Tag: love

Venus, Stars, and Peace

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly had a great Halloween with her witch costume. Her hat lights up in purple. She actually got to update her Halloween knee with a purple witch, bat, purple Grateful Dead dancing skeleton, a UFO, and a vampire tattoo. She didn’t want to leave the coziness of the artist’s studio in the shop so she had him add more pink and purple sky background. He went crazy and it made everything pop even more.

She was on the usual high after a tattoo session. She couldn’t believe that she was able to get three projects done this year before having to take a break during the respiratory season since everyone is being so stupid with not taking Covid seriously anymore. Thankfully, she has two appointments with him this spring already. Even though, like the majority of people, he doesn’t mask up anymore, he definitely keeps up with the shots and wears a N95 mask with them to keep them safe. She is very grateful to have an artist who will make getting ink as safe as possible.

Unfortunately, the high didn’t last very long due to family members getting Covid again and the ongoing war against Hamas. People are just becoming so stupid. They don’t understand that they are supporting a terrorist organization that Israel must defeat. The Trapped Butterfly has tried to explain about Hamas to people who are seeing the destruction in Gaza and the innocent civilians being killed that don’t want to understand about Hamas using civilians as human shields. Of course, she gets blocked by friends for this. She also gets nowhere with trying to have a conversation with people. She is terrified at the world she lives in.

She woke up crabby this morning and decided she needed an outside day. The leaves crunched under them. She had fun looking at the different colors on the ground and what is left on the trees. Cute little squirrels ran around high in the trees. She worried about them falling being up so high but they knew what they were doing.

As the sun set, the trees with red and golden leaves were absolutely glowing in the sun. Everything just kept getting more and more beautiful. The silhouette of the dark trees against the orange and yellow sky was breathtaking. She eagerly started looking for stars.

Finally a planet and then another planet and then Venus! She was delighted to see what they believed were Mars, Jupiter, and Venus. Venus seems to be becoming her new friend and constant as she has seen her in every season. Even just looking out the windows at night in the summer when they no longer seem to be out at night due to their limited activities in order to protect themselves from getting Covid.

Tears filled The Trapped Butterfly’s eyes as she watched it get darker and darker with more stars filling the night sky. She prays to the Spirit World and aliens to please come help this horrible world. She wishes for peace and healing. She soaks up every second of the quiet, starlight evening before having to go back in the house to eat and do the nightly routine.

She is looking forward to having a fire soon and watching the night come. Little do humans know just how small and insignificant they are in the grand scheme of things.

Supernatural Beings and Peace

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She was sobbing. Hot tears streamed down her face and she had an unexpected, intense urge to go outside. Usually she wouldn’t even ask to go outside on the whim like that, but she just needed to get out and pray/send positive vibes up to the universe without the confines of the house.

The second her husband pushed her outside, her whole body relaxed despite the intense, unexplainable feelings that were surging through her. She cried and took some deep breaths as she looked at the beautiful orange and yellow sky with the sunset. She whispered softly at the almost night sky hoping that They would hear her. Both the aliens and the Spirits.

The movie that they had just watched was called, “Arrival,” which included alien beings coming to Earth to help mankind achieve the alien’s goal of world peace. Oh how she wishes that the world leaders would get high on marijuana and watch the movie.

There was also the concept of some being able to see their own future and how choosing to still do something that would be heartbreaking but so meaningful got to her. She often wonders nowadays if she would have made the same choices that she has made up to now despite the joys and the devastating pain that she has endured. There was one thing that she used to regret about her ex-chosen family…She had said she wished she had never met them. But now, despite some lingering pain that remains, she realizes that it is a part of her journey and she wouldn’t be the person she is now.

So many thoughts going through her mind right now but it’s all cosmic. She had been wanting to see the moon for a while now and while they were outside, she happened to turn her head to the side and looked up and there was the moon.

May You come and somehow bring peace and love and healing to this world. Please…….

Losing my religion

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She has been struggling with her faith for years now. She still believes in Jesus but that is about it when it comes to Christianity and Church doctrine. She prays regularly but it’s more about sending positive vibes out to the world as well as asking the Spiritual World to help in whatever way They can.

She was a devout Christian since she was 15. It gave her a community and a sense of belonging to something bigger. To be honest, she had always believed in Jesus and Heaven. Maybe her near death experience when she didn’t breathe for 40 minutes at birth is the reason why she found believing in Heaven and Jesus so easy for her. Or maybe she was just so desperate for unconditional love that she was easily sucked into the world of Christianity.

Over the years she continued to be faithful to the nondenominational church. Her husband became “saved” the first year of their relationship.

