RSV season. Basically, even though we’re, maybe, making some progress in the pandemic, it’s not enough to be safe living normally for her husband and her.

She has been trying to find her way. Her friends pushed her to get a petition going to try to get masks back in medical facilities year-round in her state. She knows she needs to make a difference in the world so she felt like the Spirit World wanted her to do it. Even with the knowledge that most petitions don’t succeed, she finds herself doing what she did with her first book, with her gofundme campaign, and other efforts to create change…Feeling like she is trying to get positive attention, not getting it easily, and taking it personally. Feeling like she has to do all this stuff that she doesn’t feel like she’s good at.

Wanting to remain open to the Spirit World and trying to find her place in a world where she is even more not welcome in, she set up a meeting with the marketing agent that she still wishes she would have taken her time to find someone who would really meet her needs. She gave in to the need to help people as well as the need to be victorious in getting her children’s book published after all the years of trauma that she has endured to finally get it illustrated and published and hired the guy without knowing that he is a right wing person. Usually this wouldn’t be an issue but with Covid, is for her. It was much easier when the book was in the process of being illustrated. If it wasn’t finished, she couldn’t publish it. She, naively, thought that Covid would be safe for them by the time it was ready. That is not what happened and this year she has lost hope that “this will be the year that they will finally figure something out and she will be free again.”

So when they video chatted with the marketing guy, she was trying to be open. He didn’t want to help with the petition and he gave her “tough love.” Ironically, she hates that word and she believes that she actually shut herself down. She didn’t want to lash out. She wanted to be open and hear him out about going ahead with publishing the book for Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month in March. And he is right about the fact that kids need this book. Something else that is bugging her big time. There’s not a children’s book like hers out there and it’s got to get out there. He said that it’s not what we want but we can make it work with online events and interviews. The Trapped Butterfly is trying to get used to the idea of not being able to do the book traditionally.

She still had that gripping pain in her chest as her husband was in agreement with the agent. She agreed while getting emotional about how badly she wants to be in the public doing events. It’s obvious that society has a real empathy problem. They don’t care if the vulnerable live or die or her petition would have thousands of signatures…Actually, there wouldn’t be a need to have a petition for masks in medical facilities because they would still be doing it anyway.

After the meeting, she felt proud of herself for being calm and open about this. But the pain in her chest remained. She reached out to a few trusted people to process it. Then the person who delivered her prescription, got the wrong prescription as the pharmacy got it wrong. So they rushed out to get the right prescription before the pharmacy closed. Nighttime drive.

Despite the anxiety and stress, she tried to enjoy the ride. The sunset was fiery pink, orange, red, and purple. Beautiful. The lights were bright and beautiful. The darkness of the trees in the forest were beautiful. Some houses had white lights still on. Despite the awfulness of the situation and having empathy for her husband who had to snuff out the cigar he was smoking as well as the physical pain he felt to do everything he had to do to get them over there in time, she knew this would probably be the last time she would be in the vehicle at night.

Her mind keeps racing. Her emotions are everywhere. So she is trying to practice her meditation as well as self care. During her “talk” with herself during the time her husband was cleaning up after dinner and feeding the cats, she found her mind going crazy and started to feel panic. She started softly talking to herself as if she was her best friend.

During the talk, she discovered a pattern. Instead of dealing with the conflict in her about the book, she shut down. She didn’t want to argue about it. She just agreed and figured that the fear would go away. Maybe it will. However, despite being a fighter and a firebrand, there are still times when she would just go along with whatever it was. She did it with her family, her friends, and her husband. They probably didn’t realize it because she didn’t even realize it until now. Plus, the abusers got what they wanted from her. It’s healthy to do it occasionally with your spouse but it’s a definite pattern in her.

The Trapped Butterfly knows how to stand her ground, but yet, she is still a people pleaser. Plus, abuse can make one afraid to stand up for themselves. She believes that she did this during the meeting.

Then she found herself questioning her instincts. She felt that she didn’t have good instincts, but she was able to look back at the past 4 years and see how she has made very difficult decisions in order to keep them safe from Covid. She is doing the best she can with all the hell she’s been through the past few years and more.

