Cosmic – The Trapped Butterfly

Lost? Yes. Found? Not sure.

Posted on January 19, 2024 by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is experiencing extreme depression and anxiety. She didn’t want the Christmas season to end. She struggled to settle completely in this season as once Halloween was over, she started finding out about some liberals, including ex-friends, were anti-Israel. She has too many Jewish friends who have been loyal to her and are good people to just follow the liberal agenda of Israel committing “genocide” in Gaza. She understands that Hamas uses its own people as human shields. She stood her ground and still does when it comes to the Jewish community and Israel. Yet, she has nothing but compassion for the innocent people who are suffering because of the war.

However, it was still painful to find out again that the people she thought were “her people” really weren’t. This caused her anger and anxiety which spilled into her life. Thankfully, she has pretty much gone through the process and has limited her self with social media.

The other thing that made it hard for The Trapped Butterfly to completely settle in to the most cosmic time of year was worry and frustration over family as well as her book. A family member is really struggling right now and has been for months.

She dreaded the New Year because she knows that even though the death rate for Covid this fall and winter has been slightly lower than last year and definitely dramatically lower than the previous 3 years, it’s still too high. They have been back to where they basically were last year. People are still dying daily and everyone is ignoring it. Hospitalizations are still higher for Covid than they are for the flu and RSV season. Basically, even though we’re, maybe, making some progress in the pandemic, it’s not enough to be safe living normally for her husband and her.

She has been trying to find her way. Her friends pushed her to get a petition going to try to get masks back in medical facilities year-round in her state. She knows she needs to make a difference in the world so she felt like the Spirit World wanted her to do it. Even with the knowledge that most petitions don’t succeed, she finds herself doing what she did with her first book, with her gofundme campaign, and other efforts to create change…Feeling like she is trying to get positive attention, not getting it easily, and taking it personally. Feeling like she has to do all this stuff that she doesn’t feel like she’s good at.

Wanting to remain open to the Spirit World and trying to find her place in a world where she is even more not welcome in, she set up a meeting with the marketing agent that she still wishes she would have taken her time to find someone who would really meet her needs. She gave in to the need to help people as well as the need to be victorious in getting her children’s book published after all the years of trauma that she has endured to finally get it illustrated and published and hired the guy without knowing that he is a right wing person. Usually this wouldn’t be an issue but with Covid, is for her. It was much easier when the book was in the process of being illustrated. If it wasn’t finished, she couldn’t publish it. She, naively, thought that Covid would be safe for them by the time it was ready. That is not what happened and this year she has lost hope that “this will be the year that they will finally figure something out and she will be free again.”

So when they video chatted with the marketing guy, she was trying to be open. He didn’t want to help with the petition and he gave her “tough love.” Ironically, she hates that word and she believes that she actually shut herself down. She didn’t want to lash out. She wanted to be open and hear him out about going ahead with publishing the book for Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month in March. And he is right about the fact that kids need this book. Something else that is bugging her big time. There’s not a children’s book like hers out there and it’s got to get out there. He said that it’s not what we want but we can make it work with online events and interviews. The Trapped Butterfly is trying to get used to the idea of not being able to do the book traditionally.

She still had that gripping pain in her chest as her husband was in agreement with the agent. She agreed while getting emotional about how badly she wants to be in the public doing events. It’s obvious that society has a real empathy problem. They don’t care if the vulnerable live or die or her petition would have thousands of signatures…Actually, there wouldn’t be a need to have a petition for masks in medical facilities because they would still be doing it anyway.

After the meeting, she felt proud of herself for being calm and open about this. But the pain in her chest remained. She reached out to a few trusted people to process it. Then the person who delivered her prescription, got the wrong prescription as the pharmacy got it wrong. So they rushed out to get the right prescription before the pharmacy closed. Nighttime drive.

Despite the anxiety and stress, she tried to enjoy the ride. The sunset was fiery pink, orange, red, and purple. Beautiful. The lights were bright and beautiful. The darkness of the trees in the forest were beautiful. Some houses had white lights still on. Despite the awfulness of the situation and having empathy for her husband who had to snuff out the cigar he was smoking as well as the physical pain he felt to do everything he had to do to get them over there in time, she knew this would probably be the last time she would be in the vehicle at night.

