Category: Pain

Heartbreak, Dream, Fall

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Trigger warning for pet loss

The Trapped Butterfly recently looked at her website and saw that the last time she wrote a story was in January. Now she knows why the Spirits didn’t want her to release her children’s book in March. Just a couple of weeks after her last story, their elderly 17.5 year old kitty, Patches started to be fearful of seemingly the water dish. Over the course of the weeks that followed, it became apparent that Patches was suffering from mouth and jaw pain.

In and out of the vet. They thought it was a dental issue and they were not able to get x-rays that probably would have shown them that a tumor was somewhere in her head and jaw. From February to March 28th, they did everything they could to manage her pain and keep her eating and drinking. She would do better for a while then take a huge turn for the worst.

March 17th was one of the days that Patches took a major turn for the worst and they couldn’t even get her in the emergency room until that night. It was a horrible day and night for them. The Trapped Butterfly and her husband were beyond worried and scared. Patches couldn’t eat or drink and she peed in her bed.

The Trapped Butterfly was so grateful that they had finally found a mask that would stay on her face so she could go into the vet. They were put in the room where they had helped their tabby cat, YP, cross the rainbow bridge almost seven years ago, and the PTSD was palpable. She was so scared that they were going to have to go through it again with Patches. They actually probably would have if Patches had cooperated with the head x-rays.

Everything came back normal as usual except for the resorption of a few teeth. The emergency room vet did bring up helping her cross the rainbow bridge but with only the knowledge that Patches had dental issues and everything else was fine except for the losing weight and horrible pain she was in, doing that felt like murder to The Trapped Butterfly.

Yet, her mind keeps visiting that night because while they were running test on Patches, she and her husband went outside to wait for a while and get out of that room.

The air was cool and crisp for an almost spring night. The sky was clear and deep black with the stars and the planets shining brightly above her. And her beloved moon was out! She stared at the moon and prayed for Patches. She got a few moments of peace. She even heard and saw an owl. It reminded her of the time when her mother-in-law was in the hospital with a tumor in her bladder. The doctor went into biopsy it. It was a risky procedure for her age. Her and her husband went outside for a break during the surgery, which is when The Trapped Butterfly looked up at the deep blue sky and prayed for her “mom” to be okay. A moment of peace. Thankfully, a miracle happened and her second mom would go on to live a few more years before she transitioned into Heaven. Now the night sky was giving her the same peace and comfort.

Patches was treated and went home that night. On the way home, they saw a group of deer. The headlights reflected off their eyes. It was so beautiful. Patches finally ate and was acting better once they got home in the wee hours of the night.

Just a week and a half later right after finally getting the dental work appointment set up, Patches took a massive turn for the worst and before they could completely wrap their heads around it, they were saying goodbye to their sweet baby girl.

They are still heartbroken and grieving. It was horrific especially when they didn’t even know exactly what was wrong with her. But they have been told by 2 vet techs and the vet that Patches more than likely developed a tumor in her head that affected her jaw and vision and caused immense pain.

The PTSD has been horrible for The Trapped Butterfly since the passing of her sweet baby girl. Their fur babies are like children to her and her husband.

Then there’s the ongoing pandemic that is still going on and killing thousands of people. But everyone wants to deny it except for those who are following the virus closely as well as being aware of the research showing that the virus is still harming the body in ways that people don’t understand or want to believe.

The Trapped Butterfly finally got to watch the sunset the other night since they don’t go out anymore at night in the summer. The mosquitoes are awful too. But now it’s getting dark earlier and it was a cool night.

Watching the last light of the day reflect orange and yellow off the top of the trees was magical. Watching it get darker until she saw a bright light in the sky. It was Venus. She saw the comet that won’t be this close to the earth again for another 80,000 years was amazing. Faint little light with a tail. Being the first sunset outside since Patches flew away brought up grief for The Trapped Butterfly. Patches has been giving so many signs of butterflies and moons as well as showing up herself in spirit form. She is one active kitty just like she was in life.

The Trapped Butterfly has been dealing with her own trauma as well as the world being literally on fire. So last night when she dreamt about her narcissistic mother, she actually felt the strong physical pain of grief in her dream.

The dream was that her narcissistic mother unexpectedly showed up at the house. The Trapped Butterfly was asleep when she showed up. Her husband turned her mother away and even the mother’s boyfriend.

