Tag: trauma

Heartbreak, Dream, Fall

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Trigger warning for pet loss

The Trapped Butterfly recently looked at her website and saw that the last time she wrote a story was in January. Now she knows why the Spirits didn’t want her to release her children’s book in March. Just a couple of weeks after her last story, their elderly 17.5 year old kitty, Patches started to be fearful of seemingly the water dish. Over the course of the weeks that followed, it became apparent that Patches was suffering from mouth and jaw pain.

In and out of the vet. They thought it was a dental issue and they were not able to get x-rays that probably would have shown them that a tumor was somewhere in her head and jaw. From February to March 28th, they did everything they could to manage her pain and keep her eating and drinking. She would do better for a while then take a huge turn for the worst.

March 17th was one of the days that Patches took a major turn for the worst and they couldn’t even get her in the emergency room until that night. It was a horrible day and night for them. The Trapped Butterfly and her husband were beyond worried and scared. Patches couldn’t eat or drink and she peed in her bed.

The Trapped Butterfly was so grateful that they had finally found a mask that would stay on her face so she could go into the vet. They were put in the room where they had helped their tabby cat, YP, cross the rainbow bridge almost seven years ago, and the PTSD was palpable. She was so scared that they were going to have to go through it again with Patches. They actually probably would have if Patches had cooperated with the head x-rays.

Everything came back normal as usual except for the resorption of a few teeth. The emergency room vet did bring up helping her cross the rainbow bridge but with only the knowledge that Patches had dental issues and everything else was fine except for the losing weight and horrible pain she was in, doing that felt like murder to The Trapped Butterfly.

Yet, her mind keeps visiting that night because while they were running test on Patches, she and her husband went outside to wait for a while and get out of that room.

The air was cool and crisp for an almost spring night. The sky was clear and deep black with the stars and the planets shining brightly above her. And her beloved moon was out! She stared at the moon and prayed for Patches. She got a few moments of peace. She even heard and saw an owl. It reminded her of the time when her mother-in-law was in the hospital with a tumor in her bladder. The doctor went into biopsy it. It was a risky procedure for her age. Her and her husband went outside for a break during the surgery, which is when The Trapped Butterfly looked up at the deep blue sky and prayed for her “mom” to be okay. A moment of peace. Thankfully, a miracle happened and her second mom would go on to live a few more years before she transitioned into Heaven. Now the night sky was giving her the same peace and comfort.

Patches was treated and went home that night. On the way home, they saw a group of deer. The headlights reflected off their eyes. It was so beautiful. Patches finally ate and was acting better once they got home in the wee hours of the night.

Just a week and a half later right after finally getting the dental work appointment set up, Patches took a massive turn for the worst and before they could completely wrap their heads around it, they were saying goodbye to their sweet baby girl.

They are still heartbroken and grieving. It was horrific especially when they didn’t even know exactly what was wrong with her. But they have been told by 2 vet techs and the vet that Patches more than likely developed a tumor in her head that affected her jaw and vision and caused immense pain.

The PTSD has been horrible for The Trapped Butterfly since the passing of her sweet baby girl. Their fur babies are like children to her and her husband.

Then there’s the ongoing pandemic that is still going on and killing thousands of people. But everyone wants to deny it except for those who are following the virus closely as well as being aware of the research showing that the virus is still harming the body in ways that people don’t understand or want to believe.

The Trapped Butterfly finally got to watch the sunset the other night since they don’t go out anymore at night in the summer. The mosquitoes are awful too. But now it’s getting dark earlier and it was a cool night.

Watching the last light of the day reflect orange and yellow off the top of the trees was magical. Watching it get darker until she saw a bright light in the sky. It was Venus. She saw the comet that won’t be this close to the earth again for another 80,000 years was amazing. Faint little light with a tail. Being the first sunset outside since Patches flew away brought up grief for The Trapped Butterfly. Patches has been giving so many signs of butterflies and moons as well as showing up herself in spirit form. She is one active kitty just like she was in life.

The Trapped Butterfly has been dealing with her own trauma as well as the world being literally on fire. So last night when she dreamt about her narcissistic mother, she actually felt the strong physical pain of grief in her dream.

The dream was that her narcissistic mother unexpectedly showed up at the house. The Trapped Butterfly was asleep when she showed up. Her husband turned her mother away and even the mother’s boyfriend.

When The Trapped Butterfly woke up in the dream, her husband informed her of what had happened. He even mimicked her mother as he explained that she said that she just thought she would stop by. She said she could come back later and she would even mask up. She offered to have her boyfriend come over to visit. But her husband said no.

Even though The Trapped Butterfly knew that her mother was manipulative, she felt her heart literally ache for her mother as well as the rejection that her husband had to give her.