She often still worries about being a narcissist and being too much like her parents. But she found herself wanting to write people back instead of writing this story. If she was a narcissist, she would not give a fuck about anything but what she wants.

She keeps thinking that she wants to talk to her therapist about this. She cried softly and tried to tell herself that she is doing remarkably well with her situation. She has been going through hell, but still finds ways to incorporate joy in her life.

She really needs to explore with her therapist about her fear versus her instincts because she’s just not sure what is what. She needs to put herself first. Yet, she needs purpose.

She needs to explore why she shuts down sometimes and agrees to things whether it’s right or wrong. Sometimes she just isn’t aware she’s doing it. It feels right in the moment. But with the big stuff, she needs to figure this out before she gets herself in more trouble than she can handle…again…

And she is always looking outside for answers and guidance. This is normal and healthy behavior, but she does need to be able to look inside herself to find answers. She has to trust herself. But how? It’s so hard when things are really hard and she has to make the best decision when they all feel wrong.

For now, she is proud of herself for becoming aware of the fact that she was triggered by the meeting, feels so much pressure to do the book from herself, and for talking to herself as a best friend would. Not offering advice except to take the time to write this story which people may or may not relate to or enjoy but it helps her feel better. She will also remember that she looked up at the sky when they got home from picking up her correct prescription and saw the moon through the clouds. The moon, Spirits, and herself are always with her.

Trapped Butterfly, you got this. You are not alone. We will figure this out. You are doing amazingly well in this unprecedented time we’re living through. You are not alone!

Bombs, gunfire, and explosions

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She is in a weird wooden old house. At every turn a bomb is detonated. It’s loud, bright orange and yellow, and narrowly misses her and her husband as they try to flee from the house. Gunfire erupts with bullets passing right by her. She is terrified. She sees no way of getting out alive. The loudness is overwhelming. Fire everywhere.

The Trapped Butterfly wakes up in a panic. She gasps for air and her body is tense. Her heart is pounding. She starts to look around the dark bedroom with the blue night light on. The white noise is comforting. Her husband is peacefully sleeping next to her. It’s after 3 AM.

She has always had weird dreams about people trying to hurt her but this was the most intense dream she has ever had. She is afraid to go back to sleep but she’s stuck in bed because she can’t just get up and go read or do something else. She finally meditates herself to sleep only to have more weird dreams.

The summer has been one of getting to do some things normally and safely. The staff at the eye clinic masked up and did their best to keep them away from people. However, she got to safely interact with some young children who were in the eye care center while they waited outside for the staff to get them right in a room. Their sweet, curious faces smiling at her and looking at her and her wheelchair with curiosity. It was wonderful and made her cry tears of joy when they got home.

The vet made it so she could come in with her husband and kitties for the first time since the pandemic started. Nobody was there and the tech put them right in a room. She and the doctor wore masks for her.

Her professor came over for a visit outside. She is going to be with them for The Trapped Butterfly’s birthday.

However, her world continues to blow up. Yes, she is very aware that actual bombs are still blowing up people in Ukraine and the Middle East. Gunfire is a common occurrence in her local area and in her country. However, she still has a right to her own pain.

Her new children’s book is done and was about ready to be published this week, but despite how hard she fought to pick up the pieces from her “chosen family” fucking around with getting it illustrated and then not finishing it because they were mad at her for stating facts and trying to enforce boundaries, the closer it got to actually publishing it, the more dread and panic filled her. This is not how one is supposed to feel about releasing a book.

She knows that she could do some controlled events with masks outside, but there are new variants of Covid going around and people are getting sick that are trying to still be careful. And she knows that seeing other local authors who are going to be doing their own events that she should be doing too.

Then there’s the media. Not that she expects to get famous, but the book was written many years before Covid. She never imagined that she wouldn’t be able to have a normal schedule of live events in her area. There are so many opportunities for book events in her area. How is she going to answer the questions that the media might ask.

Media: “Do you still love antiquing? How often do you go antiquing?”

The Trapped Butterfly: “I don’t get to go anymore because of Covid and our high risk of getting seriously ill.”

Media: “But other people with disabilities are out and about.”

The Trapped Butterfly: “Yeah and some are still dying from it.”