Her mind keeps racing. Her emotions are everywhere. So she is trying to practice her meditation as well as self care. During her “talk” with herself during the time her husband was cleaning up after dinner and feeding the cats, she found her mind going crazy and started to feel panic. She started softly talking to herself as if she was her best friend.

During the talk, she discovered a pattern. Instead of dealing with the conflict in her about the book, she shut down. She didn’t want to argue about it. She just agreed and figured that the fear would go away. Maybe it will. However, despite being a fighter and a firebrand, there are still times when she would just go along with whatever it was. She did it with her family, her friends, and her husband. They probably didn’t realize it because she didn’t even realize it until now. Plus, the abusers got what they wanted from her. It’s healthy to do it occasionally with your spouse but it’s a definite pattern in her.

The Trapped Butterfly knows how to stand her ground, but yet, she is still a people pleaser. Plus, abuse can make one afraid to stand up for themselves. She believes that she did this during the meeting.

Then she found herself questioning her instincts. She felt that she didn’t have good instincts, but she was able to look back at the past 4 years and see how she has made very difficult decisions in order to keep them safe from Covid. She is doing the best she can with all the hell she’s been through the past few years and more.

She often still worries about being a narcissist and being too much like her parents. But she found herself wanting to write people back instead of writing this story. If she was a narcissist, she would not give a fuck about anything but what she wants.

She keeps thinking that she wants to talk to her therapist about this. She cried softly and tried to tell herself that she is doing remarkably well with her situation. She has been going through hell, but still finds ways to incorporate joy in her life.

She really needs to explore with her therapist about her fear versus her instincts because she’s just not sure what is what. She needs to put herself first. Yet, she needs purpose.

She needs to explore why she shuts down sometimes and agrees to things whether it’s right or wrong. Sometimes she just isn’t aware she’s doing it. It feels right in the moment. But with the big stuff, she needs to figure this out before she gets herself in more trouble than she can handle…again…

And she is always looking outside for answers and guidance. This is normal and healthy behavior, but she does need to be able to look inside herself to find answers. She has to trust herself. But how? It’s so hard when things are really hard and she has to make the best decision when they all feel wrong.

For now, she is proud of herself for becoming aware of the fact that she was triggered by the meeting, feels so much pressure to do the book from herself, and for talking to herself as a best friend would. Not offering advice except to take the time to write this story which people may or may not relate to or enjoy but it helps her feel better. She will also remember that she looked up at the sky when they got home from picking up her correct prescription and saw the moon through the clouds. The moon, Spirits, and herself are always with her.

Trapped Butterfly, you got this. You are not alone. We will figure this out. You are doing amazingly well in this unprecedented time we’re living through. You are not alone!

The Fire, Christmas Lights, and The Moon

Posted on December 15, 2023 by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly loves Christmas as does her husband. But life has done what life does to make Christmas bittersweet. And she has great Christmastime memories from childhood and not so great memories. They have lost loved ones, family, and friends which makes Christmas bittersweet.

However, that doesn’t stop them from decorating and enjoying the hell out of Christmas. She’s been desperately wanting another outside day with a fire that would go on until it got dark. It’s been about five years since they have had a fire outside when it was nighttime.

Today was a beautiful warm day for December. 56 degrees and not too windy. The Trapped Butterfly and her husband had agreed to an outside day with a fire. They were both in a good mood today so they played their silly games that only they understand. She had gotten some Mickey Mouse light up ears for fun and was looking forward to wearing them later when she was higher and in an even better mood. She told her husband that he was going to “get it.” Poor guy didn’t know what she was thinking.

It felt pretty warm out when he pushed her outside in her wheelchair. It was partly cloudy and she was disappointed that she probably wasn’t going to be able to see the stars and planets as she had been doing the previous times that they were out there until after dark. In fact, one night she had sat outside alone and was amazed by the colors of the sunset, the Christmas lights coming on, and then the planets and stars that eventually filled the night sky.

Today the fire was beautiful from the start. They used a cardboard box with sticks to get the fire going. There must have been plastic or something on the box that was making little fire sparks slide down to the ground. It was magical.

She meditated and watched the fire throughout the afternoon. Birds flew overhead and one was so loud when it squawked that it startled both her and her husband.

