The Trapped Butterfly is feeling frustrated, depressed, overwhelmed and like nothing is good enough. No wonder since she has been told she isn’t good enough throughout her life by society and her family. Today’s Mother’s Day and it’s always been rough since her beloved mother-in-law left the Earth almost 8 years ago. She is always with them.
Over four years ago, The Trapped Butterfly found out that her mother was extremely narcissistic. The signs were always there but it took her mother rejecting a visit from them for The Trapped Butterfly to find out that her mother is very sick. It makes sense with all the horrible things that she has said to The Trapped Butterfly and the hidden criticism from her mother. After all, what kind of mother chooses a car over her child? What kind of mother would always keep things over her child’s head? And what kind of mother would tell her daughter that the corvette jacket that was her beloved grandpas’ would “look stupid on her” and refuse to let her have it? Not to mention the fact that she allowed The Trapped Butterfly and her siblings be abused by their father.
Yet, there are times when The Trapped Butterfly wants “her mom.”
On top of Mother’s Day, the children’s book that was so traumatic to get illustrated by supposed “friends” is finally almost finished. Yet, except for a few people, the lackluster response to the book is making her have loops of negative thinking which is something she constantly struggles with. Negative thoughts flying around her mind.
Is the book crap? Was it all for nothing? Was this another royal fuck up? What’s the point with Covid still being a threat to her husband and her which is infuriating!
She is grateful for meditation and to try to replace the thoughts with truth. But she is so fucking sensitive!! Even watching tv, she cries at literally everything that is sad or really happy. She has always been this way. Her husband always tells her that she can’t carry the whole world on her shoulders. Everything hurts her heart. She isn’t perfect and can definitely be a bitch, but she feels so deeply.
She knows that her book is awesome. The illustrator is a professional that is published as the illustrator of other books. So why wouldn’t anyone not love it except for the insane Christian right wing cult that hates anyone who is different from them?
She knows people are trying to help. She needs the help. But can’t it just be about getting endorsements and reviews? She isn’t ready for criticism about the damn book! She wrote the title of the book literally with her nose! Not an easy task to do!
It will all work out, she thinks to herself? Somehow the book will be published and it will be as successful as possible. What that looks like is a mystery.
She will always wonder if anything is good enough. She needs to keep learning the she is good enough no matter what society says.
And she won’t always be trapped.
The Trapped Butterfly 