Nightfall

Heartbreak, Dream, Fall

Posted on October 22, 2024 by The Trapped Butterfly

Trigger warning for pet loss

The Trapped Butterfly recently looked at her website and saw that the last time she wrote a story was in January. Now she knows why the Spirits didn’t want her to release her children’s book in March. Just a couple of weeks after her last story, their elderly 17.5 year old kitty, Patches started to be fearful of seemingly the water dish. Over the course of the weeks that followed, it became apparent that Patches was suffering from mouth and jaw pain.

In and out of the vet. They thought it was a dental issue and they were not able to get x-rays that probably would have shown them that a tumor was somewhere in her head and jaw. From February to March 28th, they did everything they could to manage her pain and keep her eating and drinking. She would do better for a while then take a huge turn for the worst.

March 17th was one of the days that Patches took a major turn for the worst and they couldn’t even get her in the emergency room until that night. It was a horrible day and night for them. The Trapped Butterfly and her husband were beyond worried and scared. Patches couldn’t eat or drink and she peed in her bed.

The Trapped Butterfly was so grateful that they had finally found a mask that would stay on her face so she could go into the vet. They were put in the room where they had helped their tabby cat, YP, cross the rainbow bridge almost seven years ago, and the PTSD was palpable. She was so scared that they were going to have to go through it again with Patches. They actually probably would have if Patches had cooperated with the head x-rays.

Everything came back normal as usual except for the resorption of a few teeth. The emergency room vet did bring up helping her cross the rainbow bridge but with only the knowledge that Patches had dental issues and everything else was fine except for the losing weight and horrible pain she was in, doing that felt like murder to The Trapped Butterfly.

Yet, her mind keeps visiting that night because while they were running test on Patches, she and her husband went outside to wait for a while and get out of that room.

The air was cool and crisp for an almost spring night. The sky was clear and deep black with the stars and the planets shining brightly above her. And her beloved moon was out! She stared at the moon and prayed for Patches. She got a few moments of peace. She even heard and saw an owl. It reminded her of the time when her mother-in-law was in the hospital with a tumor in her bladder. The doctor went into biopsy it. It was a risky procedure for her age. Her and her husband went outside for a break during the surgery, which is when The Trapped Butterfly looked up at the deep blue sky and prayed for her “mom” to be okay. A moment of peace. Thankfully, a miracle happened and her second mom would go on to live a few more years before she transitioned into Heaven. Now the night sky was giving her the same peace and comfort.

Patches was treated and went home that night. On the way home, they saw a group of deer. The headlights reflected off their eyes. It was so beautiful. Patches finally ate and was acting better once they got home in the wee hours of the night.

Just a week and a half later right after finally getting the dental work appointment set up, Patches took a massive turn for the worst and before they could completely wrap their heads around it, they were saying goodbye to their sweet baby girl.

They are still heartbroken and grieving. It was horrific especially when they didn’t even know exactly what was wrong with her. But they have been told by 2 vet techs and the vet that Patches more than likely developed a tumor in her head that affected her jaw and vision and caused immense pain.

The PTSD has been horrible for The Trapped Butterfly since the passing of her sweet baby girl. Their fur babies are like children to her and her husband.

Then there’s the ongoing pandemic that is still going on and killing thousands of people. But everyone wants to deny it except for those who are following the virus closely as well as being aware of the research showing that the virus is still harming the body in ways that people don’t understand or want to believe.

The Trapped Butterfly finally got to watch the sunset the other night since they don’t go out anymore at night in the summer. The mosquitoes are awful too. But now it’s getting dark earlier and it was a cool night.

Watching the last light of the day reflect orange and yellow off the top of the trees was magical. Watching it get darker until she saw a bright light in the sky. It was Venus. She saw the comet that won’t be this close to the earth again for another 80,000 years was amazing. Faint little light with a tail. Being the first sunset outside since Patches flew away brought up grief for The Trapped Butterfly. Patches has been giving so many signs of butterflies and moons as well as showing up herself in spirit form. She is one active kitty just like she was in life.

The Trapped Butterfly has been dealing with her own trauma as well as the world being literally on fire. So last night when she dreamt about her narcissistic mother, she actually felt the strong physical pain of grief in her dream.

The dream was that her narcissistic mother unexpectedly showed up at the house. The Trapped Butterfly was asleep when she showed up. Her husband turned her mother away and even the mother’s boyfriend.

When The Trapped Butterfly woke up in the dream, her husband informed her of what had happened. He even mimicked her mother as he explained that she said that she just thought she would stop by. She said she could come back later and she would even mask up. She offered to have her boyfriend come over to visit. But her husband said no.

Even though The Trapped Butterfly knew that her mother was manipulative, she felt her heart literally ache for her mother as well as the rejection that her husband had to give her.

