Tag: children’s book about cerebral palsy

Lost? Yes. Found? Not sure.

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is experiencing extreme depression and anxiety. She didn’t want the Christmas season to end. She struggled to settle completely in this season as once Halloween was over, she started finding out about some liberals, including ex-friends, were anti-Israel. She has too many Jewish friends who have been loyal to her and are good people to just follow the liberal agenda of Israel committing “genocide” in Gaza. She understands that Hamas uses its own people as human shields. She stood her ground and still does when it comes to the Jewish community and Israel. Yet, she has nothing but compassion for the innocent people who are suffering because of the war.

However, it was still painful to find out again that the people she thought were “her people” really weren’t. This caused her anger and anxiety which spilled into her life. Thankfully, she has pretty much gone through the process and has limited her self with social media.

The other thing that made it hard for The Trapped Butterfly to completely settle in to the most cosmic time of year was worry and frustration over family as well as her book. A family member is really struggling right now and has been for months.

She dreaded the New Year because she knows that even though the death rate for Covid this fall and winter has been slightly lower than last year and definitely dramatically lower than the previous 3 years, it’s still too high. They have been back to where they basically were last year. People are still dying daily and everyone is ignoring it. Hospitalizations are still higher for Covid than they are for the flu and RSV season. Basically, even though we’re, maybe, making some progress in the pandemic, it’s not enough to be safe living normally for her husband and her.

She has been trying to find her way. Her friends pushed her to get a petition going to try to get masks back in medical facilities year-round in her state. She knows she needs to make a difference in the world so she felt like the Spirit World wanted her to do it. Even with the knowledge that most petitions don’t succeed, she finds herself doing what she did with her first book, with her gofundme campaign, and other efforts to create change…Feeling like she is trying to get positive attention, not getting it easily, and taking it personally. Feeling like she has to do all this stuff that she doesn’t feel like she’s good at.

Wanting to remain open to the Spirit World and trying to find her place in a world where she is even more not welcome in, she set up a meeting with the marketing agent that she still wishes she would have taken her time to find someone who would really meet her needs. She gave in to the need to help people as well as the need to be victorious in getting her children’s book published after all the years of trauma that she has endured to finally get it illustrated and published and hired the guy without knowing that he is a right wing person. Usually this wouldn’t be an issue but with Covid, is for her. It was much easier when the book was in the process of being illustrated. If it wasn’t finished, she couldn’t publish it. She, naively, thought that Covid would be safe for them by the time it was ready. That is not what happened and this year she has lost hope that “this will be the year that they will finally figure something out and she will be free again.”

So when they video chatted with the marketing guy, she was trying to be open. He didn’t want to help with the petition and he gave her “tough love.” Ironically, she hates that word and she believes that she actually shut herself down. She didn’t want to lash out. She wanted to be open and hear him out about going ahead with publishing the book for Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month in March. And he is right about the fact that kids need this book. Something else that is bugging her big time. There’s not a children’s book like hers out there and it’s got to get out there. He said that it’s not what we want but we can make it work with online events and interviews. The Trapped Butterfly is trying to get used to the idea of not being able to do the book traditionally.

She still had that gripping pain in her chest as her husband was in agreement with the agent. She agreed while getting emotional about how badly she wants to be in the public doing events. It’s obvious that society has a real empathy problem. They don’t care if the vulnerable live or die or her petition would have thousands of signatures…Actually, there wouldn’t be a need to have a petition for masks in medical facilities because they would still be doing it anyway.

After the meeting, she felt proud of herself for being calm and open about this. But the pain in her chest remained. She reached out to a few trusted people to process it. Then the person who delivered her prescription, got the wrong prescription as the pharmacy got it wrong. So they rushed out to get the right prescription before the pharmacy closed. Nighttime drive.

Despite the anxiety and stress, she tried to enjoy the ride. The sunset was fiery pink, orange, red, and purple. Beautiful. The lights were bright and beautiful. The darkness of the trees in the forest were beautiful. Some houses had white lights still on. Despite the awfulness of the situation and having empathy for her husband who had to snuff out the cigar he was smoking as well as the physical pain he felt to do everything he had to do to get them over there in time, she knew this would probably be the last time she would be in the vehicle at night.

Her mind keeps racing. Her emotions are everywhere. So she is trying to practice her meditation as well as self care. During her “talk” with herself during the time her husband was cleaning up after dinner and feeding the cats, she found her mind going crazy and started to feel panic. She started softly talking to herself as if she was her best friend.