When The Trapped Butterfly woke up in the dream, her husband informed her of what had happened. He even mimicked her mother as he explained that she said that she just thought she would stop by. She said she could come back later and she would even mask up. She offered to have her boyfriend come over to visit. But her husband said no.

Even though The Trapped Butterfly knew that her mother was manipulative, she felt her heart literally ache for her mother as well as the rejection that her husband had to give her.

When The Trapped Butterfly woke up from the dream, she felt sad and anxious. On top of that she had to inform her husband that another recent earring was hurting her and needed to be changed that day. Which meant going to the shop. Her husband had Shingles over the summer twice, therefore, he is still tired a lot. Going out on a whim isn’t easy for him nowadays. She didn’t dare tell him about the dream that had brought up a ton of emotions for her.

Tonight she got quiet, got off social media, and decided to watch some videos of Patches. She is so grateful to have so many and hear a lot of her different sounds and meows. She needed to finally process all of her feelings that are whirling around in her heart and head. Now it’s bedtime so she has to finish everything up. She wants to cry.

Yet, she knows that the Spirits are around her. The planets and stars and the moon are all shining in the night sky at this very moment even if she can’t see them.

Lost? Yes. Found? Not sure.

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is experiencing extreme depression and anxiety. She didn’t want the Christmas season to end. She struggled to settle completely in this season as once Halloween was over, she started finding out about some liberals, including ex-friends, were anti-Israel. She has too many Jewish friends who have been loyal to her and are good people to just follow the liberal agenda of Israel committing “genocide” in Gaza. She understands that Hamas uses its own people as human shields. She stood her ground and still does when it comes to the Jewish community and Israel. Yet, she has nothing but compassion for the innocent people who are suffering because of the war.

However, it was still painful to find out again that the people she thought were “her people” really weren’t. This caused her anger and anxiety which spilled into her life. Thankfully, she has pretty much gone through the process and has limited her self with social media.

The other thing that made it hard for The Trapped Butterfly to completely settle in to the most cosmic time of year was worry and frustration over family as well as her book. A family member is really struggling right now and has been for months.

She dreaded the New Year because she knows that even though the death rate for Covid this fall and winter has been slightly lower than last year and definitely dramatically lower than the previous 3 years, it’s still too high. They have been back to where they basically were last year. People are still dying daily and everyone is ignoring it. Hospitalizations are still higher for Covid than they are for the flu and RSV season. Basically, even though we’re, maybe, making some progress in the pandemic, it’s not enough to be safe living normally for her husband and her.

She has been trying to find her way. Her friends pushed her to get a petition going to try to get masks back in medical facilities year-round in her state. She knows she needs to make a difference in the world so she felt like the Spirit World wanted her to do it. Even with the knowledge that most petitions don’t succeed, she finds herself doing what she did with her first book, with her gofundme campaign, and other efforts to create change…Feeling like she is trying to get positive attention, not getting it easily, and taking it personally. Feeling like she has to do all this stuff that she doesn’t feel like she’s good at.

Wanting to remain open to the Spirit World and trying to find her place in a world where she is even more not welcome in, she set up a meeting with the marketing agent that she still wishes she would have taken her time to find someone who would really meet her needs. She gave in to the need to help people as well as the need to be victorious in getting her children’s book published after all the years of trauma that she has endured to finally get it illustrated and published and hired the guy without knowing that he is a right wing person. Usually this wouldn’t be an issue but with Covid, is for her. It was much easier when the book was in the process of being illustrated. If it wasn’t finished, she couldn’t publish it. She, naively, thought that Covid would be safe for them by the time it was ready. That is not what happened and this year she has lost hope that “this will be the year that they will finally figure something out and she will be free again.”

So when they video chatted with the marketing guy, she was trying to be open. He didn’t want to help with the petition and he gave her “tough love.” Ironically, she hates that word and she believes that she actually shut herself down. She didn’t want to lash out. She wanted to be open and hear him out about going ahead with publishing the book for Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month in March. And he is right about the fact that kids need this book. Something else that is bugging her big time. There’s not a children’s book like hers out there and it’s got to get out there. He said that it’s not what we want but we can make it work with online events and interviews. The Trapped Butterfly is trying to get used to the idea of not being able to do the book traditionally.

She still had that gripping pain in her chest as her husband was in agreement with the agent. She agreed while getting emotional about how badly she wants to be in the public doing events. It’s obvious that society has a real empathy problem. They don’t care if the vulnerable live or die or her petition would have thousands of signatures…Actually, there wouldn’t be a need to have a petition for masks in medical facilities because they would still be doing it anyway.