When The Trapped Butterfly woke up from the dream, she felt sad and anxious. On top of that she had to inform her husband that another recent earring was hurting her and needed to be changed that day. Which meant going to the shop. Her husband had Shingles over the summer twice, therefore, he is still tired a lot. Going out on a whim isn’t easy for him nowadays. She didn’t dare tell him about the dream that had brought up a ton of emotions for her.

Tonight she got quiet, got off social media, and decided to watch some videos of Patches. She is so grateful to have so many and hear a lot of her different sounds and meows. She needed to finally process all of her feelings that are whirling around in her heart and head. Now it’s bedtime so she has to finish everything up. She wants to cry.

Yet, she knows that the Spirits are around her. The planets and stars and the moon are all shining in the night sky at this very moment even if she can’t see them.

The Fire, Christmas Lights, and The Moon

Posted on December 15, 2023 by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly loves Christmas as does her husband. But life has done what life does to make Christmas bittersweet. And she has great Christmastime memories from childhood and not so great memories. They have lost loved ones, family, and friends which makes Christmas bittersweet.

However, that doesn’t stop them from decorating and enjoying the hell out of Christmas. She’s been desperately wanting another outside day with a fire that would go on until it got dark. It’s been about five years since they have had a fire outside when it was nighttime.

Today was a beautiful warm day for December. 56 degrees and not too windy. The Trapped Butterfly and her husband had agreed to an outside day with a fire. They were both in a good mood today so they played their silly games that only they understand. She had gotten some Mickey Mouse light up ears for fun and was looking forward to wearing them later when she was higher and in an even better mood. She told her husband that he was going to “get it.” Poor guy didn’t know what she was thinking.

It felt pretty warm out when he pushed her outside in her wheelchair. It was partly cloudy and she was disappointed that she probably wasn’t going to be able to see the stars and planets as she had been doing the previous times that they were out there until after dark. In fact, one night she had sat outside alone and was amazed by the colors of the sunset, the Christmas lights coming on, and then the planets and stars that eventually filled the night sky.

Today the fire was beautiful from the start. They used a cardboard box with sticks to get the fire going. There must have been plastic or something on the box that was making little fire sparks slide down to the ground. It was magical.

She meditated and watched the fire throughout the afternoon. Birds flew overhead and one was so loud when it squawked that it startled both her and her husband.

She drank cannabis infused juice and then she had a couple of shots of tequila! The higher she got, the more beautiful everything was getting. As the sun was setting, sparks of the fire went up to the sky. It got brighter and brighter. She kept saying, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

Getting goofy, she had her husband get her light up Mickey Mouse Christmas ears. He had turned on their outside Christmas lights and they were shining bright. She looked at a medal part of her wheelchair and it was so psychedelic from the reflection of the Christmas lights. She loved it.

She wore her ears for a while and got pictures. Then it was time to enact her plan on her husband to get him back for the games they played earlier. He, surprisingly, put the lighted ears on and took pictures! 😂😂. She was laughing so hard at him not figuring it out right away. Finally he got it and they laughed and played around. She kept wearing her ears.

It was getting darker and darker. Other Christmas lights were coming on in the neighborhood. So beautiful and cosmic. The fire got brighter and brighter. She hadn’t seen anything more beautiful in so long!

As they sat, a fox came up from the neighbor’s yard and began to cross the road. The fox made eye contact with them and got scared even though she was trying not to do anything to scare it away. It took off into the field across the road. They were both excited that they got to see a fox so close.

Similarly, that spring a baby deer ran across their yard. She always prays for animals because she doesn’t want them to get hit by cars and people can be so cruel. She loves animals.

As the night fell, the fire was allowed to dissipate and she watched what her husband calls, “Coal City.” A bunch of beautiful orange coals were flickering. It was beautiful.

She kept looking at all the Christmas lights throughout the neighborhood. The lights were so beautiful and she kept feeling herself relax. She also found herself remembering all the normal times that she had been outside at night—from childhood to adulthood. Being outside at night was a normal, frequent occurrence year round. She missed it all and noted at how much she, and all people, take for granted. Covid has at least made her more aware of everything that isn’t guaranteed in life. It’s easily taken away from you in an instant. Covid is on the rise again and, thankfully, The Trapped Butterfly and her husband have managed not to get it. Both are still sacrificing to avoid being infected by this nasty virus that is definitely damaging people’s bodies in ways that they don’t even understand.

While her husband was starting to put stuff away and put out the fire, she was sitting outside by herself and she saw a bright light through the fur tree. She looked and thought it was a street light but there’s no light there. She realized that it was the new moon! Tears streamed down her face. Her husband came out and she said, “Is that really the moon?” Her husband had been seeing it behind the house in the past month but there it was…A bright sliver of the moon. She was crying and saying “Thank you” to the Spirit world and the Universe and the moon for allowing her to see it. Soon the clouds covered the moon back up. She was just blown away by it and everything she was able to experience.

May there peace on Earth and goodwill towards men.