Unfortunately, they were blinded by what they truly believed was “Biblical.” The only thing that they knew was wrong with some Christians was the belief that they had to spank/hit their children from an early age in order to “discipline” them. But her abuse as well as watching young children grow up, she knew it wasn’t right for God to want young children to be hurt by their parents. She studied early childhood education in college and grad school. There is no doubt that spanking/hitting children is really not what the Christian God wants.

She spent years researching the Bible and the history behind the few verses that Christians use to defend their beliefs in spanking. She naively believed that if she could combine both the research of the Bible with the research of child development, she could change minds. Thus, writing a 500 page book on gentle parenting.

She did reach some who were open to gentle parenting but she got so much hate from Christians. Being called a heretic and satan. It was at this point that she started realizing that this whole Christianity thing might not be what she thought it was.

Then the series of traumatic events happened in the span of 8 years also chipped away at her Christian beliefs. She also became aware of the hatred of the Christian community depending upon which sect they were in.

She opened her eyes to the racism, bigotry, sexism, anti–LBGTQ community of most of the mainstream Christian community. Finally, the pandemic started and she saw how important it was for the majority of Christians to follow their “leader” (the former president) and not put the vulnerable first when it comes to masks and vaccines. She just said no to Christianity. It makes her sick. If people really think about it, half of the dogma is just hatred.

Through psychedelic experiences and the guidance of the Spiritual World, she has come to understand that almost everything religion teaches is not the truth. It is man. She can’t even engage with “Christianese.” She has her own personal beliefs and she is ok with others believing differently than her as long as they are not hurting others and being hateful towards others who are different.

Tonight she is feeling uncomfortable because she found out that one of her favorite tattoo celebrities is now a Christian and she just got baptized. Ironically, the celebrity got a lot of hate from fellow Christians who don’t like that she still wears gothic clothing and is a very gothic person. She is a very good person from what The Trapped Butterfly has seen throughout the years of following her. But it was totally unexpected to see her being baptized and she is attending a small Baptist church.

The Trapped Butterfly wished the celebrity well and told her her story in a comment. She hopes that the celebrity will remain true to herself and not get dragged into the dogma of the church.

It’s a very weird feeling to be unsettled about something that she used to celebrate with tears of joy and shouts of praise to “The Lord.” Now she’s worried about how it will change people for the worse due to the MAGA, etc. cults that are absolutely destroying America and people who are different from them. She has watched too many people come to this cult.

She is a spiritual person who is seeing the cruelty of people who are religious. Just look at Hamas. Just look at how the LBGTQ+ community is being attacked by Christians. Finally, look at how people are not being mindful of the disabled, immunocompromised, and the elderly with Covid.

She has been into witches and learning the true meaning of witchcraft which is not the satan worship that Christians have made it into. She hopes that the Spiritual World will continue to use her in whatever way They can. She is trying to be loving while rejecting the people who continue to oppress people.

She got the following tattoo earlier this month with a tattoo artist that understands about the risks of Covid to her and her husband. It fits with the wars going on right now as well as all the anger and hate going on in the world. Plus, still being trapped by Covid because people refuse to do the simplest things to protect each other makes the tattoo even more poignant.

May love and peace reign no matter what people believe. Just stop and let love run wild.

Dark Clouds, Sunshine, Venus, and More Dark Clouds

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

It’s been a good month for The Trapped Butterfly. The 20th wedding anniversary celebration was awesome! The rain stopped for it and despite the park having the wrong date for the shelter, the group that was using the shelter left without a problem.

Seeing people that they haven’t seen in years was wonderful. Not worrying too bad about Covid was wonderful! Everyone’s eyes were so sparkly. The trees were full of fresh buds springing to life. The temperature was perfect. The only annoying thing was the wind blowing at times.

Looking into his beautiful sparkly brown eyes as I they renewed their “vowels” as The Trapped Butterfly had been calling it was breathtaking. She actually can’t believe that she didn’t cry that much. The ceremony was led by her early childhood professor who is now a lifelong friend and the ceremony was full of laughter and love. Typical for The Trapped Butterfly and her husband as they have a both goofy yet sweet relationship. It came through in the ceremony!

Being around people again renewed her spirit and sense of hope that she will eventually get her life back. She looks forward to celebrating her children’s book that is finally almost finished and ready to be published!

So much trauma with this book. Her so-called friends wanted to help but they fucked them over. This true illustrator has gotten this done in about 8 months. It’s just about done!! Her “friends” didn’t keep working on it consistently and they quit because they were assholes.