After the meeting, she felt proud of herself for being calm and open about this. But the pain in her chest remained. She reached out to a few trusted people to process it. Then the person who delivered her prescription, got the wrong prescription as the pharmacy got it wrong. So they rushed out to get the right prescription before the pharmacy closed. Nighttime drive.

Despite the anxiety and stress, she tried to enjoy the ride. The sunset was fiery pink, orange, red, and purple. Beautiful. The lights were bright and beautiful. The darkness of the trees in the forest were beautiful. Some houses had white lights still on. Despite the awfulness of the situation and having empathy for her husband who had to snuff out the cigar he was smoking as well as the physical pain he felt to do everything he had to do to get them over there in time, she knew this would probably be the last time she would be in the vehicle at night.

Her mind keeps racing. Her emotions are everywhere. So she is trying to practice her meditation as well as self care. During her “talk” with herself during the time her husband was cleaning up after dinner and feeding the cats, she found her mind going crazy and started to feel panic. She started softly talking to herself as if she was her best friend.

During the talk, she discovered a pattern. Instead of dealing with the conflict in her about the book, she shut down. She didn’t want to argue about it. She just agreed and figured that the fear would go away. Maybe it will. However, despite being a fighter and a firebrand, there are still times when she would just go along with whatever it was. She did it with her family, her friends, and her husband. They probably didn’t realize it because she didn’t even realize it until now. Plus, the abusers got what they wanted from her. It’s healthy to do it occasionally with your spouse but it’s a definite pattern in her.

The Trapped Butterfly knows how to stand her ground, but yet, she is still a people pleaser. Plus, abuse can make one afraid to stand up for themselves. She believes that she did this during the meeting.

Then she found herself questioning her instincts. She felt that she didn’t have good instincts, but she was able to look back at the past 4 years and see how she has made very difficult decisions in order to keep them safe from Covid. She is doing the best she can with all the hell she’s been through the past few years and more.

She often still worries about being a narcissist and being too much like her parents. But she found herself wanting to write people back instead of writing this story. If she was a narcissist, she would not give a fuck about anything but what she wants.

She keeps thinking that she wants to talk to her therapist about this. She cried softly and tried to tell herself that she is doing remarkably well with her situation. She has been going through hell, but still finds ways to incorporate joy in her life.

She really needs to explore with her therapist about her fear versus her instincts because she’s just not sure what is what. She needs to put herself first. Yet, she needs purpose.

She needs to explore why she shuts down sometimes and agrees to things whether it’s right or wrong. Sometimes she just isn’t aware she’s doing it. It feels right in the moment. But with the big stuff, she needs to figure this out before she gets herself in more trouble than she can handle…again…

And she is always looking outside for answers and guidance. This is normal and healthy behavior, but she does need to be able to look inside herself to find answers. She has to trust herself. But how? It’s so hard when things are really hard and she has to make the best decision when they all feel wrong.

For now, she is proud of herself for becoming aware of the fact that she was triggered by the meeting, feels so much pressure to do the book from herself, and for talking to herself as a best friend would. Not offering advice except to take the time to write this story which people may or may not relate to or enjoy but it helps her feel better. She will also remember that she looked up at the sky when they got home from picking up her correct prescription and saw the moon through the clouds. The moon, Spirits, and herself are always with her.

Trapped Butterfly, you got this. You are not alone. We will figure this out. You are doing amazingly well in this unprecedented time we’re living through. You are not alone!

Supernatural Beings and Peace

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She was sobbing. Hot tears streamed down her face and she had an unexpected, intense urge to go outside. Usually she wouldn’t even ask to go outside on the whim like that, but she just needed to get out and pray/send positive vibes up to the universe without the confines of the house.

The second her husband pushed her outside, her whole body relaxed despite the intense, unexplainable feelings that were surging through her. She cried and took some deep breaths as she looked at the beautiful orange and yellow sky with the sunset. She whispered softly at the almost night sky hoping that They would hear her. Both the aliens and the Spirits.

The movie that they had just watched was called, “Arrival,” which included alien beings coming to Earth to help mankind achieve the alien’s goal of world peace. Oh how she wishes that the world leaders would get high on marijuana and watch the movie.

