Category: peace

Heartbreak, Dream, Fall

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Trigger warning for pet loss

The Trapped Butterfly recently looked at her website and saw that the last time she wrote a story was in January. Now she knows why the Spirits didn’t want her to release her children’s book in March. Just a couple of weeks after her last story, their elderly 17.5 year old kitty, Patches started to be fearful of seemingly the water dish. Over the course of the weeks that followed, it became apparent that Patches was suffering from mouth and jaw pain.

In and out of the vet. They thought it was a dental issue and they were not able to get x-rays that probably would have shown them that a tumor was somewhere in her head and jaw. From February to March 28th, they did everything they could to manage her pain and keep her eating and drinking. She would do better for a while then take a huge turn for the worst.

March 17th was one of the days that Patches took a major turn for the worst and they couldn’t even get her in the emergency room until that night. It was a horrible day and night for them. The Trapped Butterfly and her husband were beyond worried and scared. Patches couldn’t eat or drink and she peed in her bed.

The Trapped Butterfly was so grateful that they had finally found a mask that would stay on her face so she could go into the vet. They were put in the room where they had helped their tabby cat, YP, cross the rainbow bridge almost seven years ago, and the PTSD was palpable. She was so scared that they were going to have to go through it again with Patches. They actually probably would have if Patches had cooperated with the head x-rays.

Everything came back normal as usual except for the resorption of a few teeth. The emergency room vet did bring up helping her cross the rainbow bridge but with only the knowledge that Patches had dental issues and everything else was fine except for the losing weight and horrible pain she was in, doing that felt like murder to The Trapped Butterfly.

Yet, her mind keeps visiting that night because while they were running test on Patches, she and her husband went outside to wait for a while and get out of that room.

The air was cool and crisp for an almost spring night. The sky was clear and deep black with the stars and the planets shining brightly above her. And her beloved moon was out! She stared at the moon and prayed for Patches. She got a few moments of peace. She even heard and saw an owl. It reminded her of the time when her mother-in-law was in the hospital with a tumor in her bladder. The doctor went into biopsy it. It was a risky procedure for her age. Her and her husband went outside for a break during the surgery, which is when The Trapped Butterfly looked up at the deep blue sky and prayed for her “mom” to be okay. A moment of peace. Thankfully, a miracle happened and her second mom would go on to live a few more years before she transitioned into Heaven. Now the night sky was giving her the same peace and comfort.

Patches was treated and went home that night. On the way home, they saw a group of deer. The headlights reflected off their eyes. It was so beautiful. Patches finally ate and was acting better once they got home in the wee hours of the night.

Just a week and a half later right after finally getting the dental work appointment set up, Patches took a massive turn for the worst and before they could completely wrap their heads around it, they were saying goodbye to their sweet baby girl.

They are still heartbroken and grieving. It was horrific especially when they didn’t even know exactly what was wrong with her. But they have been told by 2 vet techs and the vet that Patches more than likely developed a tumor in her head that affected her jaw and vision and caused immense pain.

The PTSD has been horrible for The Trapped Butterfly since the passing of her sweet baby girl. Their fur babies are like children to her and her husband.

Then there’s the ongoing pandemic that is still going on and killing thousands of people. But everyone wants to deny it except for those who are following the virus closely as well as being aware of the research showing that the virus is still harming the body in ways that people don’t understand or want to believe.

The Trapped Butterfly finally got to watch the sunset the other night since they don’t go out anymore at night in the summer. The mosquitoes are awful too. But now it’s getting dark earlier and it was a cool night.

Watching the last light of the day reflect orange and yellow off the top of the trees was magical. Watching it get darker until she saw a bright light in the sky. It was Venus. She saw the comet that won’t be this close to the earth again for another 80,000 years was amazing. Faint little light with a tail. Being the first sunset outside since Patches flew away brought up grief for The Trapped Butterfly. Patches has been giving so many signs of butterflies and moons as well as showing up herself in spirit form. She is one active kitty just like she was in life.

The Trapped Butterfly has been dealing with her own trauma as well as the world being literally on fire. So last night when she dreamt about her narcissistic mother, she actually felt the strong physical pain of grief in her dream.

The dream was that her narcissistic mother unexpectedly showed up at the house. The Trapped Butterfly was asleep when she showed up. Her husband turned her mother away and even the mother’s boyfriend.