She drank cannabis infused juice and then she had a couple of shots of tequila! The higher she got, the more beautiful everything was getting. As the sun was setting, sparks of the fire went up to the sky. It got brighter and brighter. She kept saying, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

Getting goofy, she had her husband get her light up Mickey Mouse Christmas ears. He had turned on their outside Christmas lights and they were shining bright. She looked at a medal part of her wheelchair and it was so psychedelic from the reflection of the Christmas lights. She loved it.

She wore her ears for a while and got pictures. Then it was time to enact her plan on her husband to get him back for the games they played earlier. He, surprisingly, put the lighted ears on and took pictures! 😂😂. She was laughing so hard at him not figuring it out right away. Finally he got it and they laughed and played around. She kept wearing her ears.

It was getting darker and darker. Other Christmas lights were coming on in the neighborhood. So beautiful and cosmic. The fire got brighter and brighter. She hadn’t seen anything more beautiful in so long!

As they sat, a fox came up from the neighbor’s yard and began to cross the road. The fox made eye contact with them and got scared even though she was trying not to do anything to scare it away. It took off into the field across the road. They were both excited that they got to see a fox so close.

Similarly, that spring a baby deer ran across their yard. She always prays for animals because she doesn’t want them to get hit by cars and people can be so cruel. She loves animals.

As the night fell, the fire was allowed to dissipate and she watched what her husband calls, “Coal City.” A bunch of beautiful orange coals were flickering. It was beautiful.

She kept looking at all the Christmas lights throughout the neighborhood. The lights were so beautiful and she kept feeling herself relax. She also found herself remembering all the normal times that she had been outside at night—from childhood to adulthood. Being outside at night was a normal, frequent occurrence year round. She missed it all and noted at how much she, and all people, take for granted. Covid has at least made her more aware of everything that isn’t guaranteed in life. It’s easily taken away from you in an instant. Covid is on the rise again and, thankfully, The Trapped Butterfly and her husband have managed not to get it. Both are still sacrificing to avoid being infected by this nasty virus that is definitely damaging people’s bodies in ways that they don’t even understand.

While her husband was starting to put stuff away and put out the fire, she was sitting outside by herself and she saw a bright light through the fur tree. She looked and thought it was a street light but there’s no light there. She realized that it was the new moon! Tears streamed down her face. Her husband came out and she said, “Is that really the moon?” Her husband had been seeing it behind the house in the past month but there it was…A bright sliver of the moon. She was crying and saying “Thank you” to the Spirit world and the Universe and the moon for allowing her to see it. Soon the clouds covered the moon back up. She was just blown away by it and everything she was able to experience.

May there peace on Earth and goodwill towards men.

Venus, Stars, and Peace

Posted on November 12, 2023 by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly had a great Halloween with her witch costume. Her hat lights up in purple. She actually got to update her Halloween knee with a purple witch, bat, purple Grateful Dead dancing skeleton, a UFO, and a vampire tattoo. She didn’t want to leave the coziness of the artist’s studio in the shop so she had him add more pink and purple sky background. He went crazy and it made everything pop even more.

She was on the usual high after a tattoo session. She couldn’t believe that she was able to get three projects done this year before having to take a break during the respiratory season since everyone is being so stupid with not taking Covid seriously anymore. Thankfully, she has two appointments with him this spring already. Even though, like the majority of people, he doesn’t mask up anymore, he definitely keeps up with the shots and wears a N95 mask with them to keep them safe. She is very grateful to have an artist who will make getting ink as safe as possible.

Unfortunately, the high didn’t last very long due to family members getting Covid again and the ongoing war against Hamas. People are just becoming so stupid. They don’t understand that they are supporting a terrorist organization that Israel must defeat. The Trapped Butterfly has tried to explain about Hamas to people who are seeing the destruction in Gaza and the innocent civilians being killed that don’t want to understand about Hamas using civilians as human shields. Of course, she gets blocked by friends for this. She also gets nowhere with trying to have a conversation with people. She is terrified at the world she lives in.

She woke up crabby this morning and decided she needed an outside day. The leaves crunched under them. She had fun looking at the different colors on the ground and what is left on the trees. Cute little squirrels ran around high in the trees. She worried about them falling being up so high but they knew what they were doing.

As the sun set, the trees with red and golden leaves were absolutely glowing in the sun. Everything just kept getting more and more beautiful. The silhouette of the dark trees against the orange and yellow sky was breathtaking. She eagerly started looking for stars.