There was also the concept of some being able to see their own future and how choosing to still do something that would be heartbreaking but so meaningful got to her. She often wonders nowadays if she would have made the same choices that she has made up to now despite the joys and the devastating pain that she has endured. There was one thing that she used to regret about her ex-chosen family…She had said she wished she had never met them. But now, despite some lingering pain that remains, she realizes that it is a part of her journey and she wouldn’t be the person she is now.

So many thoughts going through her mind right now but it’s all cosmic. She had been wanting to see the moon for a while now and while they were outside, she happened to turn her head to the side and looked up and there was the moon.

May You come and somehow bring peace and love and healing to this world. Please…….

Down in a Hole

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Alice In Chains blasted from the wireless speaker that her sister-in-law gave them years ago. The Trapped Butterfly was having a meltdown and her husband was helpless to help again after the meeting with the marketing agent working with her to get her children’s book published and out there!

The book is beautiful! The illustrator is excellent and got it all done in roughly 8 months. It’s now ready to be uploaded to Amazon. This will be happening this week. It’s still a few weeks away from being ready to be available to the public. She is grateful for that because, again, she feels like she doesn’t know if it’s the right time to publish the book.

Covid has gotten better the past few months but people are still dying from it when the flu is not around yet. There’s yet to be a week with no deaths in the country and world. Plus, long Covid is still an issue. People are accepting the unacceptable. Sure, 500 deaths per week is so much better than the thousands of deaths per week earlier in the pandemic. In March of this year, it was 1800 deaths per week. But people are still dying!

Her marketing agent is wonderful! However, in order to try to get people to come to events that will have to be outside, no “trigger words” can be used. She knows that the idiots get all mean and stupid when Covid and anything related to Covid is mentioned. Fewer people are masking regularly. She isn’t able to mask because of spasms and even if they are able to get it to stay on, it will further impede her ability to speak. She has wracked her brain to try to figure out how to do some events in person safely. Masking appropriately would make it safer for her and her husband to do so. Yet, it appears that that’s not possible from the marketing standpoint. So a bunch of people who may or may not be up to date with the vaccines will be interacting with them. Her husband will be taking credit cards and money from them. He is going to be helping her sign books. This puts him (and her since he is her 24 hour caregiver) at risk even though he will be masked as usual.

She watches other people live their lives in blissful chosen ignorance. She doesn’t know if she’s able to tolerate watching other authors doing the local events. She feels so robbed of something that is supposed to be joyful and fun!!

Thankfully, a little over a week ago she finally got some freedom safely. She sat in the cozy room that they were able to enter from the outside to avoid the rest of the tattoo shop. It was decorated with various weird things and artwork. The artist is so nice and willing to accommodate them! He finished the lizard leg that had been an open wound for 2 years. The needle stabbed her millions of times over the course of almost 3 hours. They could hear people talking in the main area of the shop. It felt wonderful!

Every time she looked at the progress of her leg, she was so happy and blown away. The artist wasn’t even fazed by her spasms. He created a beautiful piece out of a shitty outline. When it was finished, she was raw, but just stared at it especially when they had to go to the front desk to pay. Her husband remained masked and didn’t get close to anyone. While she waited for them to come back, she just kept staring at it and smiling.

Dark purple flower pedals. Green iguana with a grayish blue background. Bright peach desert flowers with green leaves and more grayish blue shading with the desert flower fauna. It could not have come out better—even if the original artist had finished it.

It’s still healing. Every time she sees it, she smiles at it instead of cursing it in her head or telling her late iguana that it will get done soon. She is so happy to have ink back in her life with an artist that is up to date with the Covid shots. He is also very like-minded about a number of other issues that are going on right now.

Why can’t there be more people like him? Also, she has been promoting the fact that July is Disability Pride Month. Until a couple years ago she didn’t even know about Disability Pride Month because the damn mainstream media ignores it. People with disabilities have been the most ignored minority with laws that used to not even allow them to be in public. Disability rights are constantly in jeopardy, especially now with the right wing cult trying to take away women’s rights and the LBGTQ+ community is also being attacked by the right wing cult. Taking away the rights of transgender individuals to get gender affirming care, not allowing transgender people to use the bathroom of the gender in which they identify, and not allowing them to change their gender on their driver’s licenses or ID cards. She is grateful to live in a state where these rights are protected.

She tries to calm her heart and anxiety. But as Alice In Chains sings, she is “down in a hole. Feeling so small. She wants to flllllyyyyy.”