When The Trapped Butterfly woke up in the dream, her husband informed her of what had happened. He even mimicked her mother as he explained that she said that she just thought she would stop by. She said she could come back later and she would even mask up. She offered to have her boyfriend come over to visit. But her husband said no.

Even though The Trapped Butterfly knew that her mother was manipulative, she felt her heart literally ache for her mother as well as the rejection that her husband had to give her.

When The Trapped Butterfly woke up from the dream, she felt sad and anxious. On top of that she had to inform her husband that another recent earring was hurting her and needed to be changed that day. Which meant going to the shop. Her husband had Shingles over the summer twice, therefore, he is still tired a lot. Going out on a whim isn’t easy for him nowadays. She didn’t dare tell him about the dream that had brought up a ton of emotions for her.

Tonight she got quiet, got off social media, and decided to watch some videos of Patches. She is so grateful to have so many and hear a lot of her different sounds and meows. She needed to finally process all of her feelings that are whirling around in her heart and head. Now it’s bedtime so she has to finish everything up. She wants to cry.

Yet, she knows that the Spirits are around her. The planets and stars and the moon are all shining in the night sky at this very moment even if she can’t see them.

The Fire, Christmas Lights, and The Moon

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly loves Christmas as does her husband. But life has done what life does to make Christmas bittersweet. And she has great Christmastime memories from childhood and not so great memories. They have lost loved ones, family, and friends which makes Christmas bittersweet.

However, that doesn’t stop them from decorating and enjoying the hell out of Christmas. She’s been desperately wanting another outside day with a fire that would go on until it got dark. It’s been about five years since they have had a fire outside when it was nighttime.

Today was a beautiful warm day for December. 56 degrees and not too windy. The Trapped Butterfly and her husband had agreed to an outside day with a fire. They were both in a good mood today so they played their silly games that only they understand. She had gotten some Mickey Mouse light up ears for fun and was looking forward to wearing them later when she was higher and in an even better mood. She told her husband that he was going to “get it.” Poor guy didn’t know what she was thinking.

It felt pretty warm out when he pushed her outside in her wheelchair. It was partly cloudy and she was disappointed that she probably wasn’t going to be able to see the stars and planets as she had been doing the previous times that they were out there until after dark. In fact, one night she had sat outside alone and was amazed by the colors of the sunset, the Christmas lights coming on, and then the planets and stars that eventually filled the night sky.

Today the fire was beautiful from the start. They used a cardboard box with sticks to get the fire going. There must have been plastic or something on the box that was making little fire sparks slide down to the ground. It was magical.

She meditated and watched the fire throughout the afternoon. Birds flew overhead and one was so loud when it squawked that it startled both her and her husband.

She drank cannabis infused juice and then she had a couple of shots of tequila! The higher she got, the more beautiful everything was getting. As the sun was setting, sparks of the fire went up to the sky. It got brighter and brighter. She kept saying, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

Getting goofy, she had her husband get her light up Mickey Mouse Christmas ears. He had turned on their outside Christmas lights and they were shining bright. She looked at a medal part of her wheelchair and it was so psychedelic from the reflection of the Christmas lights. She loved it.

She wore her ears for a while and got pictures. Then it was time to enact her plan on her husband to get him back for the games they played earlier. He, surprisingly, put the lighted ears on and took pictures! 😂😂. She was laughing so hard at him not figuring it out right away. Finally he got it and they laughed and played around. She kept wearing her ears.

It was getting darker and darker. Other Christmas lights were coming on in the neighborhood. So beautiful and cosmic. The fire got brighter and brighter. She hadn’t seen anything more beautiful in so long!

As they sat, a fox came up from the neighbor’s yard and began to cross the road. The fox made eye contact with them and got scared even though she was trying not to do anything to scare it away. It took off into the field across the road. They were both excited that they got to see a fox so close.

Similarly, that spring a baby deer ran across their yard. She always prays for animals because she doesn’t want them to get hit by cars and people can be so cruel. She loves animals.

As the night fell, the fire was allowed to dissipate and she watched what her husband calls, “Coal City.” A bunch of beautiful orange coals were flickering. It was beautiful.