Finally a planet and then another planet and then Venus! She was delighted to see what they believed were Mars, Jupiter, and Venus. Venus seems to be becoming her new friend and constant as she has seen her in every season. Even just looking out the windows at night in the summer when they no longer seem to be out at night due to their limited activities in order to protect themselves from getting Covid.

Tears filled The Trapped Butterfly’s eyes as she watched it get darker and darker with more stars filling the night sky. She prays to the Spirit World and aliens to please come help this horrible world. She wishes for peace and healing. She soaks up every second of the quiet, starlight evening before having to go back in the house to eat and do the nightly routine.

She is looking forward to having a fire soon and watching the night come. Little do humans know just how small and insignificant they are in the grand scheme of things.

Supernatural Beings and Peace

Posted on October 22, 2023 by The Trapped Butterfly

She was sobbing. Hot tears streamed down her face and she had an unexpected, intense urge to go outside. Usually she wouldn’t even ask to go outside on the whim like that, but she just needed to get out and pray/send positive vibes up to the universe without the confines of the house.

The second her husband pushed her outside, her whole body relaxed despite the intense, unexplainable feelings that were surging through her. She cried and took some deep breaths as she looked at the beautiful orange and yellow sky with the sunset. She whispered softly at the almost night sky hoping that They would hear her. Both the aliens and the Spirits.

The movie that they had just watched was called, “Arrival,” which included alien beings coming to Earth to help mankind achieve the alien’s goal of world peace. Oh how she wishes that the world leaders would get high on marijuana and watch the movie.

There was also the concept of some being able to see their own future and how choosing to still do something that would be heartbreaking but so meaningful got to her. She often wonders nowadays if she would have made the same choices that she has made up to now despite the joys and the devastating pain that she has endured. There was one thing that she used to regret about her ex-chosen family…She had said she wished she had never met them. But now, despite some lingering pain that remains, she realizes that it is a part of her journey and she wouldn’t be the person she is now.

So many thoughts going through her mind right now but it’s all cosmic. She had been wanting to see the moon for a while now and while they were outside, she happened to turn her head to the side and looked up and there was the moon.

May You come and somehow bring peace and love and healing to this world. Please…….

Planets

Posted on March 21, 2023 by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly has had her ups and downs in the past few weeks. Sitting outside until dusk in late February when it was unseasonably warm, she delighted in seeing Venus and Jupiter in the dusk sky. So beautiful and so far away. Whatever life forms that may be on those planets have no idea what is happening on Earth and we have no real idea what is happening there. Storms, yes, but who knows if there’s different life forms there that either are suffering or are peaceful…Perhaps they are both suffering and peaceful like here.

Then she was able to go back to the original tattoo shop for a new piercing and some much needed earring changes. The piercer actually remember them from when she used to be there sometimes twice a month for tattoos. The Trapped Butterfly had been afraid to go back there due to probably receiving the wrong information about stuff that happened years ago. But it seemed to be forgotten or not even thought about. It was weird to be back. The place is painted gray and is an open floor plan. The piercing was wonderful and just getting to be normal in a safe manner was wonderful.

She also has a tattoo appointment April 3rd with a tattoo artist that is willing to wear a mask and do it on a day off. She is going to try to rework the lizard leg that has been driving her crazy. It’s going to be emotional but she is so ready to even have it look completely different than what it was supposed to be.

Sleeping has been rough lately because she can’t sleep on her piercing and she has sores on her other ear. She keeps ordering pillows for this situation with holes in them, but they are too high for stomach sleeping. It just seems like she doesn’t belong in society anymore. No stomach pillows, people acting like Covid isn’t real threat anymore, having to make sure that they are safe. It’s exhausting and she feels unseen by most people who are supposed to understand. Not to mention that it’s Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month which gets very little attention despite it being the number one lifelong disability.

But this morning she was visited by the moon and the planets. In her dream, they were so close and big in the sky that it was almost as if she could reach up and touch them. The moon was bright white. Then Venus was so bright and colorful. So was Jupiter, Saturn, and Neptune. It was a very trippy dream. One in which she could have stayed in forever. No ableism, no Covid, no pain, no struggles. Just pure wonderment and awe as the planets kept coming up in the sky.