While she is so excited about her book finally getting done, she is sad because she can’t do what she’s been hoping to do and go to libraries and schools to read the book. She hopes to have an outside book party with a plexiglass cube around her to avoid Covid exposure while, at least, getting to celebrate the book and see children. It’s heartbreaking that she hasn’t been around children for 3 years now. She misses it so much. Her husband thinks that with a cube around her and having it outside will be safe.

Despite all the beautiful sunshine from having major things finally going right, she feels the dark clouds still coming in as she deals with the fact that, yes, she hung out with people and celebrated her 20th wedding anniversary as well as her book getting done, she still isn’t completely freed yet. They are going to get their second bivalent shot next week, but unlike most people, they still can’t just be normal. They are terrified of Covid and she doesn’t have the ability to take the treatment for it. They are still trapped. But she is trying to hold onto hope that this won’t last too much longer. She has to accept the darkness of the clouds.

Plus, tomorrow is her narcissistic mother’s birthday and she hates it. It’s weird because she didn’t feel sad about her family not even knowing about the vow renewal. She didn’t miss them. She is grateful for the video her friend took of it because they haven’t watched their wedding video in years with so many nasty people that have hurt her deeply, but yet, she wishes she had a mom like she thought she did before everything finally blew up 4 years ago.

Then May 2nd is the 7th anniversary of her dear grandpa leaving the earth. She misses him so much. She can still hear herself screaming, “Grandpa, No! No! Grandpa!” Tears wick at her eyes writing that. He was far from perfect. They fought sometimes but they never let it go beyond that time and always ended on a loving note. He was the only family member that was able to have a healthy relationship with her.

She looks out the top of the window and she has been seeing Venus in the night sky. It gives her comfort as she continues to hope for more of the sunshine (without the heat) moments and faces the dark clouds that are always trying to overcome her.

Who she truly is

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is feeling at a complete loss again. In April, she and her husband are going to be celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary! 20 years of marriage and love have made it through so much shit. From her abusive dad’s disowning to his sudden death almost four months after they got married. The marriage has survived her mental health issues and his issues from being on antidepressants. It’s survived losses that have made them sob. And it has survived the realization that her mother is a narcissist. Being physically disabled as well as all the dysfunction of her family has made their relationship harder than most. Not to mention their age difference has made people feel weird. Their problem!!

Now it’s surviving the ongoing pandemic that everyone is trying desperately to ignore even more, therefore, making life miserable and dangerous for everyone who is high risk and immunocompromised.

The Trapped Butterfly is incredibly proud of her marriage. She never thought she would ever find a man who would love her the way he does. She means wiping someone’s ass several times a day isn’t exactly romantic, but it’s a way that he loves her through doing all the care she requires 24/7. He has said many times that “he gets to care for her.” It’s his choice to do this.

So naturally she wants to do something special for their wedding anniversary. But Covid doesn’t make it a easy. They used to be able to plan stuff and go to concerts and stuff, but not anymore. Without Covid, they would probably find a fun event/concert to go to or take a day trip to explore a city or town. Yeah, they still had to think about how her needs would fit in with the plans and just plan it out, but they were able to go have fun with just the “normal” complications of having a severe disability.

Now they can’t do anything without a major plan to stay safe from Covid. She can’t bear not to be “normal” and celebrate her anniversary. She came up with a vow renewal and a small simple celebration. But trying to find a venue that would be totally private and safe from Covid isn’t easy. Her former professor, now friend, is trying to find a place. They still need a photographer that will wear a mask correctly.

Why can’t this be easy??

Yesterday she was feeling really overwhelmed and was listening to music when the song, “I Don’t Know You Anymore” by Savage Garden came on. That song is about ex lovers, but for her it reminds her of her family and friends that have hurt her to the point of not being able to have them in their life anymore. She misses them so much, which is confusing. Why does she even still love them so much?

The lyrics below are words she wishes some of her family and friends would say to her since she has always been willing to apologize and accept the part she played in the hurt.

"I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day."

But it’s highly doubtful that that will ever happen because it would have already if they were healthy emotionally.

But it hit her in the moment that she absolutely craves healthy, peaceful relationships with people. Her parents didn’t teach her how to handle her emotions. She is a hot head and lashes out. However, this has improved since she started meditating with the Calm app. She is human. She doesn’t have it all figured out yet, and living in ongoing quarantine to avoid getting Covid that’s killing people even if the death isn’t right away has made her struggle with her anger, anxiety, and depression like she never has before.

She now realizes that she has craved peace since she was a child. Yes, she had time when they were enjoying stuff. She loved, for the most part, being at her grandparents’ house when they took care of her in the summer. She loved being with friends and going out. All the normal kid stuff.

