Tag: grief

Trapped by Thoughts

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Some may find disturbing. Reader discretion advised.

Ever since she was young, she has had scary thoughts. One thought was on her 9th birthday where she thought, “I’m another year closer to dying.” It scared her but her 9-year-old mind was back to playing with her new birthday presents in no time.

She has obsessive thoughts and anxiety. And now the continued grief for the family and chosen family that she has lost.

It is so exhausting. She tries to rely on her meditation practice to help, and it does, but not enough.

Why can’t she have everyone back in her life? Why’s it so easy to leave her without truly fighting for her? Why can’t we just work it out? What is wrong with her? Do people even truly like her?

These are just some of the obsessive thoughts among many others that she deals with daily. She, being an early childhood professional, always wants to understand the reason behind others behaviors. There’s usually a deeper reason for behaviors than the obvious.

But narcissism is insidious like a cancer. There are no easy answers. You don’t know that you’re in a relationship with one until you get eaten alive-literally and figuratively. They suck on you and they love bomb you so you have no choice but to be eaten up. When you realize that you are being eaten, it’s too late. You have given too much to them! They spit you out like animals and leave you feeling broken, ashamed, deeply hurt, confused, sad, and angry.

That’s how she feels a lot of the time. Her heart is still fucking bleeding from all the pain that they have caused. She tries to put it out of her mind but like a leech, they still have a hold on her.

Why did they do this to her? Why did they use her? Why didn’t she know?

She wishes she could get in the car and drive until she can’t drive anymore. Sometimes she wishes she could drink a bottle of tequila until she passed out. Instead, she is trapped in a body that doesn’t allow her to do anything for herself except type with her nose. And with Covid and other viruses going crazy, she is still trapped with not being able to live how they used to.

She still has happy memories of these people. She wishes she could fix it with all of them. But narcissism won’t allow it. Narcissism will either keep all her sins over her and/or use her until it becomes full again so it can spit her out. Narcissism is keeping the empathetic trapped butterfly from continuing to keep them in her life. She is so freer without being manipulated by the monster. Yet, her thoughts are still trapping her and society is still trapping her. Frankly, there’s many times that she has been disappointed with waking up again.

She longs to be free. She works her ass off to be free. Sometimes when she gets really high, she is free. But will she ever be free from her thoughts, grief, and to be social?

Despair and Grief

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She wakes up feeling that familiar pang in her chest and stomach. She’s very anxious about her husband having another bout of walking pneumonia. It’s either mold or fungi related because they are still living in quarantine with extremely limited exposure to other people due to Covid which continues to weigh deeply on her.

As she begins to meditate and try to become aware of her thoughts and emotions, she realizes that she is missing “them” again. People who she wishes she would stop fucking missing. People who have treated her like shit. She also desperately misses having tattoos that she can look forward to. She’s terrified that if she, hopefully, gets her private appointment in January that it’s going to be impossible to keep getting private sessions since Covid is seemingly “better,” but she doesn’t trust it yet and she feels like it is being suppressed by the media right now due to the election. If this Republican cult gets back in power, it will be even harder to know what is truly going on since Trump has really fucked with the CDC!!

Unfortunately, this grief and despair is a perfect storm for a meltdown. She feels so helpless when her husband is sick. She should be caring for him, but instead, she needs constant care. Dressing, going to the bathroom, feeding, and everything else that you need to do for a young child. Unfortunately, her husband does something that triggers her and she lashes out at him and then it all comes boiling up and out.

He doesn’t mean to trigger her. She hates that she has a hard time regulating her emotions but she tries to breathe and realize that she needs to stop lashing out. She also has a lot of grief and regret about the kitty situation because they lost their beloved first tabby cat whom they adopted with a calico and the kitties grew up together and got along great! A year after the tabby cat crossed the rainbow bridge into Heaven, she was desperate to add another kitty to the family to try to get some joy back into the house and she fell in love with a tabby kitten and they adopted him after trying to make sure it would work out with the older calico. Unfortunately, the kitten was found without a mother and didn’t get the critical socializing that he needed to be a typical cat. He won’t leave the calico alone and he doesn’t understand how to interact without getting too rough. It’s all play and love but he doesn’t have limits like typical kitties have. Despite trying everything, the kitties live separate lives with equal time in the house and in their own “apartments.” This has only made more work for her husband and she feels responsible. She is also sad that the last years of her calico kitty’s life are being spent so differently than her life before the new kitty. There’s a deep ache that she doesn’t get to spend as much time with her calico. It literally makes her sick sometimes even though everyone is happy and are doing well.