Dark Clouds, Sunshine, Venus, and More Dark Clouds

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

It’s been a good month for The Trapped Butterfly. The 20th wedding anniversary celebration was awesome! The rain stopped for it and despite the park having the wrong date for the shelter, the group that was using the shelter left without a problem.

Seeing people that they haven’t seen in years was wonderful. Not worrying too bad about Covid was wonderful! Everyone’s eyes were so sparkly. The trees were full of fresh buds springing to life. The temperature was perfect. The only annoying thing was the wind blowing at times.

Looking into his beautiful sparkly brown eyes as I they renewed their “vowels” as The Trapped Butterfly had been calling it was breathtaking. She actually can’t believe that she didn’t cry that much. The ceremony was led by her early childhood professor who is now a lifelong friend and the ceremony was full of laughter and love. Typical for The Trapped Butterfly and her husband as they have a both goofy yet sweet relationship. It came through in the ceremony!

Being around people again renewed her spirit and sense of hope that she will eventually get her life back. She looks forward to celebrating her children’s book that is finally almost finished and ready to be published!

So much trauma with this book. Her so-called friends wanted to help but they fucked them over. This true illustrator has gotten this done in about 8 months. It’s just about done!! Her “friends” didn’t keep working on it consistently and they quit because they were assholes.

While she is so excited about her book finally getting done, she is sad because she can’t do what she’s been hoping to do and go to libraries and schools to read the book. She hopes to have an outside book party with a plexiglass cube around her to avoid Covid exposure while, at least, getting to celebrate the book and see children. It’s heartbreaking that she hasn’t been around children for 3 years now. She misses it so much. Her husband thinks that with a cube around her and having it outside will be safe.

Despite all the beautiful sunshine from having major things finally going right, she feels the dark clouds still coming in as she deals with the fact that, yes, she hung out with people and celebrated her 20th wedding anniversary as well as her book getting done, she still isn’t completely freed yet. They are going to get their second bivalent shot next week, but unlike most people, they still can’t just be normal. They are terrified of Covid and she doesn’t have the ability to take the treatment for it. They are still trapped. But she is trying to hold onto hope that this won’t last too much longer. She has to accept the darkness of the clouds.

Plus, tomorrow is her narcissistic mother’s birthday and she hates it. It’s weird because she didn’t feel sad about her family not even knowing about the vow renewal. She didn’t miss them. She is grateful for the video her friend took of it because they haven’t watched their wedding video in years with so many nasty people that have hurt her deeply, but yet, she wishes she had a mom like she thought she did before everything finally blew up 4 years ago.

Then May 2nd is the 7th anniversary of her dear grandpa leaving the earth. She misses him so much. She can still hear herself screaming, “Grandpa, No! No! Grandpa!” Tears wick at her eyes writing that. He was far from perfect. They fought sometimes but they never let it go beyond that time and always ended on a loving note. He was the only family member that was able to have a healthy relationship with her.

She looks out the top of the window and she has been seeing Venus in the night sky. It gives her comfort as she continues to hope for more of the sunshine (without the heat) moments and faces the dark clouds that are always trying to overcome her.

Again…Really???

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly’s eyes and head hurt from just crying and sobbing! Her mind keeps spinning as she tries to process what her husband said after watching Downton Abbey. The character, Sybil, needlessly dies after having her baby due to the doctor and her father not wanting to listen to the other doctor who had known her her whole life and knew she was experiencing Preeclampsia. Had they gotten her to the hospital and delivered her baby via C-section, she and the baby girl would both have probably lived.

Of course, earlier today The Trapped Butterfly had a doctors appointment via telehealth where she asked about the treatment, Paxlovid, for Covid. Due to her severe cerebral palsy, she has trouble taking pills and is unable to take any that are not small. Even those can be a nightmare to swallow. So if The Trapped Butterfly gets Covid, her doctor said that she would put her on the Z-Pack (liquid) to prevent any nasty bacteria and steroids. Basically the treatment that was given at the start of the pandemic. Isn’t that nice?? Just symptom treatment and not something that is proven to keep most people at risk of severe illness from Covid out of the hospital or dying.

She was encouraged that the doctor said she was seeing milder cases recently.

