The past two nights The Trapped Butterfly has been dreaming about her once chosen family. Check out Fuck you, Roo!! for a little context into something that was seemingly so beautiful and cosmic into something so dark, hateful, and ruthless. Obviously, The Trapped Butterfly is still struggling with the whole thing because she still loves them. She wishes she could fix it and get it back for her and her husband.
She wishes she didn’t still miss them as well as her narcissistic mother and her whole biological family because they have all hurt her so deeply that she should have nothing but hate for them. Believe her, she has had plenty of times when she has hated them as the hurt, anger, and rage shake throughout her body making her want to lash out. But she knows better and that isn’t who she is.
The Trapped Butterfly has been having a lot of thoughts since the fall and can’t believe how isolated they are. Yes, they still have a lot of friends and professors who care about them and have helped them. But they have lost their main support system due to Covid, selfishness, and finally, crushing malicious narcissism. Yes, in some relationships she has had a part in this, but it was not always her fault despite what they said. Yet, she is so used to being blamed for everything that she has blamed herself at times. Yet, she apologized to those who she had offended but they didn’t accept her apology.
So both of her dreams the past two nights have been about working it out with Roo and Mr. Yellow. It was a long dream but they were at their house. Other people were around. Roo even talked about where to put something her mother gave her.
Finally, The Trapped Butterfly was able to get one on one with Roo. She tearfully explained to Roo how sorry she was for hurting them. She honestly never ever meant to. Eventually Roo softened her stance and forgave her. They were able to come to terms with everything.
Mr. Yellow was very reluctant to speak to The Trapped Butterfly. She would look at him and he would turn away from her. After several pleas to talk to Mr. Yellow, Roo got him to come talk to her.
Again, The Trapped Butterfly tearfully explains that she never meant to hurt him and she was so sorry. Mr. Yellow got teary eyed and hugged her. She ended up getting them back and they all just moved on.
She hated it when she woke up in the morning. It was one of those dreams that continued despite her brief awakenings throughout the night. It made her feel sad and depressed.
The very next night she had another long dream about them. This time they were taking care of her while her husband had to go do something. With her severe cerebral palsy, she truly can’t be left alone at all and sometimes this crosses over into her dreams.
In this dream, Mr. Yellow was carrying her around the house and Roo did some dressing and she sat with her on the couch so that The Trapped Butterfly wouldn’t fall over. It was normal except for some weird people popping in and out. But they were high and goofing around like they used to do.
When her husband arrived back at their house, The Trapped Butterfly told him how great they were with her and how much fun they had. Her husband was so relieved.
Waking up from this dream after the one the night before had her very sad and wanting so badly to be able to get back what they’ve lost. But Roo is mentally ill and narcissistic like The Trapped Butterfly’s mother and other family members. It hurts so much. Her husband came clean about seeing a little more of how Roo was throwing a certain project that they were doing in her face later in the day.
The Trapped Butterfly can only hope that the future will hold friends that are healthy. She can only hope that the lizard leg will be finished soon enough since they had to cancel the appointment due to the fall they took the 2.5 weeks ago.
She will not let any more narcissists take advantage of her again if she can help it.
She will continue to grieve for her old life. And tomorrow is 16 years since her first kitty crossed the rainbow bridge. She will always remember people but she will never let them hurt her and her husband again.
The Trapped Butterfly 