She kept looking at all the Christmas lights throughout the neighborhood. The lights were so beautiful and she kept feeling herself relax. She also found herself remembering all the normal times that she had been outside at night—from childhood to adulthood. Being outside at night was a normal, frequent occurrence year round. She missed it all and noted at how much she, and all people, take for granted. Covid has at least made her more aware of everything that isn’t guaranteed in life. It’s easily taken away from you in an instant. Covid is on the rise again and, thankfully, The Trapped Butterfly and her husband have managed not to get it. Both are still sacrificing to avoid being infected by this nasty virus that is definitely damaging people’s bodies in ways that they don’t even understand.

While her husband was starting to put stuff away and put out the fire, she was sitting outside by herself and she saw a bright light through the fur tree. She looked and thought it was a street light but there’s no light there. She realized that it was the new moon! Tears streamed down her face. Her husband came out and she said, “Is that really the moon?” Her husband had been seeing it behind the house in the past month but there it was…A bright sliver of the moon. She was crying and saying “Thank you” to the Spirit world and the Universe and the moon for allowing her to see it. Soon the clouds covered the moon back up. She was just blown away by it and everything she was able to experience.

May there peace on Earth and goodwill towards men.

Venus, Stars, and Peace

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly had a great Halloween with her witch costume. Her hat lights up in purple. She actually got to update her Halloween knee with a purple witch, bat, purple Grateful Dead dancing skeleton, a UFO, and a vampire tattoo. She didn’t want to leave the coziness of the artist’s studio in the shop so she had him add more pink and purple sky background. He went crazy and it made everything pop even more.

She was on the usual high after a tattoo session. She couldn’t believe that she was able to get three projects done this year before having to take a break during the respiratory season since everyone is being so stupid with not taking Covid seriously anymore. Thankfully, she has two appointments with him this spring already. Even though, like the majority of people, he doesn’t mask up anymore, he definitely keeps up with the shots and wears a N95 mask with them to keep them safe. She is very grateful to have an artist who will make getting ink as safe as possible.

Unfortunately, the high didn’t last very long due to family members getting Covid again and the ongoing war against Hamas. People are just becoming so stupid. They don’t understand that they are supporting a terrorist organization that Israel must defeat. The Trapped Butterfly has tried to explain about Hamas to people who are seeing the destruction in Gaza and the innocent civilians being killed that don’t want to understand about Hamas using civilians as human shields. Of course, she gets blocked by friends for this. She also gets nowhere with trying to have a conversation with people. She is terrified at the world she lives in.

She woke up crabby this morning and decided she needed an outside day. The leaves crunched under them. She had fun looking at the different colors on the ground and what is left on the trees. Cute little squirrels ran around high in the trees. She worried about them falling being up so high but they knew what they were doing.

As the sun set, the trees with red and golden leaves were absolutely glowing in the sun. Everything just kept getting more and more beautiful. The silhouette of the dark trees against the orange and yellow sky was breathtaking. She eagerly started looking for stars.

Finally a planet and then another planet and then Venus! She was delighted to see what they believed were Mars, Jupiter, and Venus. Venus seems to be becoming her new friend and constant as she has seen her in every season. Even just looking out the windows at night in the summer when they no longer seem to be out at night due to their limited activities in order to protect themselves from getting Covid.

Tears filled The Trapped Butterfly’s eyes as she watched it get darker and darker with more stars filling the night sky. She prays to the Spirit World and aliens to please come help this horrible world. She wishes for peace and healing. She soaks up every second of the quiet, starlight evening before having to go back in the house to eat and do the nightly routine.

She is looking forward to having a fire soon and watching the night come. Little do humans know just how small and insignificant they are in the grand scheme of things.

Supernatural Beings and Peace

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She was sobbing. Hot tears streamed down her face and she had an unexpected, intense urge to go outside. Usually she wouldn’t even ask to go outside on the whim like that, but she just needed to get out and pray/send positive vibes up to the universe without the confines of the house.

The second her husband pushed her outside, her whole body relaxed despite the intense, unexplainable feelings that were surging through her. She cried and took some deep breaths as she looked at the beautiful orange and yellow sky with the sunset. She whispered softly at the almost night sky hoping that They would hear her. Both the aliens and the Spirits.

The movie that they had just watched was called, “Arrival,” which included alien beings coming to Earth to help mankind achieve the alien’s goal of world peace. Oh how she wishes that the world leaders would get high on marijuana and watch the movie.

There was also the concept of some being able to see their own future and how choosing to still do something that would be heartbreaking but so meaningful got to her. She often wonders nowadays if she would have made the same choices that she has made up to now despite the joys and the devastating pain that she has endured. There was one thing that she used to regret about her ex-chosen family…She had said she wished she had never met them. But now, despite some lingering pain that remains, she realizes that it is a part of her journey and she wouldn’t be the person she is now.