But the fact that The Trapped Butterfly has to solely rely on the shots that she has gotten to fight it off made her cry a little right after the appointment. Then watching this heartbreaking episode of Downton Abbey made her husband finally breakdown and tell her that he was terrified of the tattoo appointment on Monday. The artist isn’t vaccinated against Covid and when The Trapped Butterfly checked in with her, she claimed she couldn’t find a N95 mask and to please bring one with a laugh. Her husband isn’t comfortable with her at all.

The Trapped Butterfly knows he is right and feels stupid for making the appointment in desperation to get this damn lizard leg done. But now she has to cancel again. She worries about how it will be received and if it will ruin other chances of getting ink. She is terrified of not finding someone to do it and do a cover up for her. She is terrified of her life being stolen even more. Why’d Roo and Yellow Man have to turn out to be fucked up assholes?

Sadness, anger, despair, exhaustion, fear and panic keep running rampant through her. Thankfully her meditation practice along with pot and a few shots of tequila with a beer are helping her to feel it without running away. It’s hurting so much. She talks to herself like a mother would….

“It’s ok, Little One.” “It’s ok to cry and be sad and angry.” “I know you’re having so many scary thoughts.” “You got this.”

She was looking forward to seeing what the artist would do with the tattoo. She was looking forward to a break from her life and the fact that she was choosing the pain of the tattoo. And finally having her leg look different…but again…It’s being ripped away from her because fucking Covid could still really hurt her and she doesn’t want her husband to watch her die an awful death. And despite it getting better, she doesn’t want to see her husband die from it either.

She hopes that the anniversary celebration will happen. Is anything safe? Why can’t they get a vaccine that will prevent it? Why????

For now she will use the following memory to try to get her through.

She’s lying on the soft orange carpet in front of her grandparents’ fireplace with a round coffee table in the middle of the room. She is lying on a soft pillow and is covered with a blanket. Grandpa is lying right next to her watching tv. She must have been sleepy because she has her head turned towards her grandpa and is looking at the shirt he is wearing. He is warm and she feels very safe with him. The shirt has the city of Chicago on it which is where she had just taken a school field trip.

She will fall asleep and will be carried to their bed without waking up. She is safe with her grandpa….

Planets

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly has had her ups and downs in the past few weeks. Sitting outside until dusk in late February when it was unseasonably warm, she delighted in seeing Venus and Jupiter in the dusk sky. So beautiful and so far away. Whatever life forms that may be on those planets have no idea what is happening on Earth and we have no real idea what is happening there. Storms, yes, but who knows if there’s different life forms there that either are suffering or are peaceful…Perhaps they are both suffering and peaceful like here.

Then she was able to go back to the original tattoo shop for a new piercing and some much needed earring changes. The piercer actually remember them from when she used to be there sometimes twice a month for tattoos. The Trapped Butterfly had been afraid to go back there due to probably receiving the wrong information about stuff that happened years ago. But it seemed to be forgotten or not even thought about. It was weird to be back. The place is painted gray and is an open floor plan. The piercing was wonderful and just getting to be normal in a safe manner was wonderful.

She also has a tattoo appointment April 3rd with a tattoo artist that is willing to wear a mask and do it on a day off. She is going to try to rework the lizard leg that has been driving her crazy. It’s going to be emotional but she is so ready to even have it look completely different than what it was supposed to be.

Sleeping has been rough lately because she can’t sleep on her piercing and she has sores on her other ear. She keeps ordering pillows for this situation with holes in them, but they are too high for stomach sleeping. It just seems like she doesn’t belong in society anymore. No stomach pillows, people acting like Covid isn’t real threat anymore, having to make sure that they are safe. It’s exhausting and she feels unseen by most people who are supposed to understand. Not to mention that it’s Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month which gets very little attention despite it being the number one lifelong disability.

But this morning she was visited by the moon and the planets. In her dream, they were so close and big in the sky that it was almost as if she could reach up and touch them. The moon was bright white. Then Venus was so bright and colorful. So was Jupiter, Saturn, and Neptune. It was a very trippy dream. One in which she could have stayed in forever. No ableism, no Covid, no pain, no struggles. Just pure wonderment and awe as the planets kept coming up in the sky.

Maybe it’s the spirit world trying to keep her up as she continues to deal with the reality of what she has lost. Moments of peace and beauty are what make her keep going in this life that she honestly doesn’t want to live anymore but she has no choice but to love her husband and kitties while they wait for an easier time to come.