When The Trapped Butterfly woke up from the dream, she felt sad and anxious. On top of that she had to inform her husband that another recent earring was hurting her and needed to be changed that day. Which meant going to the shop. Her husband had Shingles over the summer twice, therefore, he is still tired a lot. Going out on a whim isn’t easy for him nowadays. She didn’t dare tell him about the dream that had brought up a ton of emotions for her.

Tonight she got quiet, got off social media, and decided to watch some videos of Patches. She is so grateful to have so many and hear a lot of her different sounds and meows. She needed to finally process all of her feelings that are whirling around in her heart and head. Now it’s bedtime so she has to finish everything up. She wants to cry.

Yet, she knows that the Spirits are around her. The planets and stars and the moon are all shining in the night sky at this very moment even if she can’t see them.

Lost? Yes. Found? Not sure.

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is experiencing extreme depression and anxiety. She didn’t want the Christmas season to end. She struggled to settle completely in this season as once Halloween was over, she started finding out about some liberals, including ex-friends, were anti-Israel. She has too many Jewish friends who have been loyal to her and are good people to just follow the liberal agenda of Israel committing “genocide” in Gaza. She understands that Hamas uses its own people as human shields. She stood her ground and still does when it comes to the Jewish community and Israel. Yet, she has nothing but compassion for the innocent people who are suffering because of the war.

However, it was still painful to find out again that the people she thought were “her people” really weren’t. This caused her anger and anxiety which spilled into her life. Thankfully, she has pretty much gone through the process and has limited her self with social media.

The other thing that made it hard for The Trapped Butterfly to completely settle in to the most cosmic time of year was worry and frustration over family as well as her book. A family member is really struggling right now and has been for months.

She dreaded the New Year because she knows that even though the death rate for Covid this fall and winter has been slightly lower than last year and definitely dramatically lower than the previous 3 years, it’s still too high. They have been back to where they basically were last year. People are still dying daily and everyone is ignoring it. Hospitalizations are still higher for Covid than they are for the flu and RSV season. Basically, even though we’re, maybe, making some progress in the pandemic, it’s not enough to be safe living normally for her husband and her.

She has been trying to find her way. Her friends pushed her to get a petition going to try to get masks back in medical facilities year-round in her state. She knows she needs to make a difference in the world so she felt like the Spirit World wanted her to do it. Even with the knowledge that most petitions don’t succeed, she finds herself doing what she did with her first book, with her gofundme campaign, and other efforts to create change…Feeling like she is trying to get positive attention, not getting it easily, and taking it personally. Feeling like she has to do all this stuff that she doesn’t feel like she’s good at.

Wanting to remain open to the Spirit World and trying to find her place in a world where she is even more not welcome in, she set up a meeting with the marketing agent that she still wishes she would have taken her time to find someone who would really meet her needs. She gave in to the need to help people as well as the need to be victorious in getting her children’s book published after all the years of trauma that she has endured to finally get it illustrated and published and hired the guy without knowing that he is a right wing person. Usually this wouldn’t be an issue but with Covid, is for her. It was much easier when the book was in the process of being illustrated. If it wasn’t finished, she couldn’t publish it. She, naively, thought that Covid would be safe for them by the time it was ready. That is not what happened and this year she has lost hope that “this will be the year that they will finally figure something out and she will be free again.”

So when they video chatted with the marketing guy, she was trying to be open. He didn’t want to help with the petition and he gave her “tough love.” Ironically, she hates that word and she believes that she actually shut herself down. She didn’t want to lash out. She wanted to be open and hear him out about going ahead with publishing the book for Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month in March. And he is right about the fact that kids need this book. Something else that is bugging her big time. There’s not a children’s book like hers out there and it’s got to get out there. He said that it’s not what we want but we can make it work with online events and interviews. The Trapped Butterfly is trying to get used to the idea of not being able to do the book traditionally.

She still had that gripping pain in her chest as her husband was in agreement with the agent. She agreed while getting emotional about how badly she wants to be in the public doing events. It’s obvious that society has a real empathy problem. They don’t care if the vulnerable live or die or her petition would have thousands of signatures…Actually, there wouldn’t be a need to have a petition for masks in medical facilities because they would still be doing it anyway.

After the meeting, she felt proud of herself for being calm and open about this. But the pain in her chest remained. She reached out to a few trusted people to process it. Then the person who delivered her prescription, got the wrong prescription as the pharmacy got it wrong. So they rushed out to get the right prescription before the pharmacy closed. Nighttime drive.

Despite the anxiety and stress, she tried to enjoy the ride. The sunset was fiery pink, orange, red, and purple. Beautiful. The lights were bright and beautiful. The darkness of the trees in the forest were beautiful. Some houses had white lights still on. Despite the awfulness of the situation and having empathy for her husband who had to snuff out the cigar he was smoking as well as the physical pain he felt to do everything he had to do to get them over there in time, she knew this would probably be the last time she would be in the vehicle at night.