So many thoughts going through her mind right now but it’s all cosmic. She had been wanting to see the moon for a while now and while they were outside, she happened to turn her head to the side and looked up and there was the moon.

May You come and somehow bring peace and love and healing to this world. Please…….

Losing my religion

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She has been struggling with her faith for years now. She still believes in Jesus but that is about it when it comes to Christianity and Church doctrine. She prays regularly but it’s more about sending positive vibes out to the world as well as asking the Spiritual World to help in whatever way They can.

She was a devout Christian since she was 15. It gave her a community and a sense of belonging to something bigger. To be honest, she had always believed in Jesus and Heaven. Maybe her near death experience when she didn’t breathe for 40 minutes at birth is the reason why she found believing in Heaven and Jesus so easy for her. Or maybe she was just so desperate for unconditional love that she was easily sucked into the world of Christianity.

Over the years she continued to be faithful to the nondenominational church. Her husband became “saved” the first year of their relationship.

Unfortunately, they were blinded by what they truly believed was “Biblical.” The only thing that they knew was wrong with some Christians was the belief that they had to spank/hit their children from an early age in order to “discipline” them. But her abuse as well as watching young children grow up, she knew it wasn’t right for God to want young children to be hurt by their parents. She studied early childhood education in college and grad school. There is no doubt that spanking/hitting children is really not what the Christian God wants.

She spent years researching the Bible and the history behind the few verses that Christians use to defend their beliefs in spanking. She naively believed that if she could combine both the research of the Bible with the research of child development, she could change minds. Thus, writing a 500 page book on gentle parenting.

She did reach some who were open to gentle parenting but she got so much hate from Christians. Being called a heretic and satan. It was at this point that she started realizing that this whole Christianity thing might not be what she thought it was.

Then the series of traumatic events happened in the span of 8 years also chipped away at her Christian beliefs. She also became aware of the hatred of the Christian community depending upon which sect they were in.

She opened her eyes to the racism, bigotry, sexism, anti–LBGTQ community of most of the mainstream Christian community. Finally, the pandemic started and she saw how important it was for the majority of Christians to follow their “leader” (the former president) and not put the vulnerable first when it comes to masks and vaccines. She just said no to Christianity. It makes her sick. If people really think about it, half of the dogma is just hatred.

Through psychedelic experiences and the guidance of the Spiritual World, she has come to understand that almost everything religion teaches is not the truth. It is man. She can’t even engage with “Christianese.” She has her own personal beliefs and she is ok with others believing differently than her as long as they are not hurting others and being hateful towards others who are different.

Tonight she is feeling uncomfortable because she found out that one of her favorite tattoo celebrities is now a Christian and she just got baptized. Ironically, the celebrity got a lot of hate from fellow Christians who don’t like that she still wears gothic clothing and is a very gothic person. She is a very good person from what The Trapped Butterfly has seen throughout the years of following her. But it was totally unexpected to see her being baptized and she is attending a small Baptist church.

The Trapped Butterfly wished the celebrity well and told her her story in a comment. She hopes that the celebrity will remain true to herself and not get dragged into the dogma of the church.

It’s a very weird feeling to be unsettled about something that she used to celebrate with tears of joy and shouts of praise to “The Lord.” Now she’s worried about how it will change people for the worse due to the MAGA, etc. cults that are absolutely destroying America and people who are different from them. She has watched too many people come to this cult.

She is a spiritual person who is seeing the cruelty of people who are religious. Just look at Hamas. Just look at how the LBGTQ+ community is being attacked by Christians. Finally, look at how people are not being mindful of the disabled, immunocompromised, and the elderly with Covid.

She has been into witches and learning the true meaning of witchcraft which is not the satan worship that Christians have made it into. She hopes that the Spiritual World will continue to use her in whatever way They can. She is trying to be loving while rejecting the people who continue to oppress people.

She got the following tattoo earlier this month with a tattoo artist that understands about the risks of Covid to her and her husband. It fits with the wars going on right now as well as all the anger and hate going on in the world. Plus, still being trapped by Covid because people refuse to do the simplest things to protect each other makes the tattoo even more poignant.

May love and peace reign no matter what people believe. Just stop and let love run wild.

Red Sun, Smoke…Is This The Right Time?