She feels angry and scared when her husband is coughing and can’t catch his breath for a few minutes after carrying her to the bathroom and getting her situated so she can have privacy. It makes her angry that people don’t understand how it is. She is so desperate for people to understand and hear her. Some definitely do and show their support. But she is so tired of the ableism of the world and waiting to see what all the viruses and Covid variants are going to do.

She just is desperate for her life to get better for a while and find her tattoo artist that will be there, appropriately, for her. Is this too much to ask??

She still prays but not religious prayers of Christianity. She still finds herself angry at the “Christian god” who is supposed to be able to do anything but it was a lie. God is everything and different entities. It’s not the God of the Bible. She was gullible and fell right into the bull shit. But now she sees that spiritualism is really the best way to go. All prayers and positive vibes have some effects on the world and people. But she hates that she still gets angry at “God” for letting bad stuff happen even though it’s not really Them doing it.

Nighttime falls and it’s time to sleep just to get up and live in the twilight zone again. She doesn’t want to be a trapped butterfly anymore.

Dream about Dad

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Abuse is discussed in this story. Reader discretion advised!

She woke up confused and sad yet happy. She had just had her first happy dream about her dad. Usually the dreams are full of fear, wanting to get away from him, or of his outright abuse. She was always uncomfortable with her dad in her dreams.

You see, her dad didn’t break the abusive cycle that spread throughout his family. Instead, like many who have been abused and deny it, he abused all of his children. She can’t control her muscles and she spasms which makes caring for her hard at times. Unfortunately, this usually got her hit, yelled at, and/or physically handled very roughly. It was always scary and painful, making her cry every time. She still gets triggered if someone is rough with her.

She did feel safe with him occasionally, and she knew he would protect her from things. She loved her daddy, and yet, she didn’t want to be left alone with him for too long just in case something went wrong.

Finally, once she grew up and started dating her husband who was a good friend of her dad’s, he disowned her and then a few years later he suddenly passed away. When he joined the spiritual world, she was so angry with him. She doesn’t remember feeling much sadness. It was there. But the anger and then the horrible anxiety were the main things she experienced directly after his death, which was also almost four months after she got married. No, he didn’t walk her down the aisle or even come to the wedding. He had to saved face. But had he come, she would have cried and hugged him. She was willing to forgive him and have a relationship with him but he refused. Narcissism prevented him from ever truly admitting he was wrong and fix relationships.

Yet, on this morning she felt that grief ache for him and couldn’t believe that she had a good dream about him.

The dream was weird. She has hospital dreams ever since her first actual medically necessary hospitalization and a couple of surgeries since. So this dream she was that she was going in the hospital for some surgery. She was anxious and some of the nurses were wearing masks and others weren’t so she felt anxious about that. They were doing the usual stuff to prep her. They tried giving her a Covid test but she freaked out and couldn’t do it. She kept saying that her dad was coming. She kept asking her husband if he was there.

Finally, he came and she immediately started to sob as they pushed her to him. She hugged him so tight. He was so calm. Then she woke up.

She wondered if it meant anything. She thinks he came to her to comfort her in the way he wasn’t able to. She had had plenty of experiences with him in the spirit world telling her that he was okay and that he loved her. One time the smell of cigarette smoke filled their apartment and there wasn’t anyone anywhere smoking cigarettes. He was a very heavy smoker which contributed to her adult onset and asthma. When her first kitty went to Heaven, it was her dad who said that the kitty was in his lap.

She knows her dad is sorry about the pain he had, and continues to cause, since the scars of abuse live within people for life. But perhaps he saw her suffering in the new world she finds herself in and just wanted to remind her of his love that she has yet to really experience. Either way, it was a wonderful glimpse of what is to come someday.