During the talk, she discovered a pattern. Instead of dealing with the conflict in her about the book, she shut down. She didn’t want to argue about it. She just agreed and figured that the fear would go away. Maybe it will. However, despite being a fighter and a firebrand, there are still times when she would just go along with whatever it was. She did it with her family, her friends, and her husband. They probably didn’t realize it because she didn’t even realize it until now. Plus, the abusers got what they wanted from her. It’s healthy to do it occasionally with your spouse but it’s a definite pattern in her.

The Trapped Butterfly knows how to stand her ground, but yet, she is still a people pleaser. Plus, abuse can make one afraid to stand up for themselves. She believes that she did this during the meeting.

Then she found herself questioning her instincts. She felt that she didn’t have good instincts, but she was able to look back at the past 4 years and see how she has made very difficult decisions in order to keep them safe from Covid. She is doing the best she can with all the hell she’s been through the past few years and more.

She often still worries about being a narcissist and being too much like her parents. But she found herself wanting to write people back instead of writing this story. If she was a narcissist, she would not give a fuck about anything but what she wants.

She keeps thinking that she wants to talk to her therapist about this. She cried softly and tried to tell herself that she is doing remarkably well with her situation. She has been going through hell, but still finds ways to incorporate joy in her life.

She really needs to explore with her therapist about her fear versus her instincts because she’s just not sure what is what. She needs to put herself first. Yet, she needs purpose.

She needs to explore why she shuts down sometimes and agrees to things whether it’s right or wrong. Sometimes she just isn’t aware she’s doing it. It feels right in the moment. But with the big stuff, she needs to figure this out before she gets herself in more trouble than she can handle…again…

And she is always looking outside for answers and guidance. This is normal and healthy behavior, but she does need to be able to look inside herself to find answers. She has to trust herself. But how? It’s so hard when things are really hard and she has to make the best decision when they all feel wrong.

For now, she is proud of herself for becoming aware of the fact that she was triggered by the meeting, feels so much pressure to do the book from herself, and for talking to herself as a best friend would. Not offering advice except to take the time to write this story which people may or may not relate to or enjoy but it helps her feel better. She will also remember that she looked up at the sky when they got home from picking up her correct prescription and saw the moon through the clouds. The moon, Spirits, and herself are always with her.

Trapped Butterfly, you got this. You are not alone. We will figure this out. You are doing amazingly well in this unprecedented time we’re living through. You are not alone!

Bombs, gunfire, and explosions

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She is in a weird wooden old house. At every turn a bomb is detonated. It’s loud, bright orange and yellow, and narrowly misses her and her husband as they try to flee from the house. Gunfire erupts with bullets passing right by her. She is terrified. She sees no way of getting out alive. The loudness is overwhelming. Fire everywhere.

The Trapped Butterfly wakes up in a panic. She gasps for air and her body is tense. Her heart is pounding. She starts to look around the dark bedroom with the blue night light on. The white noise is comforting. Her husband is peacefully sleeping next to her. It’s after 3 AM.

She has always had weird dreams about people trying to hurt her but this was the most intense dream she has ever had. She is afraid to go back to sleep but she’s stuck in bed because she can’t just get up and go read or do something else. She finally meditates herself to sleep only to have more weird dreams.

The summer has been one of getting to do some things normally and safely. The staff at the eye clinic masked up and did their best to keep them away from people. However, she got to safely interact with some young children who were in the eye care center while they waited outside for the staff to get them right in a room. Their sweet, curious faces smiling at her and looking at her and her wheelchair with curiosity. It was wonderful and made her cry tears of joy when they got home.

The vet made it so she could come in with her husband and kitties for the first time since the pandemic started. Nobody was there and the tech put them right in a room. She and the doctor wore masks for her.

Her professor came over for a visit outside. She is going to be with them for The Trapped Butterfly’s birthday.

However, her world continues to blow up. Yes, she is very aware that actual bombs are still blowing up people in Ukraine and the Middle East. Gunfire is a common occurrence in her local area and in her country. However, she still has a right to her own pain.

Her new children’s book is done and was about ready to be published this week, but despite how hard she fought to pick up the pieces from her “chosen family” fucking around with getting it illustrated and then not finishing it because they were mad at her for stating facts and trying to enforce boundaries, the closer it got to actually publishing it, the more dread and panic filled her. This is not how one is supposed to feel about releasing a book.