Her mind keeps racing. Her emotions are everywhere. So she is trying to practice her meditation as well as self care. During her “talk” with herself during the time her husband was cleaning up after dinner and feeding the cats, she found her mind going crazy and started to feel panic. She started softly talking to herself as if she was her best friend.

During the talk, she discovered a pattern. Instead of dealing with the conflict in her about the book, she shut down. She didn’t want to argue about it. She just agreed and figured that the fear would go away. Maybe it will. However, despite being a fighter and a firebrand, there are still times when she would just go along with whatever it was. She did it with her family, her friends, and her husband. They probably didn’t realize it because she didn’t even realize it until now. Plus, the abusers got what they wanted from her. It’s healthy to do it occasionally with your spouse but it’s a definite pattern in her.

The Trapped Butterfly knows how to stand her ground, but yet, she is still a people pleaser. Plus, abuse can make one afraid to stand up for themselves. She believes that she did this during the meeting.

Then she found herself questioning her instincts. She felt that she didn’t have good instincts, but she was able to look back at the past 4 years and see how she has made very difficult decisions in order to keep them safe from Covid. She is doing the best she can with all the hell she’s been through the past few years and more.

She often still worries about being a narcissist and being too much like her parents. But she found herself wanting to write people back instead of writing this story. If she was a narcissist, she would not give a fuck about anything but what she wants.

She keeps thinking that she wants to talk to her therapist about this. She cried softly and tried to tell herself that she is doing remarkably well with her situation. She has been going through hell, but still finds ways to incorporate joy in her life.

She really needs to explore with her therapist about her fear versus her instincts because she’s just not sure what is what. She needs to put herself first. Yet, she needs purpose.

She needs to explore why she shuts down sometimes and agrees to things whether it’s right or wrong. Sometimes she just isn’t aware she’s doing it. It feels right in the moment. But with the big stuff, she needs to figure this out before she gets herself in more trouble than she can handle…again…

And she is always looking outside for answers and guidance. This is normal and healthy behavior, but she does need to be able to look inside herself to find answers. She has to trust herself. But how? It’s so hard when things are really hard and she has to make the best decision when they all feel wrong.

For now, she is proud of herself for becoming aware of the fact that she was triggered by the meeting, feels so much pressure to do the book from herself, and for talking to herself as a best friend would. Not offering advice except to take the time to write this story which people may or may not relate to or enjoy but it helps her feel better. She will also remember that she looked up at the sky when they got home from picking up her correct prescription and saw the moon through the clouds. The moon, Spirits, and herself are always with her.

Trapped Butterfly, you got this. You are not alone. We will figure this out. You are doing amazingly well in this unprecedented time we’re living through. You are not alone!

Losing my religion

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She has been struggling with her faith for years now. She still believes in Jesus but that is about it when it comes to Christianity and Church doctrine. She prays regularly but it’s more about sending positive vibes out to the world as well as asking the Spiritual World to help in whatever way They can.

She was a devout Christian since she was 15. It gave her a community and a sense of belonging to something bigger. To be honest, she had always believed in Jesus and Heaven. Maybe her near death experience when she didn’t breathe for 40 minutes at birth is the reason why she found believing in Heaven and Jesus so easy for her. Or maybe she was just so desperate for unconditional love that she was easily sucked into the world of Christianity.

Over the years she continued to be faithful to the nondenominational church. Her husband became “saved” the first year of their relationship.

Unfortunately, they were blinded by what they truly believed was “Biblical.” The only thing that they knew was wrong with some Christians was the belief that they had to spank/hit their children from an early age in order to “discipline” them. But her abuse as well as watching young children grow up, she knew it wasn’t right for God to want young children to be hurt by their parents. She studied early childhood education in college and grad school. There is no doubt that spanking/hitting children is really not what the Christian God wants.

She spent years researching the Bible and the history behind the few verses that Christians use to defend their beliefs in spanking. She naively believed that if she could combine both the research of the Bible with the research of child development, she could change minds. Thus, writing a 500 page book on gentle parenting.

She did reach some who were open to gentle parenting but she got so much hate from Christians. Being called a heretic and satan. It was at this point that she started realizing that this whole Christianity thing might not be what she thought it was.

Then the series of traumatic events happened in the span of 8 years also chipped away at her Christian beliefs. She also became aware of the hatred of the Christian community depending upon which sect they were in.

She opened her eyes to the racism, bigotry, sexism, anti–LBGTQ community of most of the mainstream Christian community. Finally, the pandemic started and she saw how important it was for the majority of Christians to follow their “leader” (the former president) and not put the vulnerable first when it comes to masks and vaccines. She just said no to Christianity. It makes her sick. If people really think about it, half of the dogma is just hatred.

Through psychedelic experiences and the guidance of the Spiritual World, she has come to understand that almost everything religion teaches is not the truth. It is man. She can’t even engage with “Christianese.” She has her own personal beliefs and she is ok with others believing differently than her as long as they are not hurting others and being hateful towards others who are different.