Still, at any given moment, her dad could get angry and the yelling would start. If it were one of the kids, sometimes the hitting soon followed. If it was with her mother, the yelling would get louder and louder and sometimes things got thrown. She remembers this from her toddler years. She would cry and scream because she just wanted it to stop. She also was left in her room to cry so she has trouble with self-regulation.

She can feel herself now when she’s upset saying something that she doesn’t really want to say but she can’t always control it. She beats herself up for not being able to stop it. But she’s truly a peaceful person. Not a submissive person. Fuck that! She will always stand up for herself and fight for causes. But she desires peace.

She often wonders who she would be now that it’s been almost four years since she wrote that heartbreaking letter to her narcissistic mother to get her to get help for a year and went no contact. Sadly, her mother proved she was, indeed, narcissistic and did a bunch of horrible shit until they finally blocked her on the phone. Who would she be if Covid never happened and she was able to really work with her therapist to cope with life without her mother and family? She knows that she would always have her anxiety, depression, PTSD, and CPTSD, but would she be happier? Would she be more able to cope with it?

It’s sad that she will never know the answers to these questions. All she can do is try to keep hoping that a true breakthrough for Covid will come in the next few years to let them live their lives again before age catches up with them even more. May she remember that she desires peace. And may they be able to safely celebrate their 20th anniversary in April with a few friends. They definitely deserve it!!!

Precious moments of joy and peace

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Her stomach is full of sushi and she’s nice and high as usual. Pot is wonderful! Tonight they got sushi via DoorDash. Her anxiety was high because of last week when they ordered it, it never came and they cancelled the order.

When it arrived, tears of joy came to the surface of her eyes. The smell was so scrumptious. Fresh, sweet, succulent. And that’s exactly how it tasted. She tried to remember to take time to really savor the flavors. The avocado was so fresh that it melted in their mouths.

She hated for it to end even though she was so full. She enjoyed the beer she had with it. Her husband always feeds her so he made sure she got every single bit of meat! They are aware that animals give their lives for food and they try not to waste anything.

Days like today are precious because they actually go “right.” Despite all the bull shit going on in the world as well as ongoing personal issues stemming from child abuse, being disabled, having diagnosed mental health issues, and being trapped by Covid while the rest of the population is just deciding to ignore it, today they basically shut out the outside world. They stayed away from the news, except for a cute story of a little 6-year-old boy who ordered about $1,000 worth of food off GrubHub, she really limited her social media, enjoyed getting another illustration done and the next one going, and they enjoyed things they liked. To top it all off, they decided to use the gift money from her sister-in-law gave them to cheer them up after they fell to get sushi.

Shutting the world out is becoming more of a thing for her because it is too painful to be on the outside looking out at people doing life that she can’t because of Covid. It’s depressing and maddening because she craves social interaction with people who are cool about her disability. She is a very free spirit who loves to have fun.

So today was a welcome change for her. She is so grateful that they experienced peace today. Tomorrow hopefully she will get to go for a ride which will help her to get to see things even though she will have to see people not caring about others. It’s still awesome to get out of the house and ride around.

Dreams about them

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The past two nights The Trapped Butterfly has been dreaming about her once chosen family. Check out Fuck you, Roo!! for a little context into something that was seemingly so beautiful and cosmic into something so dark, hateful, and ruthless. Obviously, The Trapped Butterfly is still struggling with the whole thing because she still loves them. She wishes she could fix it and get it back for her and her husband.

She wishes she didn’t still miss them as well as her narcissistic mother and her whole biological family because they have all hurt her so deeply that she should have nothing but hate for them. Believe her, she has had plenty of times when she has hated them as the hurt, anger, and rage shake throughout her body making her want to lash out. But she knows better and that isn’t who she is.

The Trapped Butterfly has been having a lot of thoughts since the fall and can’t believe how isolated they are. Yes, they still have a lot of friends and professors who care about them and have helped them. But they have lost their main support system due to Covid, selfishness, and finally, crushing malicious narcissism. Yes, in some relationships she has had a part in this, but it was not always her fault despite what they said. Yet, she is so used to being blamed for everything that she has blamed herself at times. Yet, she apologized to those who she had offended but they didn’t accept her apology.

So both of her dreams the past two nights have been about working it out with Roo and Mr. Yellow. It was a long dream but they were at their house. Other people were around. Roo even talked about where to put something her mother gave her.

Finally, The Trapped Butterfly was able to get one on one with Roo. She tearfully explained to Roo how sorry she was for hurting them. She honestly never ever meant to. Eventually Roo softened her stance and forgave her. They were able to come to terms with everything.