Media: Do you have any book events planned?”

The Trapped Butterfly: “Only private, controlled ones with people wearing masks.”

Cue up the laughter from the Covid deniers and the “how sad” but move right on with life from more sympathetic people. Yeah, no thanks.

She is dealing with an unbelievable ignorant, ableist world that has moved on from a virus that isn’t just a respiratory illness but a disease that attacks the body in ways we are just learning about. Yes, we are in a better place than we were last year with hospitalizations and deaths but we have not had a day where no deaths have happened in this country and other countries. Now hospitalizations are rising. There’s clear evidence from multiple research studies are showing that repeat infections of this virus is making people more likely to get seriously sick and die or get long term health problems. Covid is not the flu or a cold. It affects the nervous system, cardiovascular system, gastrointestinal system, and brain. Basically it attacks the whole body even with a mild case.

Then she’s having to deal with someone who is not Covid friendly which makes her sick. But she is making it work by being assertive. She should have done more research on the person. Yet, another mistake she made.

So another night she dreams about going back to school. They were in the wrong room and her professor came and found them. In her dream, The Trapped Butterfly was being pushed by someone else and they weren’t masked, thus, breathing on her. When her and her husband got into the correct classroom, they tried to sit where people wouldn’t sit right by them. Except they started crowding around her. She had a panic attack and started crying. Her husband got her out of there. She was sure that they would get Covid.

Dreams are weird. Some dreams she’s being normal with no worries about Covid. And others are just full of fear and panic.

After the going back to school dream, The Trapped Butterfly made the hard decision to delay releasing the book right now. She is terrified of getting this virus. She also doesn’t want to feel even more left out than she already does. So she is going to create a video and announce it to everyone. She feels selfish because she knows that the world needs another book like this. She knows that little children need a book to encourage them to keep fighting for their dreams and goals. But with the current uncertainty of the virus and even the uncertainty surrounding getting another shot soon is making her want to just cocoon herself again and do her best to enjoy the cosmic season of fall and early winter.

She is angry and sad. She still doesn’t understand why people are so ignorant and insensitive about the virus, thus, helping to make people who are trying to do everything right in order not to get sick, get sick. I wonder if some of these people would feel horrible if they found out that they put someone in the hospital by spreading it around instead of following proper precautions that are proven to prevent it. The media and government are not helping by downplaying it.

So here she is…Her birthday week…and her world continues to blow up all around her. Best to just cocoon and keep hoping that the day will eventually come when she is no longer trapped.

Down in a Hole

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Alice In Chains blasted from the wireless speaker that her sister-in-law gave them years ago. The Trapped Butterfly was having a meltdown and her husband was helpless to help again after the meeting with the marketing agent working with her to get her children’s book published and out there!

The book is beautiful! The illustrator is excellent and got it all done in roughly 8 months. It’s now ready to be uploaded to Amazon. This will be happening this week. It’s still a few weeks away from being ready to be available to the public. She is grateful for that because, again, she feels like she doesn’t know if it’s the right time to publish the book.

Covid has gotten better the past few months but people are still dying from it when the flu is not around yet. There’s yet to be a week with no deaths in the country and world. Plus, long Covid is still an issue. People are accepting the unacceptable. Sure, 500 deaths per week is so much better than the thousands of deaths per week earlier in the pandemic. In March of this year, it was 1800 deaths per week. But people are still dying!

Her marketing agent is wonderful! However, in order to try to get people to come to events that will have to be outside, no “trigger words” can be used. She knows that the idiots get all mean and stupid when Covid and anything related to Covid is mentioned. Fewer people are masking regularly. She isn’t able to mask because of spasms and even if they are able to get it to stay on, it will further impede her ability to speak. She has wracked her brain to try to figure out how to do some events in person safely. Masking appropriately would make it safer for her and her husband to do so. Yet, it appears that that’s not possible from the marketing standpoint. So a bunch of people who may or may not be up to date with the vaccines will be interacting with them. Her husband will be taking credit cards and money from them. He is going to be helping her sign books. This puts him (and her since he is her 24 hour caregiver) at risk even though he will be masked as usual.