Tonight she is feeling uncomfortable because she found out that one of her favorite tattoo celebrities is now a Christian and she just got baptized. Ironically, the celebrity got a lot of hate from fellow Christians who don’t like that she still wears gothic clothing and is a very gothic person. She is a very good person from what The Trapped Butterfly has seen throughout the years of following her. But it was totally unexpected to see her being baptized and she is attending a small Baptist church.

The Trapped Butterfly wished the celebrity well and told her her story in a comment. She hopes that the celebrity will remain true to herself and not get dragged into the dogma of the church.

It’s a very weird feeling to be unsettled about something that she used to celebrate with tears of joy and shouts of praise to “The Lord.” Now she’s worried about how it will change people for the worse due to the MAGA, etc. cults that are absolutely destroying America and people who are different from them. She has watched too many people come to this cult.

She is a spiritual person who is seeing the cruelty of people who are religious. Just look at Hamas. Just look at how the LBGTQ+ community is being attacked by Christians. Finally, look at how people are not being mindful of the disabled, immunocompromised, and the elderly with Covid.

She has been into witches and learning the true meaning of witchcraft which is not the satan worship that Christians have made it into. She hopes that the Spiritual World will continue to use her in whatever way They can. She is trying to be loving while rejecting the people who continue to oppress people.

She got the following tattoo earlier this month with a tattoo artist that understands about the risks of Covid to her and her husband. It fits with the wars going on right now as well as all the anger and hate going on in the world. Plus, still being trapped by Covid because people refuse to do the simplest things to protect each other makes the tattoo even more poignant.

May love and peace reign no matter what people believe. Just stop and let love run wild.

Red Sun, Smoke…Is This The Right Time?

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She looks out the small holes of the wooden blinds on the windows. The sun shines right at the house in the late spring and summer so they have to close the blinds at a certain time in the evening so it doesn’t blind them. It’s red from the smoke due to the horrible wildfires in Canada. She and her husband have been wanting to go outside but the air quality has been bad for people with asthma to be out for a prolonged period of time. It’s been very difficult for The Trapped Butterfly since they are still not able to live how they used to due to Covid. Smaller and smaller groups seem to be trying to avoid getting it or being reinfected with Covid despite the research showing that it is affecting health in pretty nasty ways.

As she looks at the red sun, she tries to see it as a sign that everything is going to work out with publishing her children’s book…Except the reality is that the thought of publishing it now that it’s finally done is scaring the living shit out of her.

Technically, The Trapped Butterfly is already a published author and has been called horrible names by Christian pro-spankers. She dealt with the trauma of the book not taking off and then finding out that the publisher was bad. They went to jail for embezzling money.

She is living through a terrifying time in her life…Well, it feels like it hasn’t really let up since her beloved mother in law went to Heaven. But this current situation with a virus that seems to be getting less severe and less acutely deadly than it was as well as all the division in the country with the narcissistic right wing cult of hatred, it feels terrifying to release a new book. She is fucking desperate to be able to interact with children in person!! She truly believes that people will come to her book events! But trying to explain her situation with Covid to people is scary because she has been laughed at as well as the typical bullshit the Covid deniers continue to spread when they see anything about Covid. Even her marketing agent was weird, unless she misunderstood, about having people wear masks for interviews and events.

She also had an unexpected wave of grief after speaking to her marketing agent. The sudden grief was about her biological family not being there for the first time in her life to cheer her on…Not that they did it for the right reasons but still…

Then she had a dream about her narcissistic mother that her mother had changed the book with other family members. Yet, The Trapped Butterfly was kind of happy to see her mother. She felt sad when they departed in the dream and she had to decide whether to have her mother back in her life in some way or not.

Of course, knowing how sick her mother truly is, there is very little chance that she will ever be able to have her mother back in her life. Her mother is incapable of truly forgiving. She only looks out for herself.

The Trapped Butterfly just feels more trapped again as well as overwhelmed. She knows that she will push through. The book will be published. And she will find ways to be able to safely do stuff without hurting/killing her husband or herself. But the uncertainty is killing her.

On top of all this, it’s also the worst time of year for her and her husband. They lost their beloved kitty almost 6 years ago so they still struggle with heavy grief and PTSD from the loss. Their sweet calico kitty is about to be 17 years old. The kitties were adopted and brought home together. She is so grateful for the calico continuing to do well with her kidney disease unlike her brother, but The Trapped Butterfly is fighting thoughts about the horrible loss of her someday… May they have a few more years with this sweet little kitty. May the quality of life for her kitty remain high too.

In the end, she has to trust that everything will work out how it is supposed to go. It will be fine…Yet, is this the right time for everything?

Is Anything Good Enough? Is She Good Enough?

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is feeling frustrated, depressed, overwhelmed and like nothing is good enough. No wonder since she has been told she isn’t good enough throughout her life by society and her family. Today’s Mother’s Day and it’s always been rough since her beloved mother-in-law left the Earth almost 8 years ago. She is always with them.