She knows that she could do some controlled events with masks outside, but there are new variants of Covid going around and people are getting sick that are trying to still be careful. And she knows that seeing other local authors who are going to be doing their own events that she should be doing too.

Then there’s the media. Not that she expects to get famous, but the book was written many years before Covid. She never imagined that she wouldn’t be able to have a normal schedule of live events in her area. There are so many opportunities for book events in her area. How is she going to answer the questions that the media might ask.

Media: “Do you still love antiquing? How often do you go antiquing?”

The Trapped Butterfly: “I don’t get to go anymore because of Covid and our high risk of getting seriously ill.”

Media: “But other people with disabilities are out and about.”

The Trapped Butterfly: “Yeah and some are still dying from it.”

Media: Do you have any book events planned?”

The Trapped Butterfly: “Only private, controlled ones with people wearing masks.”

Cue up the laughter from the Covid deniers and the “how sad” but move right on with life from more sympathetic people. Yeah, no thanks.

She is dealing with an unbelievable ignorant, ableist world that has moved on from a virus that isn’t just a respiratory illness but a disease that attacks the body in ways we are just learning about. Yes, we are in a better place than we were last year with hospitalizations and deaths but we have not had a day where no deaths have happened in this country and other countries. Now hospitalizations are rising. There’s clear evidence from multiple research studies are showing that repeat infections of this virus is making people more likely to get seriously sick and die or get long term health problems. Covid is not the flu or a cold. It affects the nervous system, cardiovascular system, gastrointestinal system, and brain. Basically it attacks the whole body even with a mild case.

Then she’s having to deal with someone who is not Covid friendly which makes her sick. But she is making it work by being assertive. She should have done more research on the person. Yet, another mistake she made.

So another night she dreams about going back to school. They were in the wrong room and her professor came and found them. In her dream, The Trapped Butterfly was being pushed by someone else and they weren’t masked, thus, breathing on her. When her and her husband got into the correct classroom, they tried to sit where people wouldn’t sit right by them. Except they started crowding around her. She had a panic attack and started crying. Her husband got her out of there. She was sure that they would get Covid.

Dreams are weird. Some dreams she’s being normal with no worries about Covid. And others are just full of fear and panic.

After the going back to school dream, The Trapped Butterfly made the hard decision to delay releasing the book right now. She is terrified of getting this virus. She also doesn’t want to feel even more left out than she already does. So she is going to create a video and announce it to everyone. She feels selfish because she knows that the world needs another book like this. She knows that little children need a book to encourage them to keep fighting for their dreams and goals. But with the current uncertainty of the virus and even the uncertainty surrounding getting another shot soon is making her want to just cocoon herself again and do her best to enjoy the cosmic season of fall and early winter.

She is angry and sad. She still doesn’t understand why people are so ignorant and insensitive about the virus, thus, helping to make people who are trying to do everything right in order not to get sick, get sick. I wonder if some of these people would feel horrible if they found out that they put someone in the hospital by spreading it around instead of following proper precautions that are proven to prevent it. The media and government are not helping by downplaying it.

So here she is…Her birthday week…and her world continues to blow up all around her. Best to just cocoon and keep hoping that the day will eventually come when she is no longer trapped.

Red Sun, Smoke…Is This The Right Time?

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She looks out the small holes of the wooden blinds on the windows. The sun shines right at the house in the late spring and summer so they have to close the blinds at a certain time in the evening so it doesn’t blind them. It’s red from the smoke due to the horrible wildfires in Canada. She and her husband have been wanting to go outside but the air quality has been bad for people with asthma to be out for a prolonged period of time. It’s been very difficult for The Trapped Butterfly since they are still not able to live how they used to due to Covid. Smaller and smaller groups seem to be trying to avoid getting it or being reinfected with Covid despite the research showing that it is affecting health in pretty nasty ways.

As she looks at the red sun, she tries to see it as a sign that everything is going to work out with publishing her children’s book…Except the reality is that the thought of publishing it now that it’s finally done is scaring the living shit out of her.

Technically, The Trapped Butterfly is already a published author and has been called horrible names by Christian pro-spankers. She dealt with the trauma of the book not taking off and then finding out that the publisher was bad. They went to jail for embezzling money.