She watches other people live their lives in blissful chosen ignorance. She doesn’t know if she’s able to tolerate watching other authors doing the local events. She feels so robbed of something that is supposed to be joyful and fun!!

Thankfully, a little over a week ago she finally got some freedom safely. She sat in the cozy room that they were able to enter from the outside to avoid the rest of the tattoo shop. It was decorated with various weird things and artwork. The artist is so nice and willing to accommodate them! He finished the lizard leg that had been an open wound for 2 years. The needle stabbed her millions of times over the course of almost 3 hours. They could hear people talking in the main area of the shop. It felt wonderful!

Every time she looked at the progress of her leg, she was so happy and blown away. The artist wasn’t even fazed by her spasms. He created a beautiful piece out of a shitty outline. When it was finished, she was raw, but just stared at it especially when they had to go to the front desk to pay. Her husband remained masked and didn’t get close to anyone. While she waited for them to come back, she just kept staring at it and smiling.

Dark purple flower pedals. Green iguana with a grayish blue background. Bright peach desert flowers with green leaves and more grayish blue shading with the desert flower fauna. It could not have come out better—even if the original artist had finished it.

It’s still healing. Every time she sees it, she smiles at it instead of cursing it in her head or telling her late iguana that it will get done soon. She is so happy to have ink back in her life with an artist that is up to date with the Covid shots. He is also very like-minded about a number of other issues that are going on right now.

Why can’t there be more people like him? Also, she has been promoting the fact that July is Disability Pride Month. Until a couple years ago she didn’t even know about Disability Pride Month because the damn mainstream media ignores it. People with disabilities have been the most ignored minority with laws that used to not even allow them to be in public. Disability rights are constantly in jeopardy, especially now with the right wing cult trying to take away women’s rights and the LBGTQ+ community is also being attacked by the right wing cult. Taking away the rights of transgender individuals to get gender affirming care, not allowing transgender people to use the bathroom of the gender in which they identify, and not allowing them to change their gender on their driver’s licenses or ID cards. She is grateful to live in a state where these rights are protected.

She tries to calm her heart and anxiety. But as Alice In Chains sings, she is “down in a hole. Feeling so small. She wants to flllllyyyyy.”

Dreams about them

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The past two nights The Trapped Butterfly has been dreaming about her once chosen family. Check out Fuck you, Roo!! for a little context into something that was seemingly so beautiful and cosmic into something so dark, hateful, and ruthless. Obviously, The Trapped Butterfly is still struggling with the whole thing because she still loves them. She wishes she could fix it and get it back for her and her husband.

She wishes she didn’t still miss them as well as her narcissistic mother and her whole biological family because they have all hurt her so deeply that she should have nothing but hate for them. Believe her, she has had plenty of times when she has hated them as the hurt, anger, and rage shake throughout her body making her want to lash out. But she knows better and that isn’t who she is.

The Trapped Butterfly has been having a lot of thoughts since the fall and can’t believe how isolated they are. Yes, they still have a lot of friends and professors who care about them and have helped them. But they have lost their main support system due to Covid, selfishness, and finally, crushing malicious narcissism. Yes, in some relationships she has had a part in this, but it was not always her fault despite what they said. Yet, she is so used to being blamed for everything that she has blamed herself at times. Yet, she apologized to those who she had offended but they didn’t accept her apology.

So both of her dreams the past two nights have been about working it out with Roo and Mr. Yellow. It was a long dream but they were at their house. Other people were around. Roo even talked about where to put something her mother gave her.

Finally, The Trapped Butterfly was able to get one on one with Roo. She tearfully explained to Roo how sorry she was for hurting them. She honestly never ever meant to. Eventually Roo softened her stance and forgave her. They were able to come to terms with everything.

Mr. Yellow was very reluctant to speak to The Trapped Butterfly. She would look at him and he would turn away from her. After several pleas to talk to Mr. Yellow, Roo got him to come talk to her.

Again, The Trapped Butterfly tearfully explains that she never meant to hurt him and she was so sorry. Mr. Yellow got teary eyed and hugged her. She ended up getting them back and they all just moved on.

She hated it when she woke up in the morning. It was one of those dreams that continued despite her brief awakenings throughout the night. It made her feel sad and depressed.