Dreams about them

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The past two nights The Trapped Butterfly has been dreaming about her once chosen family. Check out Fuck you, Roo!! for a little context into something that was seemingly so beautiful and cosmic into something so dark, hateful, and ruthless. Obviously, The Trapped Butterfly is still struggling with the whole thing because she still loves them. She wishes she could fix it and get it back for her and her husband.

She wishes she didn’t still miss them as well as her narcissistic mother and her whole biological family because they have all hurt her so deeply that she should have nothing but hate for them. Believe her, she has had plenty of times when she has hated them as the hurt, anger, and rage shake throughout her body making her want to lash out. But she knows better and that isn’t who she is.

The Trapped Butterfly has been having a lot of thoughts since the fall and can’t believe how isolated they are. Yes, they still have a lot of friends and professors who care about them and have helped them. But they have lost their main support system due to Covid, selfishness, and finally, crushing malicious narcissism. Yes, in some relationships she has had a part in this, but it was not always her fault despite what they said. Yet, she is so used to being blamed for everything that she has blamed herself at times. Yet, she apologized to those who she had offended but they didn’t accept her apology.

So both of her dreams the past two nights have been about working it out with Roo and Mr. Yellow. It was a long dream but they were at their house. Other people were around. Roo even talked about where to put something her mother gave her.

Finally, The Trapped Butterfly was able to get one on one with Roo. She tearfully explained to Roo how sorry she was for hurting them. She honestly never ever meant to. Eventually Roo softened her stance and forgave her. They were able to come to terms with everything.

Mr. Yellow was very reluctant to speak to The Trapped Butterfly. She would look at him and he would turn away from her. After several pleas to talk to Mr. Yellow, Roo got him to come talk to her.

Again, The Trapped Butterfly tearfully explains that she never meant to hurt him and she was so sorry. Mr. Yellow got teary eyed and hugged her. She ended up getting them back and they all just moved on.

She hated it when she woke up in the morning. It was one of those dreams that continued despite her brief awakenings throughout the night. It made her feel sad and depressed.

The very next night she had another long dream about them. This time they were taking care of her while her husband had to go do something. With her severe cerebral palsy, she truly can’t be left alone at all and sometimes this crosses over into her dreams.

In this dream, Mr. Yellow was carrying her around the house and Roo did some dressing and she sat with her on the couch so that The Trapped Butterfly wouldn’t fall over. It was normal except for some weird people popping in and out. But they were high and goofing around like they used to do.

When her husband arrived back at their house, The Trapped Butterfly told him how great they were with her and how much fun they had. Her husband was so relieved.

Waking up from this dream after the one the night before had her very sad and wanting so badly to be able to get back what they’ve lost. But Roo is mentally ill and narcissistic like The Trapped Butterfly’s mother and other family members. It hurts so much. Her husband came clean about seeing a little more of how Roo was throwing a certain project that they were doing in her face later in the day.

The Trapped Butterfly can only hope that the future will hold friends that are healthy. She can only hope that the lizard leg will be finished soon enough since they had to cancel the appointment due to the fall they took the 2.5 weeks ago.

She will not let any more narcissists take advantage of her again if she can help it.

She will continue to grieve for her old life. And tomorrow is 16 years since her first kitty crossed the rainbow bridge. She will always remember people but she will never let them hurt her and her husband again.

The Gate

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is still in pain after the horrific fall that her husband and her took a week and a half ago. Not fun when you have no choice but to sit in a wheelchair for hours in order to live. She is finally getting better as is her husband. But she is still struggling with the anxiety of falling again despite her ability to count the number of times that they have fallen in the past 24 years together on one hand. The story of the fall is for another time when she feels ready to write it. Not tonight.

Tonight she finds herself feeling depressed, sad, angry, exhausted. She is an open book anyway which often gets criticized because others are much more private than she is. Don’t tell her not to post something that is directly related to her. She feels so triggered because before she had to cut ties with her narcissistic mother and other family, her mother would be controlling and criticizing of some of her social media posts. Bull shit! She has a right to post whatever she wants as long as it doesn’t violate someone’s outright privacy. They do what they want.

However, The Trapped Butterfly is currently seeing why it may not always be worth giving details of her life online. Yet, she wants to be supported and encouraged especially when she is going on three fucking years of not being able to just be around people. God damn Covid. God damn the people that won’t do everything to help keep it as low as possible!