She is living through a terrifying time in her life…Well, it feels like it hasn’t really let up since her beloved mother in law went to Heaven. But this current situation with a virus that seems to be getting less severe and less acutely deadly than it was as well as all the division in the country with the narcissistic right wing cult of hatred, it feels terrifying to release a new book. She is fucking desperate to be able to interact with children in person!! She truly believes that people will come to her book events! But trying to explain her situation with Covid to people is scary because she has been laughed at as well as the typical bullshit the Covid deniers continue to spread when they see anything about Covid. Even her marketing agent was weird, unless she misunderstood, about having people wear masks for interviews and events.

She also had an unexpected wave of grief after speaking to her marketing agent. The sudden grief was about her biological family not being there for the first time in her life to cheer her on…Not that they did it for the right reasons but still…

Then she had a dream about her narcissistic mother that her mother had changed the book with other family members. Yet, The Trapped Butterfly was kind of happy to see her mother. She felt sad when they departed in the dream and she had to decide whether to have her mother back in her life in some way or not.

Of course, knowing how sick her mother truly is, there is very little chance that she will ever be able to have her mother back in her life. Her mother is incapable of truly forgiving. She only looks out for herself.

The Trapped Butterfly just feels more trapped again as well as overwhelmed. She knows that she will push through. The book will be published. And she will find ways to be able to safely do stuff without hurting/killing her husband or herself. But the uncertainty is killing her.

On top of all this, it’s also the worst time of year for her and her husband. They lost their beloved kitty almost 6 years ago so they still struggle with heavy grief and PTSD from the loss. Their sweet calico kitty is about to be 17 years old. The kitties were adopted and brought home together. She is so grateful for the calico continuing to do well with her kidney disease unlike her brother, but The Trapped Butterfly is fighting thoughts about the horrible loss of her someday… May they have a few more years with this sweet little kitty. May the quality of life for her kitty remain high too.

In the end, she has to trust that everything will work out how it is supposed to go. It will be fine…Yet, is this the right time for everything?

Is Anything Good Enough? Is She Good Enough?

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is feeling frustrated, depressed, overwhelmed and like nothing is good enough. No wonder since she has been told she isn’t good enough throughout her life by society and her family. Today’s Mother’s Day and it’s always been rough since her beloved mother-in-law left the Earth almost 8 years ago. She is always with them.

Over four years ago, The Trapped Butterfly found out that her mother was extremely narcissistic. The signs were always there but it took her mother rejecting a visit from them for The Trapped Butterfly to find out that her mother is very sick. It makes sense with all the horrible things that she has said to The Trapped Butterfly and the hidden criticism from her mother. After all, what kind of mother chooses a car over her child? What kind of mother would always keep things over her child’s head? And what kind of mother would tell her daughter that the corvette jacket that was her beloved grandpas’ would “look stupid on her” and refuse to let her have it? Not to mention the fact that she allowed The Trapped Butterfly and her siblings be abused by their father.

Yet, there are times when The Trapped Butterfly wants “her mom.”

On top of Mother’s Day, the children’s book that was so traumatic to get illustrated by supposed “friends” is finally almost finished. Yet, except for a few people, the lackluster response to the book is making her have loops of negative thinking which is something she constantly struggles with. Negative thoughts flying around her mind.

Is the book crap? Was it all for nothing? Was this another royal fuck up? What’s the point with Covid still being a threat to her husband and her which is infuriating!

She is grateful for meditation and to try to replace the thoughts with truth. But she is so fucking sensitive!! Even watching tv, she cries at literally everything that is sad or really happy. She has always been this way. Her husband always tells her that she can’t carry the whole world on her shoulders. Everything hurts her heart. She isn’t perfect and can definitely be a bitch, but she feels so deeply.

She knows that her book is awesome. The illustrator is a professional that is published as the illustrator of other books. So why wouldn’t anyone not love it except for the insane Christian right wing cult that hates anyone who is different from them?

She knows people are trying to help. She needs the help. But can’t it just be about getting endorsements and reviews? She isn’t ready for criticism about the damn book! She wrote the title of the book literally with her nose! Not an easy task to do!

It will all work out, she thinks to herself? Somehow the book will be published and it will be as successful as possible. What that looks like is a mystery.

She will always wonder if anything is good enough. She needs to keep learning the she is good enough no matter what society says.

And she won’t always be trapped.