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She looks out the small holes of the wooden blinds on the windows. The sun shines right at the house in the late spring and summer so they have to close the blinds at a certain time in the evening so it doesn’t blind them. It’s red from the smoke due to the horrible wildfires in Canada. She and her husband have been wanting to go outside but the air quality has been bad for people with asthma to be out for a prolonged period of time. It’s been very difficult for The Trapped Butterfly since they are still not able to live how they used to due to Covid. Smaller and smaller groups seem to be trying to avoid getting it or being reinfected with Covid despite the research showing that it is affecting health in pretty nasty ways.

As she looks at the red sun, she tries to see it as a sign that everything is going to work out with publishing her children’s book…Except the reality is that the thought of publishing it now that it’s finally done is scaring the living shit out of her.

Technically, The Trapped Butterfly is already a published author and has been called horrible names by Christian pro-spankers. She dealt with the trauma of the book not taking off and then finding out that the publisher was bad. They went to jail for embezzling money.

She is living through a terrifying time in her life…Well, it feels like it hasn’t really let up since her beloved mother in law went to Heaven. But this current situation with a virus that seems to be getting less severe and less acutely deadly than it was as well as all the division in the country with the narcissistic right wing cult of hatred, it feels terrifying to release a new book. She is fucking desperate to be able to interact with children in person!! She truly believes that people will come to her book events! But trying to explain her situation with Covid to people is scary because she has been laughed at as well as the typical bullshit the Covid deniers continue to spread when they see anything about Covid. Even her marketing agent was weird, unless she misunderstood, about having people wear masks for interviews and events.

She also had an unexpected wave of grief after speaking to her marketing agent. The sudden grief was about her biological family not being there for the first time in her life to cheer her on…Not that they did it for the right reasons but still…

Then she had a dream about her narcissistic mother that her mother had changed the book with other family members. Yet, The Trapped Butterfly was kind of happy to see her mother. She felt sad when they departed in the dream and she had to decide whether to have her mother back in her life in some way or not.

Of course, knowing how sick her mother truly is, there is very little chance that she will ever be able to have her mother back in her life. Her mother is incapable of truly forgiving. She only looks out for herself.

The Trapped Butterfly just feels more trapped again as well as overwhelmed. She knows that she will push through. The book will be published. And she will find ways to be able to safely do stuff without hurting/killing her husband or herself. But the uncertainty is killing her.

On top of all this, it’s also the worst time of year for her and her husband. They lost their beloved kitty almost 6 years ago so they still struggle with heavy grief and PTSD from the loss. Their sweet calico kitty is about to be 17 years old. The kitties were adopted and brought home together. She is so grateful for the calico continuing to do well with her kidney disease unlike her brother, but The Trapped Butterfly is fighting thoughts about the horrible loss of her someday… May they have a few more years with this sweet little kitty. May the quality of life for her kitty remain high too.

In the end, she has to trust that everything will work out how it is supposed to go. It will be fine…Yet, is this the right time for everything?

Dark Clouds, Sunshine, Venus, and More Dark Clouds

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

It’s been a good month for The Trapped Butterfly. The 20th wedding anniversary celebration was awesome! The rain stopped for it and despite the park having the wrong date for the shelter, the group that was using the shelter left without a problem.

Seeing people that they haven’t seen in years was wonderful. Not worrying too bad about Covid was wonderful! Everyone’s eyes were so sparkly. The trees were full of fresh buds springing to life. The temperature was perfect. The only annoying thing was the wind blowing at times.

Looking into his beautiful sparkly brown eyes as I they renewed their “vowels” as The Trapped Butterfly had been calling it was breathtaking. She actually can’t believe that she didn’t cry that much. The ceremony was led by her early childhood professor who is now a lifelong friend and the ceremony was full of laughter and love. Typical for The Trapped Butterfly and her husband as they have a both goofy yet sweet relationship. It came through in the ceremony!

Being around people again renewed her spirit and sense of hope that she will eventually get her life back. She looks forward to celebrating her children’s book that is finally almost finished and ready to be published!

So much trauma with this book. Her so-called friends wanted to help but they fucked them over. This true illustrator has gotten this done in about 8 months. It’s just about done!! Her “friends” didn’t keep working on it consistently and they quit because they were assholes.