Maybe it’s the spirit world trying to keep her up as she continues to deal with the reality of what she has lost. Moments of peace and beauty are what make her keep going in this life that she honestly doesn’t want to live anymore but she has no choice but to love her husband and kitties while they wait for an easier time to come.

The Night Trip

Posted on December 29, 2022 by The Trapped Butterfly

Her husband pushes her out the front door into the darkness. She is so excited to be going out at night. She actually can’t remember the last time she was going somewhere at night due to the ongoing pandemic that people are trying to ignore now.

It is a warm night for the end of December. Just days before it had been sub freezing with wind chills of -27 degrees. Tonight it was windy but in the 50s. The minute she is outside she gets an overwhelming peace throughout her whole body. The wind blows her hair. The Christmas lights and the regular lights are so sparkly. The night sky is so beautiful despite the clouds that block out all the stars.

The Trapped Butterfly takes a deep breath and exclaims that it is so beautiful!

In the vehicle, she sits and looks at all the lights on the dashboard. Again, absolutely beautiful! The Christmas lights on the front porch of her house are so bright! She revels in the neighbor’s Christmas lights and the “new” world that is surrounding her.

As they drive, she honestly feels like she is tripping. Yes, she is high on pot and some wine from dinner, but she hasn’t felt like this in a while. It is true “beginner’s mind” as meditation teaches. She can’t believe how much there’s to see in the darkness.

The way the headlights are shining on the trees giving them an eerie glow. The lights from houses shining through the trees. Looking out into the horizon and seeing the patches of light in the sky from towns miles away from them. It’s a beautiful contrast between empty dark skies and land and the bright lights of towns that are not even visible except for the small light patches in the sky.

She loves catching glimpses of Christmas lights inside people’s houses even if the outside don’t have lights. She loves watching the lights of the headlights reflecting off everything that they are passing. She just feels so much peace and joy in this beautiful moment. She even sees a live deer standing in the ditch.

The Christmas drive through light fair is rather disappointing because it used to pretty much cover the whole fair ground, but it is rather small and she enjoys it as they drive through it twice, but they are both really disappointed that it isn’t anything near what it was before the pandemic started. They haven’t been here in two years due to Covid and being so afraid to even pay for it. They still are forced to drastically limit their contact with people, and her husband always wears masks. But this year she was insistent in going to the light fair as they did every year before Covid since they moved down here. Her husband wore his mask to pay the lady and sanitized his hands before removing his mask.

The peace of the simple act of going for a ride at night to see Christmas lights will hopefully keep giving her the strength to keep being trapped from how she used to live. It’s also teaching her just how much people take everyday things for granted.

Nightfall

Posted on October 29, 2022 by The Trapped Butterfly

It’s a cool, fall day. It’s also Halloween weekend and she has been feeling really restless and left out. She loves Halloween! Ever since she was old enough to deal with the costumes, which was around age five, she loved dressing up and going out. She continued this celebration well into adulthood with going to accessible Halloween activities and watching scary movies.

All around her, people are celebrating Halloween weekend and she longs to do anything Halloween too. They watched Hannibal eat brains the other day. Yummy, tastes like chicken.

The day started turning to evening. After consuming extra cannabis and shots of alcohol, nightfall filled the air. They had been playing with an Amanita and wizard hat and now she was wearing the wizard hat.

The darkness filled her senses with awe, peace, and cosmic vibes. The purple lights on the porch where she was sitting danced to her. Then it hit her that something that happened so regularly her whole life has been occurring rarely now.

They used to go out at night and get together with people at night. She remembered coming home from college and grad school classes at night. There were events, parties, tattoos, concerts at night. Now they can get everything done during the day and then the mosquitoes are bad when they are sitting outside in the summer so they go in before dusk.

But tonight was different. Nothing was driving them in and she couldn’t tear herself from the nightfall. Tears ran down her face. The last of the nighttime bugs and creatures rang in her ears. Sounds of dogs barking, people coming home, and the silence all mixed into a beautiful melody. The beautiful lights on the porch and the neighborhood as well as the darkness also filled her.

She drank it all in for as long as she could. She felt sad that she had taken nightfall for granted. She will make sure to experience nightfall a bit more from outside.

She pleads with the universe to let health and peace rain on the Earth. So tired of the darkness that is over Earth and their lives. She wants to get to experience the cosmic nightfall more….