It’s already Christmas time and she has been struggling with grief, physical pain, anxiety, and depression. She keeps getting the ache in her chest and stomach as if her heart was ripped out and she has been split in two. She has been having trouble with her emotional responses lately. It scares her.
Recently a few people have gotten Covid and have not been doing everything in their power to protect themselves from it. She has very little empathy for them. Really, she feels angry at them for being so stupid and selfish by not doing everything they can to help prevent it. Of course, she wants them to be ok. But her darker side is almost wanting something bad to happen to really wake them up to the fact that this virus is still deadlier than the flu. She knows this really isn’t who she is or who she wants to become, but being unable to free herself without fear of getting really sick or getting her husband really sick has made her just over it.
She actually misses the days of the start of the pandemic when many people were doing the right things. There were always assholes, but the majority of the people who were smart and on the side of Science did everything they could to help protect themselves and others. Now it’s even lonelier. The majority has decided that the pandemic is over and that Covid is not something to worry about.
Not even a year ago thousands of people were dying from Covid. Now deaths are lower but still higher than the flu. She just doesn’t understand. And yet, she’s supposed to be all empathetic when people who are not doing enough to protect themselves and others get sick? It’s confusing. She wants to be free, but she’s afraid of the virus because they are so high risk.
Her wings are desperate to open more. Yet, the other day while waiting for curbside services, she was watching all the people in the parking lot and she felt so grossed out. The thought of even trying to get out of the vehicle gave her physical tingles down her spine. She thought that if she was to try to get out of the vehicle, she would have a panic attack.
She feels like she’s losing her mind. She has a tattoo appointment in a week, and yet, she’s not able to be excited about it. She has to make sure that they don’t come in contact with unmasked people. She had to research the hell out of them before she even contacted them to see if they would work with her unique body and then keep them safe from viruses. Nothing is simple anymore. NOTHING!! Being severely physically disabled is always complicated. And the older she gets, the more complicated it becomes. But now she can’t DO ANYTHING WITHOUT INTENSE PLANNING!!! And with the country acting like it is over, it’s even more dangerous and complicated!
So why should she have a lot of empathy when people are sick if they don’t even try anymore? She’s literally lost so much ability than she already was limited by her disability. Hell, she can’t even take a shit without a very special, supportive chair for the butterfly to sit in. Hers is falling apart and hurting her hip but it isn’t readily available. Hopefully the guy she was hooked up with will find her one. But she can’t go to the wheelchair place to see if they can make one for her unless it’s private and they wear masks.
It hurts to be ignored even more by society. It hurts that people are just doing whatever they want and not being careful. What about us?
Yet, there are times when the spirit world hears her. Yesterday was one of those times. As her husband smoked his cigar, The Trapped Butterfly “went antiquing” online. Oh how she used to love antiquing. The smell of old things made her take deep breaths to drink in the scent of days gone by. She loves antique cats and Santas. The smell of her husband’s cigar made it smell antique like.
After looking at some cool antique Santas, she decided to look for a couple of Santas that her grandparents had in her childhood. Anyone who has been following her journey since Grandpa went to Heaven knows that she quickly learned that her grandma isn’t who she grew up with, and that her narcissistic mother started really showing her true self even more after her grandpa left for the ether.
She realizes he was her mediator for the stuff she was was either unaware of and/or didn’t want to see. So knowing that she will never get anything else from them when Grandma finally goes, she decided to find one of the 2 Santas that she remember from childhood. One she was afraid of because it would dance when you squeeze the belly. The other one was dancing on a stand. She asked her grandpa to help her find one. Her husband asked the spirits to help her as he sent cigar smoke to the heavens.
She couldn’t find the exact one but she showed her husband the picture of the one they have and the set she found on eBay. He immediately said yes because she was over analyzing it and wanted to make sure that it was close enough. Her husband immediately recognized it was very close to the one that her grandparents had and she ordered it. Plus, Mrs. Claus is included. Tears of joy ran down her face because Grandpa was helping her again. Thank you, Grandpa! I love you so much! Big hug! She got hers!
The Trapped Butterfly 