While she is so excited about her book finally getting done, she is sad because she can’t do what she’s been hoping to do and go to libraries and schools to read the book. She hopes to have an outside book party with a plexiglass cube around her to avoid Covid exposure while, at least, getting to celebrate the book and see children. It’s heartbreaking that she hasn’t been around children for 3 years now. She misses it so much. Her husband thinks that with a cube around her and having it outside will be safe.

Despite all the beautiful sunshine from having major things finally going right, she feels the dark clouds still coming in as she deals with the fact that, yes, she hung out with people and celebrated her 20th wedding anniversary as well as her book getting done, she still isn’t completely freed yet. They are going to get their second bivalent shot next week, but unlike most people, they still can’t just be normal. They are terrified of Covid and she doesn’t have the ability to take the treatment for it. They are still trapped. But she is trying to hold onto hope that this won’t last too much longer. She has to accept the darkness of the clouds.

Plus, tomorrow is her narcissistic mother’s birthday and she hates it. It’s weird because she didn’t feel sad about her family not even knowing about the vow renewal. She didn’t miss them. She is grateful for the video her friend took of it because they haven’t watched their wedding video in years with so many nasty people that have hurt her deeply, but yet, she wishes she had a mom like she thought she did before everything finally blew up 4 years ago.

Then May 2nd is the 7th anniversary of her dear grandpa leaving the earth. She misses him so much. She can still hear herself screaming, “Grandpa, No! No! Grandpa!” Tears wick at her eyes writing that. He was far from perfect. They fought sometimes but they never let it go beyond that time and always ended on a loving note. He was the only family member that was able to have a healthy relationship with her.

She looks out the top of the window and she has been seeing Venus in the night sky. It gives her comfort as she continues to hope for more of the sunshine (without the heat) moments and faces the dark clouds that are always trying to overcome her.

Planets

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly has had her ups and downs in the past few weeks. Sitting outside until dusk in late February when it was unseasonably warm, she delighted in seeing Venus and Jupiter in the dusk sky. So beautiful and so far away. Whatever life forms that may be on those planets have no idea what is happening on Earth and we have no real idea what is happening there. Storms, yes, but who knows if there’s different life forms there that either are suffering or are peaceful…Perhaps they are both suffering and peaceful like here.

Then she was able to go back to the original tattoo shop for a new piercing and some much needed earring changes. The piercer actually remember them from when she used to be there sometimes twice a month for tattoos. The Trapped Butterfly had been afraid to go back there due to probably receiving the wrong information about stuff that happened years ago. But it seemed to be forgotten or not even thought about. It was weird to be back. The place is painted gray and is an open floor plan. The piercing was wonderful and just getting to be normal in a safe manner was wonderful.

She also has a tattoo appointment April 3rd with a tattoo artist that is willing to wear a mask and do it on a day off. She is going to try to rework the lizard leg that has been driving her crazy. It’s going to be emotional but she is so ready to even have it look completely different than what it was supposed to be.

Sleeping has been rough lately because she can’t sleep on her piercing and she has sores on her other ear. She keeps ordering pillows for this situation with holes in them, but they are too high for stomach sleeping. It just seems like she doesn’t belong in society anymore. No stomach pillows, people acting like Covid isn’t real threat anymore, having to make sure that they are safe. It’s exhausting and she feels unseen by most people who are supposed to understand. Not to mention that it’s Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month which gets very little attention despite it being the number one lifelong disability.

But this morning she was visited by the moon and the planets. In her dream, they were so close and big in the sky that it was almost as if she could reach up and touch them. The moon was bright white. Then Venus was so bright and colorful. So was Jupiter, Saturn, and Neptune. It was a very trippy dream. One in which she could have stayed in forever. No ableism, no Covid, no pain, no struggles. Just pure wonderment and awe as the planets kept coming up in the sky.

Maybe it’s the spirit world trying to keep her up as she continues to deal with the reality of what she has lost. Moments of peace and beauty are what make her keep going in this life that she honestly doesn’t want to live anymore but she has no choice but to love her husband and kitties while they wait for an easier time to come.

Monday Again…

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The following is a short poem by The Trapped Butterfly’s husband while they sat outside on an unseasonably warm February afternoon that turned into evening. The sunset was beautiful orange and red. Two planets could be seen in the twilight sky. Crickets were chirping. Children were happily screaming and laughing throughout the neighborhood. A beautiful moment of peace for both of them. The smell of someone having a fire reminded them of a sacred park.

