She is in a weird wooden old house. At every turn a bomb is detonated. It’s loud, bright orange and yellow, and narrowly misses her and her husband as they try to flee from the house. Gunfire erupts with bullets passing right by her. She is terrified. She sees no way of getting out alive. The loudness is overwhelming. Fire everywhere.
The Trapped Butterfly wakes up in a panic. She gasps for air and her body is tense. Her heart is pounding. She starts to look around the dark bedroom with the blue night light on. The white noise is comforting. Her husband is peacefully sleeping next to her. It’s after 3 AM.
She has always had weird dreams about people trying to hurt her but this was the most intense dream she has ever had. She is afraid to go back to sleep but she’s stuck in bed because she can’t just get up and go read or do something else. She finally meditates herself to sleep only to have more weird dreams.
The summer has been one of getting to do some things normally and safely. The staff at the eye clinic masked up and did their best to keep them away from people. However, she got to safely interact with some young children who were in the eye care center while they waited outside for the staff to get them right in a room. Their sweet, curious faces smiling at her and looking at her and her wheelchair with curiosity. It was wonderful and made her cry tears of joy when they got home.
The vet made it so she could come in with her husband and kitties for the first time since the pandemic started. Nobody was there and the tech put them right in a room. She and the doctor wore masks for her.
Her professor came over for a visit outside. She is going to be with them for The Trapped Butterfly’s birthday.
However, her world continues to blow up. Yes, she is very aware that actual bombs are still blowing up people in Ukraine and the Middle East. Gunfire is a common occurrence in her local area and in her country. However, she still has a right to her own pain.
Her new children’s book is done and was about ready to be published this week, but despite how hard she fought to pick up the pieces from her “chosen family” fucking around with getting it illustrated and then not finishing it because they were mad at her for stating facts and trying to enforce boundaries, the closer it got to actually publishing it, the more dread and panic filled her. This is not how one is supposed to feel about releasing a book.
She knows that she could do some controlled events with masks outside, but there are new variants of Covid going around and people are getting sick that are trying to still be careful. And she knows that seeing other local authors who are going to be doing their own events that she should be doing too.
Then there’s the media. Not that she expects to get famous, but the book was written many years before Covid. She never imagined that she wouldn’t be able to have a normal schedule of live events in her area. There are so many opportunities for book events in her area. How is she going to answer the questions that the media might ask.
Media: “Do you still love antiquing? How often do you go antiquing?”
The Trapped Butterfly: “I don’t get to go anymore because of Covid and our high risk of getting seriously ill.”
Media: “But other people with disabilities are out and about.”
The Trapped Butterfly: “Yeah and some are still dying from it.”
Media: Do you have any book events planned?”
The Trapped Butterfly: “Only private, controlled ones with people wearing masks.”
Cue up the laughter from the Covid deniers and the “how sad” but move right on with life from more sympathetic people. Yeah, no thanks.
She is dealing with an unbelievable ignorant, ableist world that has moved on from a virus that isn’t just a respiratory illness but a disease that attacks the body in ways we are just learning about. Yes, we are in a better place than we were last year with hospitalizations and deaths but we have not had a day where no deaths have happened in this country and other countries. Now hospitalizations are rising. There’s clear evidence from multiple research studies are showing that repeat infections of this virus is making people more likely to get seriously sick and die or get long term health problems. Covid is not the flu or a cold. It affects the nervous system, cardiovascular system, gastrointestinal system, and brain. Basically it attacks the whole body even with a mild case.
Then she’s having to deal with someone who is not Covid friendly which makes her sick. But she is making it work by being assertive. She should have done more research on the person. Yet, another mistake she made.
So another night she dreams about going back to school. They were in the wrong room and her professor came and found them. In her dream, The Trapped Butterfly was being pushed by someone else and they weren’t masked, thus, breathing on her. When her and her husband got into the correct classroom, they tried to sit where people wouldn’t sit right by them. Except they started crowding around her. She had a panic attack and started crying. Her husband got her out of there. She was sure that they would get Covid.
Dreams are weird. Some dreams she’s being normal with no worries about Covid. And others are just full of fear and panic.
After the going back to school dream, The Trapped Butterfly made the hard decision to delay releasing the book right now. She is terrified of getting this virus. She also doesn’t want to feel even more left out than she already does. So she is going to create a video and announce it to everyone. She feels selfish because she knows that the world needs another book like this. She knows that little children need a book to encourage them to keep fighting for their dreams and goals. But with the current uncertainty of the virus and even the uncertainty surrounding getting another shot soon is making her want to just cocoon herself again and do her best to enjoy the cosmic season of fall and early winter.
She is angry and sad. She still doesn’t understand why people are so ignorant and insensitive about the virus, thus, helping to make people who are trying to do everything right in order not to get sick, get sick. I wonder if some of these people would feel horrible if they found out that they put someone in the hospital by spreading it around instead of following proper precautions that are proven to prevent it. The media and government are not helping by downplaying it.
So here she is…Her birthday week…and her world continues to blow up all around her. Best to just cocoon and keep hoping that the day will eventually come when she is no longer trapped.
The Trapped Butterfly 