Over four years ago, The Trapped Butterfly found out that her mother was extremely narcissistic. The signs were always there but it took her mother rejecting a visit from them for The Trapped Butterfly to find out that her mother is very sick. It makes sense with all the horrible things that she has said to The Trapped Butterfly and the hidden criticism from her mother. After all, what kind of mother chooses a car over her child? What kind of mother would always keep things over her child’s head? And what kind of mother would tell her daughter that the corvette jacket that was her beloved grandpas’ would “look stupid on her” and refuse to let her have it? Not to mention the fact that she allowed The Trapped Butterfly and her siblings be abused by their father.

Yet, there are times when The Trapped Butterfly wants “her mom.”

On top of Mother’s Day, the children’s book that was so traumatic to get illustrated by supposed “friends” is finally almost finished. Yet, except for a few people, the lackluster response to the book is making her have loops of negative thinking which is something she constantly struggles with. Negative thoughts flying around her mind.

Is the book crap? Was it all for nothing? Was this another royal fuck up? What’s the point with Covid still being a threat to her husband and her which is infuriating!

She is grateful for meditation and to try to replace the thoughts with truth. But she is so fucking sensitive!! Even watching tv, she cries at literally everything that is sad or really happy. She has always been this way. Her husband always tells her that she can’t carry the whole world on her shoulders. Everything hurts her heart. She isn’t perfect and can definitely be a bitch, but she feels so deeply.

She knows that her book is awesome. The illustrator is a professional that is published as the illustrator of other books. So why wouldn’t anyone not love it except for the insane Christian right wing cult that hates anyone who is different from them?

She knows people are trying to help. She needs the help. But can’t it just be about getting endorsements and reviews? She isn’t ready for criticism about the damn book! She wrote the title of the book literally with her nose! Not an easy task to do!

It will all work out, she thinks to herself? Somehow the book will be published and it will be as successful as possible. What that looks like is a mystery.

She will always wonder if anything is good enough. She needs to keep learning the she is good enough no matter what society says.

And she won’t always be trapped.

Dark Clouds, Sunshine, Venus, and More Dark Clouds

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

It’s been a good month for The Trapped Butterfly. The 20th wedding anniversary celebration was awesome! The rain stopped for it and despite the park having the wrong date for the shelter, the group that was using the shelter left without a problem.

Seeing people that they haven’t seen in years was wonderful. Not worrying too bad about Covid was wonderful! Everyone’s eyes were so sparkly. The trees were full of fresh buds springing to life. The temperature was perfect. The only annoying thing was the wind blowing at times.

Looking into his beautiful sparkly brown eyes as I they renewed their “vowels” as The Trapped Butterfly had been calling it was breathtaking. She actually can’t believe that she didn’t cry that much. The ceremony was led by her early childhood professor who is now a lifelong friend and the ceremony was full of laughter and love. Typical for The Trapped Butterfly and her husband as they have a both goofy yet sweet relationship. It came through in the ceremony!

Being around people again renewed her spirit and sense of hope that she will eventually get her life back. She looks forward to celebrating her children’s book that is finally almost finished and ready to be published!

So much trauma with this book. Her so-called friends wanted to help but they fucked them over. This true illustrator has gotten this done in about 8 months. It’s just about done!! Her “friends” didn’t keep working on it consistently and they quit because they were assholes.

While she is so excited about her book finally getting done, she is sad because she can’t do what she’s been hoping to do and go to libraries and schools to read the book. She hopes to have an outside book party with a plexiglass cube around her to avoid Covid exposure while, at least, getting to celebrate the book and see children. It’s heartbreaking that she hasn’t been around children for 3 years now. She misses it so much. Her husband thinks that with a cube around her and having it outside will be safe.

Despite all the beautiful sunshine from having major things finally going right, she feels the dark clouds still coming in as she deals with the fact that, yes, she hung out with people and celebrated her 20th wedding anniversary as well as her book getting done, she still isn’t completely freed yet. They are going to get their second bivalent shot next week, but unlike most people, they still can’t just be normal. They are terrified of Covid and she doesn’t have the ability to take the treatment for it. They are still trapped. But she is trying to hold onto hope that this won’t last too much longer. She has to accept the darkness of the clouds.

Plus, tomorrow is her narcissistic mother’s birthday and she hates it. It’s weird because she didn’t feel sad about her family not even knowing about the vow renewal. She didn’t miss them. She is grateful for the video her friend took of it because they haven’t watched their wedding video in years with so many nasty people that have hurt her deeply, but yet, she wishes she had a mom like she thought she did before everything finally blew up 4 years ago.

Then May 2nd is the 7th anniversary of her dear grandpa leaving the earth. She misses him so much. She can still hear herself screaming, “Grandpa, No! No! Grandpa!” Tears wick at her eyes writing that. He was far from perfect. They fought sometimes but they never let it go beyond that time and always ended on a loving note. He was the only family member that was able to have a healthy relationship with her.