Monday Again…

I feel contempt for fellow man
lost in contrived reality.
Allowing tolerance to soothe my confused mind
to give me peace
in the madness.
Let there be Bliss.
— me

Who she truly is

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is feeling at a complete loss again. In April, she and her husband are going to be celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary! 20 years of marriage and love have made it through so much shit. From her abusive dad’s disowning to his sudden death almost four months after they got married. The marriage has survived her mental health issues and his issues from being on antidepressants. It’s survived losses that have made them sob. And it has survived the realization that her mother is a narcissist. Being physically disabled as well as all the dysfunction of her family has made their relationship harder than most. Not to mention their age difference has made people feel weird. Their problem!!

Now it’s surviving the ongoing pandemic that everyone is trying desperately to ignore even more, therefore, making life miserable and dangerous for everyone who is high risk and immunocompromised.

The Trapped Butterfly is incredibly proud of her marriage. She never thought she would ever find a man who would love her the way he does. She means wiping someone’s ass several times a day isn’t exactly romantic, but it’s a way that he loves her through doing all the care she requires 24/7. He has said many times that “he gets to care for her.” It’s his choice to do this.

So naturally she wants to do something special for their wedding anniversary. But Covid doesn’t make it a easy. They used to be able to plan stuff and go to concerts and stuff, but not anymore. Without Covid, they would probably find a fun event/concert to go to or take a day trip to explore a city or town. Yeah, they still had to think about how her needs would fit in with the plans and just plan it out, but they were able to go have fun with just the “normal” complications of having a severe disability.

Now they can’t do anything without a major plan to stay safe from Covid. She can’t bear not to be “normal” and celebrate her anniversary. She came up with a vow renewal and a small simple celebration. But trying to find a venue that would be totally private and safe from Covid isn’t easy. Her former professor, now friend, is trying to find a place. They still need a photographer that will wear a mask correctly.

Why can’t this be easy??

Yesterday she was feeling really overwhelmed and was listening to music when the song, “I Don’t Know You Anymore” by Savage Garden came on. That song is about ex lovers, but for her it reminds her of her family and friends that have hurt her to the point of not being able to have them in their life anymore. She misses them so much, which is confusing. Why does she even still love them so much?

The lyrics below are words she wishes some of her family and friends would say to her since she has always been willing to apologize and accept the part she played in the hurt.

"I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day."

But it’s highly doubtful that that will ever happen because it would have already if they were healthy emotionally.

But it hit her in the moment that she absolutely craves healthy, peaceful relationships with people. Her parents didn’t teach her how to handle her emotions. She is a hot head and lashes out. However, this has improved since she started meditating with the Calm app. She is human. She doesn’t have it all figured out yet, and living in ongoing quarantine to avoid getting Covid that’s killing people even if the death isn’t right away has made her struggle with her anger, anxiety, and depression like she never has before.

She now realizes that she has craved peace since she was a child. Yes, she had time when they were enjoying stuff. She loved, for the most part, being at her grandparents’ house when they took care of her in the summer. She loved being with friends and going out. All the normal kid stuff.

Still, at any given moment, her dad could get angry and the yelling would start. If it were one of the kids, sometimes the hitting soon followed. If it was with her mother, the yelling would get louder and louder and sometimes things got thrown. She remembers this from her toddler years. She would cry and scream because she just wanted it to stop. She also was left in her room to cry so she has trouble with self-regulation.

She can feel herself now when she’s upset saying something that she doesn’t really want to say but she can’t always control it. She beats herself up for not being able to stop it. But she’s truly a peaceful person. Not a submissive person. Fuck that! She will always stand up for herself and fight for causes. But she desires peace.

She often wonders who she would be now that it’s been almost four years since she wrote that heartbreaking letter to her narcissistic mother to get her to get help for a year and went no contact. Sadly, her mother proved she was, indeed, narcissistic and did a bunch of horrible shit until they finally blocked her on the phone. Who would she be if Covid never happened and she was able to really work with her therapist to cope with life without her mother and family? She knows that she would always have her anxiety, depression, PTSD, and CPTSD, but would she be happier? Would she be more able to cope with it?

It’s sad that she will never know the answers to these questions. All she can do is try to keep hoping that a true breakthrough for Covid will come in the next few years to let them live their lives again before age catches up with them even more. May she remember that she desires peace. And may they be able to safely celebrate their 20th anniversary in April with a few friends. They definitely deserve it!!!