She wakes up with the dream still fresh in her mind. It was about her brother, technically her half brother but they never called each other “half,” showing up out of nowhere with a girlfriend and apologized to her for all the hurtful things that he had done to her and her husband. He hugged her and promised her that he would be back soon.
The Trapped Butterfly has three half siblings from their dad’s previous marriage before he married her mother. Some of them were close when she was a little girl but they were older and had been through a lot of horrible trauma from their mother who had given them to Dad. And Dad was abusive. The boys had it so much worse than the girls. She still sees the horrific wooden paddle with holes in it that her dad made for “spanking.” Even though it was never used on her, she was terrified of it. The boys were beaten with it often in the basement because they got into trouble a lot due to the ongoing abuse and trauma. Finally, the oldest brother, the one that the dream was about, was old enough to leave and went to his mom’s house until he got a place and eventually got married only for him to cheat and have a child with another woman. More on this in a minute.
The day he decided to leave, he was supposed to take the 7 or 8 year old Trapped Butterfly fishing. It was going to be the first time she ever went fishing. She loved her oldest brother. He took time to play with her and do things with her and her other siblings. And when he found out that their brother had stolen her money that she was saving for a Cabbage Patch Kids “baby,” he beat him up and got her money back. She was so excited that day and told everyone at school that she was going to go fishing with her brother after school. But when her school bus dropped her off at her babysitter’s house and he wasn’t there, she was confused. Her babysitter said that he was probably just a little late and she got her some juice while she waited. Soon her sister came walking down the street to pick her up. The Trapped Butterfly asked where Jay was and her sister said that they would talk about it when they got home. It was a confusing, sad walk home as her sister pushed her in her wheelchair a few blocks from the babysitter to their house.
The Trapped Butterfly’s mother was home and she can’t remember if her dad was home too. But Jay had packed up his stuff in a big garbage bag and left a note saying he was moving to his mother’s house because he had had enough. Later she would find out that he had been planning this for a while. He was gone and stayed away for a while before he started visiting. Then when The Trapped Butterfly became an adult they entered into an adult sibling relationship.
She was heartbroken the day he left day. She sat in her special table that was supportive enough for her to sit there alone and look out the window. From that point on it wasn’t long before her other older brother and sister also took refuge at their mother’s house.
All her siblings are fucked up from the horrible childhood that they had. Some will never admit it and others are addicts. But Jay and Lynn tried to make time for her and have a relationship with her. Unfortunately, the fucked up part kept getting in the way of a healthy relationship.
She knew that everyone struggled with alcohol and drugs and she was worried that Jay was an alcoholic too. Unfortunately, she was right but she and her husband continued to support and help him. Sadly, he took a lot from them. But she felt like he was the only one who “got” it about Dad. Plus, she loved being an aunt to her niece. Yes, cheating was wrong, but seeing her brother be so good with his daughter made her hope that the cycle of abuse would stop with him.
Tragically, the alcoholism got worse and worse. They actually bailed him out of jail a few times. Then the mom took his daughter and he didn’t fight for her. Slowly everything unraveled and they lost touch for years and then reconnected on Facebook. Nothing was the same anymore. She has no idea where he is now or where her niece is. She is so afraid to reach out to him because of everything that has happened with her narcissistic mother and has blocked out most of her family. It’s not safe. She doesn’t know what bull shit is being said about her. Would he be like her sister and take her abusers’ side?
It’s ironic that her mother witnessed the abuse, and yet, they don’t blame her for not doing anything about it. Hell, it’s only been in the past few years of therapy, after the shit really hit the fan with her mother that she realized that she was a part of the abuse. Just because she rescued The Trapped Butterfly when she heard her crying with her dad as a child doesn’t mean her mother was not a part of the abuse. In fact, she let The Trapped Butterfly go to her dad’s house every other weekend and for a week during vacations after her parents got divorced. She knew she was hit and verbally and emotionally abused by him. She saw signs that sometimes The Trapped Butterfly didn’t want to go to her dad’s house, yet, she didn’t do anything about it because she needed a “break.” Her mother sure had everyone fooled.
So Jay is out there (hopefully) somewhere and so is her niece, but she doesn’t feel safe trying to find him. And why hasn’t he reached out to them to apologize for everything? She hopes that the dream wasn’t his spirit reaching out to her because he is not on the Earth anymore. Only time will tell. But she cried that morning when she told her husband about it and wondered why she was crying. Obviously, she misses connection with people. Covid, narcissism, abuse, and natural death have taken way too much from her. Will she ever get any of it back?
The Trapped Butterfly 