Mr. Yellow was very reluctant to speak to The Trapped Butterfly. She would look at him and he would turn away from her. After several pleas to talk to Mr. Yellow, Roo got him to come talk to her.

Again, The Trapped Butterfly tearfully explains that she never meant to hurt him and she was so sorry. Mr. Yellow got teary eyed and hugged her. She ended up getting them back and they all just moved on.

She hated it when she woke up in the morning. It was one of those dreams that continued despite her brief awakenings throughout the night. It made her feel sad and depressed.

The very next night she had another long dream about them. This time they were taking care of her while her husband had to go do something. With her severe cerebral palsy, she truly can’t be left alone at all and sometimes this crosses over into her dreams.

In this dream, Mr. Yellow was carrying her around the house and Roo did some dressing and she sat with her on the couch so that The Trapped Butterfly wouldn’t fall over. It was normal except for some weird people popping in and out. But they were high and goofing around like they used to do.

When her husband arrived back at their house, The Trapped Butterfly told him how great they were with her and how much fun they had. Her husband was so relieved.

Waking up from this dream after the one the night before had her very sad and wanting so badly to be able to get back what they’ve lost. But Roo is mentally ill and narcissistic like The Trapped Butterfly’s mother and other family members. It hurts so much. Her husband came clean about seeing a little more of how Roo was throwing a certain project that they were doing in her face later in the day.

The Trapped Butterfly can only hope that the future will hold friends that are healthy. She can only hope that the lizard leg will be finished soon enough since they had to cancel the appointment due to the fall they took the 2.5 weeks ago.

She will not let any more narcissists take advantage of her again if she can help it.

She will continue to grieve for her old life. And tomorrow is 16 years since her first kitty crossed the rainbow bridge. She will always remember people but she will never let them hurt her and her husband again.

Dream about Dad

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Abuse is discussed in this story. Reader discretion advised!

She woke up confused and sad yet happy. She had just had her first happy dream about her dad. Usually the dreams are full of fear, wanting to get away from him, or of his outright abuse. She was always uncomfortable with her dad in her dreams.

You see, her dad didn’t break the abusive cycle that spread throughout his family. Instead, like many who have been abused and deny it, he abused all of his children. She can’t control her muscles and she spasms which makes caring for her hard at times. Unfortunately, this usually got her hit, yelled at, and/or physically handled very roughly. It was always scary and painful, making her cry every time. She still gets triggered if someone is rough with her.

She did feel safe with him occasionally, and she knew he would protect her from things. She loved her daddy, and yet, she didn’t want to be left alone with him for too long just in case something went wrong.

Finally, once she grew up and started dating her husband who was a good friend of her dad’s, he disowned her and then a few years later he suddenly passed away. When he joined the spiritual world, she was so angry with him. She doesn’t remember feeling much sadness. It was there. But the anger and then the horrible anxiety were the main things she experienced directly after his death, which was also almost four months after she got married. No, he didn’t walk her down the aisle or even come to the wedding. He had to saved face. But had he come, she would have cried and hugged him. She was willing to forgive him and have a relationship with him but he refused. Narcissism prevented him from ever truly admitting he was wrong and fix relationships.

Yet, on this morning she felt that grief ache for him and couldn’t believe that she had a good dream about him.

The dream was weird. She has hospital dreams ever since her first actual medically necessary hospitalization and a couple of surgeries since. So this dream she was that she was going in the hospital for some surgery. She was anxious and some of the nurses were wearing masks and others weren’t so she felt anxious about that. They were doing the usual stuff to prep her. They tried giving her a Covid test but she freaked out and couldn’t do it. She kept saying that her dad was coming. She kept asking her husband if he was there.

Finally, he came and she immediately started to sob as they pushed her to him. She hugged him so tight. He was so calm. Then she woke up.

She wondered if it meant anything. She thinks he came to her to comfort her in the way he wasn’t able to. She had had plenty of experiences with him in the spirit world telling her that he was okay and that he loved her. One time the smell of cigarette smoke filled their apartment and there wasn’t anyone anywhere smoking cigarettes. He was a very heavy smoker which contributed to her adult onset and asthma. When her first kitty went to Heaven, it was her dad who said that the kitty was in his lap.

She knows her dad is sorry about the pain he had, and continues to cause, since the scars of abuse live within people for life. But perhaps he saw her suffering in the new world she finds herself in and just wanted to remind her of his love that she has yet to really experience. Either way, it was a wonderful glimpse of what is to come someday.