The very next night she had another long dream about them. This time they were taking care of her while her husband had to go do something. With her severe cerebral palsy, she truly can’t be left alone at all and sometimes this crosses over into her dreams.

In this dream, Mr. Yellow was carrying her around the house and Roo did some dressing and she sat with her on the couch so that The Trapped Butterfly wouldn’t fall over. It was normal except for some weird people popping in and out. But they were high and goofing around like they used to do.

When her husband arrived back at their house, The Trapped Butterfly told him how great they were with her and how much fun they had. Her husband was so relieved.

Waking up from this dream after the one the night before had her very sad and wanting so badly to be able to get back what they’ve lost. But Roo is mentally ill and narcissistic like The Trapped Butterfly’s mother and other family members. It hurts so much. Her husband came clean about seeing a little more of how Roo was throwing a certain project that they were doing in her face later in the day.

The Trapped Butterfly can only hope that the future will hold friends that are healthy. She can only hope that the lizard leg will be finished soon enough since they had to cancel the appointment due to the fall they took the 2.5 weeks ago.

She will not let any more narcissists take advantage of her again if she can help it.

She will continue to grieve for her old life. And tomorrow is 16 years since her first kitty crossed the rainbow bridge. She will always remember people but she will never let them hurt her and her husband again.

Fuck you, Roo!!

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Reader discretion advised.

She looks at the half finished tattoo that she started with someone that she thought was her soul sister. She has had many so-called “BFFs” or “sisters,” but like her fucking family, they ended up being mentally ill and/or narcissistic. Or maybe she just can’t keep BFFs even though she is so desperate for one.

Roo honestly was the closest thing to a “soul sister” that she had ever had. And yet, here she is with the half finished tattoo desperate to get it finished over a year and a half later.

But thanks to fucking Covid and other viruses currently going around, she can’t just go get it done. It blares at her every fucking day. Of course, she gets her hopes up for another artist to get it done but so far, either they don’t have time for her on a day off or they aren’t comfortable with finishing another artist’s work. So the very thing that is supposed to be giving her pleasure and remembering her beloved iguana, is like an open wound that won’t heal. She is so fucking tired of it. If she was physically able, she may have gotten nice and drunk and high to scratch the fucking thing off. She would rather have the bloody mess and scars than this unfinished constant reminder that her supposed “soul sister” literally fucked her over due to her beliefs that freedom and her ways are so important than everyone else’s. Roo wants to live her way even if it is hurting people. The Trapped Butterfly just wants her freedom back and she wants other people to actually look out for others to let her and her fellow butterflies free.

Yet, she is behaving “narcissistically” according to Roo. The very thing that The Trapped Butterfly thought was a bonding feature of the friendship (both of them have narcissistic parents) turned out to be the very thing to ruin their relationship. Roo’s own horrible abuse had turned her into a horrible, malicious narcissistic bully. Sad, really. Bullying and abuse begets bullying and abuse.

The Trapped Butterfly constantly worries about her behavior being narcissistic but her therapist keeps reassuring her that she isn’t. How dare Roo use her and her husband! How dare Roo’s husband be so stupid not to see that The Trapped Butterfly was trying to figure it out and didn’t/couldn’t see that she was trying to be respectful yet honest.

Maybe that’s why people don’t like The Trapped Butterfly and they walk away from her so easily. Because once The Trapped Butterfly finally figures out their true deal, she calls them out. Not perfectly. She fucks up. She lashes out. But she also has a big heart and she loves fiercely.

Roo, you have hurt The Trapped Butterfly deeply. Some scars, when they finally turn into scars, will be with The Trapped Butterfly for the rest of her fucking life. But mark her words; YOU HAVE NOT AND WILL NOT DESTROY THE TRAPPED BUTTERFLY!! SHE KEEPS FIGHTING FOR HER FREEDOM AND HEALING!!!!

Pain

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The following is graphic. Reader discretion advise.

She wanders around in a state of confusion. Nothing was right anymore except her love of her husband and kitties. But everything else is wrong and like she is in the twilight zone and she can’t get out.