She looks out the top of the window and she has been seeing Venus in the night sky. It gives her comfort as she continues to hope for more of the sunshine (without the heat) moments and faces the dark clouds that are always trying to overcome her.

Who she truly is

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is feeling at a complete loss again. In April, she and her husband are going to be celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary! 20 years of marriage and love have made it through so much shit. From her abusive dad’s disowning to his sudden death almost four months after they got married. The marriage has survived her mental health issues and his issues from being on antidepressants. It’s survived losses that have made them sob. And it has survived the realization that her mother is a narcissist. Being physically disabled as well as all the dysfunction of her family has made their relationship harder than most. Not to mention their age difference has made people feel weird. Their problem!!

Now it’s surviving the ongoing pandemic that everyone is trying desperately to ignore even more, therefore, making life miserable and dangerous for everyone who is high risk and immunocompromised.

The Trapped Butterfly is incredibly proud of her marriage. She never thought she would ever find a man who would love her the way he does. She means wiping someone’s ass several times a day isn’t exactly romantic, but it’s a way that he loves her through doing all the care she requires 24/7. He has said many times that “he gets to care for her.” It’s his choice to do this.

So naturally she wants to do something special for their wedding anniversary. But Covid doesn’t make it a easy. They used to be able to plan stuff and go to concerts and stuff, but not anymore. Without Covid, they would probably find a fun event/concert to go to or take a day trip to explore a city or town. Yeah, they still had to think about how her needs would fit in with the plans and just plan it out, but they were able to go have fun with just the “normal” complications of having a severe disability.

Now they can’t do anything without a major plan to stay safe from Covid. She can’t bear not to be “normal” and celebrate her anniversary. She came up with a vow renewal and a small simple celebration. But trying to find a venue that would be totally private and safe from Covid isn’t easy. Her former professor, now friend, is trying to find a place. They still need a photographer that will wear a mask correctly.

Why can’t this be easy??

Yesterday she was feeling really overwhelmed and was listening to music when the song, “I Don’t Know You Anymore” by Savage Garden came on. That song is about ex lovers, but for her it reminds her of her family and friends that have hurt her to the point of not being able to have them in their life anymore. She misses them so much, which is confusing. Why does she even still love them so much?

The lyrics below are words she wishes some of her family and friends would say to her since she has always been willing to apologize and accept the part she played in the hurt.

"I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day."

But it’s highly doubtful that that will ever happen because it would have already if they were healthy emotionally.

But it hit her in the moment that she absolutely craves healthy, peaceful relationships with people. Her parents didn’t teach her how to handle her emotions. She is a hot head and lashes out. However, this has improved since she started meditating with the Calm app. She is human. She doesn’t have it all figured out yet, and living in ongoing quarantine to avoid getting Covid that’s killing people even if the death isn’t right away has made her struggle with her anger, anxiety, and depression like she never has before.

She now realizes that she has craved peace since she was a child. Yes, she had time when they were enjoying stuff. She loved, for the most part, being at her grandparents’ house when they took care of her in the summer. She loved being with friends and going out. All the normal kid stuff.

Still, at any given moment, her dad could get angry and the yelling would start. If it were one of the kids, sometimes the hitting soon followed. If it was with her mother, the yelling would get louder and louder and sometimes things got thrown. She remembers this from her toddler years. She would cry and scream because she just wanted it to stop. She also was left in her room to cry so she has trouble with self-regulation.

She can feel herself now when she’s upset saying something that she doesn’t really want to say but she can’t always control it. She beats herself up for not being able to stop it. But she’s truly a peaceful person. Not a submissive person. Fuck that! She will always stand up for herself and fight for causes. But she desires peace.

She often wonders who she would be now that it’s been almost four years since she wrote that heartbreaking letter to her narcissistic mother to get her to get help for a year and went no contact. Sadly, her mother proved she was, indeed, narcissistic and did a bunch of horrible shit until they finally blocked her on the phone. Who would she be if Covid never happened and she was able to really work with her therapist to cope with life without her mother and family? She knows that she would always have her anxiety, depression, PTSD, and CPTSD, but would she be happier? Would she be more able to cope with it?

It’s sad that she will never know the answers to these questions. All she can do is try to keep hoping that a true breakthrough for Covid will come in the next few years to let them live their lives again before age catches up with them even more. May she remember that she desires peace. And may they be able to safely celebrate their 20th anniversary in April with a few friends. They definitely deserve it!!!

Precious moments of joy and peace

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Her stomach is full of sushi and she’s nice and high as usual. Pot is wonderful! Tonight they got sushi via DoorDash. Her anxiety was high because of last week when they ordered it, it never came and they cancelled the order.