People who mean well were giving her ideas from getting an aide to getting a lift to help her husband with her care. She knows that they want to help them, but only one person recognizes that she and her husband have been talking about it and trying to get help but they don’t qualify for the type of help they require. They’ve tried many times. The second she got married almost 20 years ago she lost all her disability benefits. The fucking USA expects the disabled population to live way below the poverty line in order to get the help they need with extremely expensive adaptive equipment and services that will allow them to live independently and comfortably.

And now Covid has made it pretty much impossible for them to even try again because they are so high risk. She had a very telling dream the other night that they were going to a made up mall. When they got into the parking lot, there was a huge cement gate with the name of the university that she had went to and it was closed. The Trapped Butterfly looked at her husband like, “what the fuck?” The door of the gate was metal and dark while the rest of the gate was cement and brick.

Somehow her husband was able to find a way around the wall but when they started walking around the mall, every store was being packed up. She doesn’t remember but she doesn’t think anyone would interact with them.

It was such a weird, short dream but her husband said that it is obvious that she felt trapped and rejected. Basically, unseen.

Bingo! As people have brought up things that have been hard for her her whole life…Getting someone who is willing to do everything for her (feed, lift, take her to the bathroom, physically help with her schoolwork) wasn’t easy even when the damn school district was hiring and paying for them while she was in school. Thankfully, her parents found her a perfect babysitter until the babysitter moved after she finished her first year of high school. Then there were a couple other people that cared for her after school and on days off.

She found one aide after a first try when she graduated high school and the state was paying for them. That aide was with her for a few years before she had to quit. They had to get an agency that could provide aides quickly. The main aide was great. But a sub didn’t understand that she was talking when she talked. The Trapped Butterfly had to get a teacher to explain to the aide that every time she spoke, she wasn’t just “making noises.”

When the state decided that they couldn’t use the agency anymore and had to hire someone independently, they, again, looked through lists of people who wanted to work with in home care for people with disabilities and put an ad in the paper. But The Trapped Butterfly was in community college and her mother had to keep working, so her wonderful husband, then boyfriend/fiancé eventually quit his job and became her aide.

They were lucky that the university helped with aides for certain things that her husband didn’t want to do. Besides, she wanted to prove herself with other people helping her out. Her husband was still her primary caregiver and aide at the university.

After she graduated from the university, they went through the degrading process of trying to get the state to pay for someone to just sit with her for a few hours a couple days a week so her husband could ride his motorcycle but they didn’t qualify so they had to pay for the person who wasn’t always reliable. Thankfully, The Trapped Butterfly’s friend offered to have her over for free just to hang out.

Now the ongoing pandemic has limited her ability to do anything. There’s a fucking closed gate in front of her that unlike her dream, there’s NO WAY TO GET AROUND SAFELY!! Trapped AGAIN…

The Dark RAGE

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Reader discretion is strongly advised. This is totally fiction!

The needle goes deep into the muscle! “Shut the fuck up,” she screams. He looks up at her with fear and shock. He is an anti-vax person who thinks vaccines are going to kill people.

She roughly pushes the liquid into his arm. She has him tied to his chair. His feet are tied to the leg of the chair. She wraps him up with straps that are so tight that he can’t fucking move! All he does now is plead with her and lie to try to get free. He doesn’t want the shot but she is giving it to him.

He screams in horror when she pushes the rest of the liquid into his arm. She yanks the needle out. “What’s the matter? You got a little shot? Awwww, poor baby.” she says tauntingly. “Why’d you do that to me?” he pathetically asks.

She gets a half smile and half rage look on her face and says to him, “Because it’s good for you and because I’m fucking sick of people like you making us suffer so you can be free!” “Do you know how fucking tired of it I am? It’s making me crazy! Now I’m even more unseen and alone!” She gets right in his masked face that she tied around his head. She makes him peer into her angry eyes.

“How ya feeling?” she asks in a angry and sarcastic tone. “Are you dying yet?” “You know how these are supposed to kill people?” Her rage and anger are undeniable. She has been trying so hard to be respectful of others, but yet, keep advocating for truth and science regardless. Covid is deadly but people are just moving on like it’s not even serious anymore and ignoring people who are high risk and not as visible to the public as the majority.

So she stole the vaccine from the hospital and then she went to the place where he worked. She was able to subdue him and plunge the damn shot in his arm. She leaves him there for his wife to find him. Soon it will be the wife’s turn to get her shot!