Her life has never been easy. Abuse, fighting to prove people wrong, fighting for children and the oppressed. She doesn’t always get it right and she has had to grow and change. But she is. But this fight is so out of her control and she is so tired of it. How do you fight something that could literally kill her and her husband? Yet, it is killing her because she doesn’t know how to accept that her life that she worked so hard for is gone. She refuses to believe it but there’s no way out of this one.

People don’t understand and they are acting like it’s no big deal. Narcissistic president and his minions have ruined the trust for the medical professionals and even threaten them. Yet, people are still in love with this regime. But even the people who once fought to save lives have caved in to the public and their own exhaustion of the pandemic. Removing the mitigations that helps save lives.

She finds herself trying to hope that maybe this shot will be the one that really prevents the virus from invading people only to keep hearing the people who are up to date with the shots still get it. The news always reports that the people have mild symptoms. What are mild symptoms anyway? Downplaying it all still.

Or is her fear unfounded? She usually gets really sick when she gets the flu or something upper respiratory. And her body is changing. Spasms she never used to have, she now has. More chronic pain too.

She’s never pitied herself for her disability. It’s the way it is. But being left out has been a problem for her. She can’t just jump up and get together with her friends. She struggled with depression in high school from not being able to be a typical teenager. Plus the ongoing abuse and dysfunctional family.

Then there’s all the loss. Some expected as nobody lives forever and others unexpected due to abuse. Sometimes she quietly, not alway though, rages at them, the abusers, thinking horrible things that are not even her but she wants people who have inflicted so much pain on her and her husband or on innocent people to feel at least some of that pain. Does karma even work?

Other times, with the people who have directly hurt her, she would give annnnyyyythiiing to repair the relationship. She fights herself blaming herself for what she did to contribute to everything falling apart.

“Why couldn’t she just keep her mouth shut?” “Why did she react?” “What did she do to end up here?”

She is constantly worried about her being narcissistic too. But then she, or someone, reminds her that she didn’t do anything wrong. But she is still a “fixer.” Again, like the virus, she can’t fix these relationships and that makes her feel even worse and stuck.

She finds it hard to relax but she has moments of pure peace and beauty. She tries to keep them going. But now she is fighting for the one thing that really helps her deal with life and trauma and it’s now so hard.

A cosmic place that was so beautiful and full of love, or so she thought, was savagely ripped away from her and her husband and she can’t save it. She tried but nothing she said is right to them. Again, she fell for narcissism and, yet, she is so desperate to go back. Desperate for the wonderful smells, sights, sensations, laughter, and love. Now an unfinished tattoo reminds her of that constantly. She always thinks about them and other people who were supposed to love her forever. Her heart is so ripped up more than she ever thought possible.

And even though she tries not to think about it, she knows more loss is coming and she doesn’t know how she is going to bear it.

She tries to think about things she’s grateful for but it doesn’t erase that pain anymore. She sees no way out except for nature, natural meds, and games. This wasn’t supposed to be her life. She craves the release and accomplishment of getting tattooed. They give her power and makes her feel pretty. If people are going to stare at her, why not give everyone something to look at? She loves looking at her tattoos but she needs the release regularly and losing that cosmic place and everyone acting like this virus is over has made it so hard to get something so fucking vital for her emotional well-being.

She is so trapped. More than normal and she doesn’t know when it will be done. She is trying to keep going but she is so fucking exhausted. Waking up to the same thing over and over again feels again like she is in the twilight zone. Maybe she is. And maybe in a parallel universe or dimension she is living a totally different life and that is comforting for some strange reason since she is trapped in here until whoever deems that it is time to set her free. Maybe she can meet her other selves if it works that way when she is set free from her current meat sack. Yet, she is so afraid of the process of leaving this dimension. She wishes she remembered life before birth. We can’t just come into existence at conception but she doesn’t believe that we choose where we go because she would have picked a wonderful family who was healthy and she still would have chosen Grandpa and her husband and her animals. But the cp and abuse and alcoholism and all the dysfunction and narcissism would not have been chosen. And babies who died before birth for all reasons wouldn’t choose that.

She doesn’t know how to keep going but she is. She tries but it hurts so bad sometimes. She misses the days when life was easier and sweeter. Will it ever come back to her again? At least for a while? Please??