When it arrived, tears of joy came to the surface of her eyes. The smell was so scrumptious. Fresh, sweet, succulent. And that’s exactly how it tasted. She tried to remember to take time to really savor the flavors. The avocado was so fresh that it melted in their mouths.

She hated for it to end even though she was so full. She enjoyed the beer she had with it. Her husband always feeds her so he made sure she got every single bit of meat! They are aware that animals give their lives for food and they try not to waste anything.

Days like today are precious because they actually go “right.” Despite all the bull shit going on in the world as well as ongoing personal issues stemming from child abuse, being disabled, having diagnosed mental health issues, and being trapped by Covid while the rest of the population is just deciding to ignore it, today they basically shut out the outside world. They stayed away from the news, except for a cute story of a little 6-year-old boy who ordered about $1,000 worth of food off GrubHub, she really limited her social media, enjoyed getting another illustration done and the next one going, and they enjoyed things they liked. To top it all off, they decided to use the gift money from her sister-in-law gave them to cheer them up after they fell to get sushi.

Shutting the world out is becoming more of a thing for her because it is too painful to be on the outside looking out at people doing life that she can’t because of Covid. It’s depressing and maddening because she craves social interaction with people who are cool about her disability. She is a very free spirit who loves to have fun.

So today was a welcome change for her. She is so grateful that they experienced peace today. Tomorrow hopefully she will get to go for a ride which will help her to get to see things even though she will have to see people not caring about others. It’s still awesome to get out of the house and ride around.

The Gate

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is still in pain after the horrific fall that her husband and her took a week and a half ago. Not fun when you have no choice but to sit in a wheelchair for hours in order to live. She is finally getting better as is her husband. But she is still struggling with the anxiety of falling again despite her ability to count the number of times that they have fallen in the past 24 years together on one hand. The story of the fall is for another time when she feels ready to write it. Not tonight.

Tonight she finds herself feeling depressed, sad, angry, exhausted. She is an open book anyway which often gets criticized because others are much more private than she is. Don’t tell her not to post something that is directly related to her. She feels so triggered because before she had to cut ties with her narcissistic mother and other family, her mother would be controlling and criticizing of some of her social media posts. Bull shit! She has a right to post whatever she wants as long as it doesn’t violate someone’s outright privacy. They do what they want.

However, The Trapped Butterfly is currently seeing why it may not always be worth giving details of her life online. Yet, she wants to be supported and encouraged especially when she is going on three fucking years of not being able to just be around people. God damn Covid. God damn the people that won’t do everything to help keep it as low as possible!

People who mean well were giving her ideas from getting an aide to getting a lift to help her husband with her care. She knows that they want to help them, but only one person recognizes that she and her husband have been talking about it and trying to get help but they don’t qualify for the type of help they require. They’ve tried many times. The second she got married almost 20 years ago she lost all her disability benefits. The fucking USA expects the disabled population to live way below the poverty line in order to get the help they need with extremely expensive adaptive equipment and services that will allow them to live independently and comfortably.

And now Covid has made it pretty much impossible for them to even try again because they are so high risk. She had a very telling dream the other night that they were going to a made up mall. When they got into the parking lot, there was a huge cement gate with the name of the university that she had went to and it was closed. The Trapped Butterfly looked at her husband like, “what the fuck?” The door of the gate was metal and dark while the rest of the gate was cement and brick.

Somehow her husband was able to find a way around the wall but when they started walking around the mall, every store was being packed up. She doesn’t remember but she doesn’t think anyone would interact with them.

It was such a weird, short dream but her husband said that it is obvious that she felt trapped and rejected. Basically, unseen.

Bingo! As people have brought up things that have been hard for her her whole life…Getting someone who is willing to do everything for her (feed, lift, take her to the bathroom, physically help with her schoolwork) wasn’t easy even when the damn school district was hiring and paying for them while she was in school. Thankfully, her parents found her a perfect babysitter until the babysitter moved after she finished her first year of high school. Then there were a couple other people that cared for her after school and on days off.

She found one aide after a first try when she graduated high school and the state was paying for them. That aide was with her for a few years before she had to quit. They had to get an agency that could provide aides quickly. The main aide was great. But a sub didn’t understand that she was talking when she talked. The Trapped Butterfly had to get a teacher to explain to the aide that every time she spoke, she wasn’t just “making noises.”

When the state decided that they couldn’t use the agency anymore and had to hire someone independently, they, again, looked through lists of people who wanted to work with in home care for people with disabilities and put an ad in the paper. But The Trapped Butterfly was in community college and her mother had to keep working, so her wonderful husband, then boyfriend/fiancé eventually quit his job and became her aide.

They were lucky that the university helped with aides for certain things that her husband didn’t want to do. Besides, she wanted to prove herself with other people helping her out. Her husband was still her primary caregiver and aide at the university.

After she graduated from the university, they went through the degrading process of trying to get the state to pay for someone to just sit with her for a few hours a couple days a week so her husband could ride his motorcycle but they didn’t qualify so they had to pay for the person who wasn’t always reliable. Thankfully, The Trapped Butterfly’s friend offered to have her over for free just to hang out.

Now the ongoing pandemic has limited her ability to do anything. There’s a fucking closed gate in front of her that unlike her dream, there’s NO WAY TO GET AROUND SAFELY!! Trapped AGAIN…

Dream about her Brother

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She wakes up with the dream still fresh in her mind. It was about her brother, technically her half brother but they never called each other “half,” showing up out of nowhere with a girlfriend and apologized to her for all the hurtful things that he had done to her and her husband. He hugged her and promised her that he would be back soon.

The Trapped Butterfly has three half siblings from their dad’s previous marriage before he married her mother. Some of them were close when she was a little girl but they were older and had been through a lot of horrible trauma from their mother who had given them to Dad. And Dad was abusive. The boys had it so much worse than the girls. She still sees the horrific wooden paddle with holes in it that her dad made for “spanking.” Even though it was never used on her, she was terrified of it. The boys were beaten with it often in the basement because they got into trouble a lot due to the ongoing abuse and trauma. Finally, the oldest brother, the one that the dream was about, was old enough to leave and went to his mom’s house until he got a place and eventually got married only for him to cheat and have a child with another woman. More on this in a minute.

The day he decided to leave, he was supposed to take the 7 or 8 year old Trapped Butterfly fishing. It was going to be the first time she ever went fishing. She loved her oldest brother. He took time to play with her and do things with her and her other siblings. And when he found out that their brother had stolen her money that she was saving for a Cabbage Patch Kids “baby,” he beat him up and got her money back. She was so excited that day and told everyone at school that she was going to go fishing with her brother after school. But when her school bus dropped her off at her babysitter’s house and he wasn’t there, she was confused. Her babysitter said that he was probably just a little late and she got her some juice while she waited. Soon her sister came walking down the street to pick her up. The Trapped Butterfly asked where Jay was and her sister said that they would talk about it when they got home. It was a confusing, sad walk home as her sister pushed her in her wheelchair a few blocks from the babysitter to their house.

The Trapped Butterfly’s mother was home and she can’t remember if her dad was home too. But Jay had packed up his stuff in a big garbage bag and left a note saying he was moving to his mother’s house because he had had enough. Later she would find out that he had been planning this for a while. He was gone and stayed away for a while before he started visiting. Then when The Trapped Butterfly became an adult they entered into an adult sibling relationship.

She was heartbroken the day he left day. She sat in her special table that was supportive enough for her to sit there alone and look out the window. From that point on it wasn’t long before her other older brother and sister also took refuge at their mother’s house.

All her siblings are fucked up from the horrible childhood that they had. Some will never admit it and others are addicts. But Jay and Lynn tried to make time for her and have a relationship with her. Unfortunately, the fucked up part kept getting in the way of a healthy relationship.

She knew that everyone struggled with alcohol and drugs and she was worried that Jay was an alcoholic too. Unfortunately, she was right but she and her husband continued to support and help him. Sadly, he took a lot from them. But she felt like he was the only one who “got” it about Dad. Plus, she loved being an aunt to her niece. Yes, cheating was wrong, but seeing her brother be so good with his daughter made her hope that the cycle of abuse would stop with him.

Tragically, the alcoholism got worse and worse. They actually bailed him out of jail a few times. Then the mom took his daughter and he didn’t fight for her. Slowly everything unraveled and they lost touch for years and then reconnected on Facebook. Nothing was the same anymore. She has no idea where he is now or where her niece is. She is so afraid to reach out to him because of everything that has happened with her narcissistic mother and has blocked out most of her family. It’s not safe. She doesn’t know what bull shit is being said about her. Would he be like her sister and take her abusers’ side?

It’s ironic that her mother witnessed the abuse, and yet, they don’t blame her for not doing anything about it. Hell, it’s only been in the past few years of therapy, after the shit really hit the fan with her mother that she realized that she was a part of the abuse. Just because she rescued The Trapped Butterfly when she heard her crying with her dad as a child doesn’t mean her mother was not a part of the abuse. In fact, she let The Trapped Butterfly go to her dad’s house every other weekend and for a week during vacations after her parents got divorced. She knew she was hit and verbally and emotionally abused by him. She saw signs that sometimes The Trapped Butterfly didn’t want to go to her dad’s house, yet, she didn’t do anything about it because she needed a “break.” Her mother sure had everyone fooled.

So Jay is out there (hopefully) somewhere and so is her niece, but she doesn’t feel safe trying to find him. And why hasn’t he reached out to them to apologize for everything? She hopes that the dream wasn’t his spirit reaching out to her because he is not on the Earth anymore. Only time will tell. But she cried that morning when she told her husband about it and wondered why she was crying. Obviously, she misses connection with people. Covid, narcissism, abuse, and natural death have taken way too much from her. Will she ever get any of it back?