Venus, Stars, and Peace

Posted on November 12, 2023 by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly had a great Halloween with her witch costume. Her hat lights up in purple. She actually got to update her Halloween knee with a purple witch, bat, purple Grateful Dead dancing skeleton, a UFO, and a vampire tattoo. She didn’t want to leave the coziness of the artist’s studio in the shop so she had him add more pink and purple sky background. He went crazy and it made everything pop even more.

She was on the usual high after a tattoo session. She couldn’t believe that she was able to get three projects done this year before having to take a break during the respiratory season since everyone is being so stupid with not taking Covid seriously anymore. Thankfully, she has two appointments with him this spring already. Even though, like the majority of people, he doesn’t mask up anymore, he definitely keeps up with the shots and wears a N95 mask with them to keep them safe. She is very grateful to have an artist who will make getting ink as safe as possible.

Unfortunately, the high didn’t last very long due to family members getting Covid again and the ongoing war against Hamas. People are just becoming so stupid. They don’t understand that they are supporting a terrorist organization that Israel must defeat. The Trapped Butterfly has tried to explain about Hamas to people who are seeing the destruction in Gaza and the innocent civilians being killed that don’t want to understand about Hamas using civilians as human shields. Of course, she gets blocked by friends for this. She also gets nowhere with trying to have a conversation with people. She is terrified at the world she lives in.

She woke up crabby this morning and decided she needed an outside day. The leaves crunched under them. She had fun looking at the different colors on the ground and what is left on the trees. Cute little squirrels ran around high in the trees. She worried about them falling being up so high but they knew what they were doing.

As the sun set, the trees with red and golden leaves were absolutely glowing in the sun. Everything just kept getting more and more beautiful. The silhouette of the dark trees against the orange and yellow sky was breathtaking. She eagerly started looking for stars.

Finally a planet and then another planet and then Venus! She was delighted to see what they believed were Mars, Jupiter, and Venus. Venus seems to be becoming her new friend and constant as she has seen her in every season. Even just looking out the windows at night in the summer when they no longer seem to be out at night due to their limited activities in order to protect themselves from getting Covid.

Tears filled The Trapped Butterfly’s eyes as she watched it get darker and darker with more stars filling the night sky. She prays to the Spirit World and aliens to please come help this horrible world. She wishes for peace and healing. She soaks up every second of the quiet, starlight evening before having to go back in the house to eat and do the nightly routine.

She is looking forward to having a fire soon and watching the night come. Little do humans know just how small and insignificant they are in the grand scheme of things.

Supernatural Beings and Peace

Posted on October 22, 2023 by The Trapped Butterfly

She was sobbing. Hot tears streamed down her face and she had an unexpected, intense urge to go outside. Usually she wouldn’t even ask to go outside on the whim like that, but she just needed to get out and pray/send positive vibes up to the universe without the confines of the house.

The second her husband pushed her outside, her whole body relaxed despite the intense, unexplainable feelings that were surging through her. She cried and took some deep breaths as she looked at the beautiful orange and yellow sky with the sunset. She whispered softly at the almost night sky hoping that They would hear her. Both the aliens and the Spirits.

The movie that they had just watched was called, “Arrival,” which included alien beings coming to Earth to help mankind achieve the alien’s goal of world peace. Oh how she wishes that the world leaders would get high on marijuana and watch the movie.

There was also the concept of some being able to see their own future and how choosing to still do something that would be heartbreaking but so meaningful got to her. She often wonders nowadays if she would have made the same choices that she has made up to now despite the joys and the devastating pain that she has endured. There was one thing that she used to regret about her ex-chosen family…She had said she wished she had never met them. But now, despite some lingering pain that remains, she realizes that it is a part of her journey and she wouldn’t be the person she is now.

So many thoughts going through her mind right now but it’s all cosmic. She had been wanting to see the moon for a while now and while they were outside, she happened to turn her head to the side and looked up and there was the moon.

May You come and somehow bring peace and love and healing to this world. Please…….

Monday Again…

Posted on February 20, 2023 by The Trapped Butterfly

The following is a short poem by The Trapped Butterfly’s husband while they sat outside on an unseasonably warm February afternoon that turned into evening. The sunset was beautiful orange and red. Two planets could be seen in the twilight sky. Crickets were chirping. Children were happily screaming and laughing throughout the neighborhood. A beautiful moment of peace for both of them. The smell of someone having a fire reminded them of a sacred park.

Monday Again…

I feel contempt for fellow man
lost in contrived reality.
Allowing tolerance to soothe my confused mind
to give me peace
in the madness.
Let there be Bliss.
— me

The Night Trip

Posted on December 29, 2022 by The Trapped Butterfly

Her husband pushes her out the front door into the darkness. She is so excited to be going out at night. She actually can’t remember the last time she was going somewhere at night due to the ongoing pandemic that people are trying to ignore now.

It is a warm night for the end of December. Just days before it had been sub freezing with wind chills of -27 degrees. Tonight it was windy but in the 50s. The minute she is outside she gets an overwhelming peace throughout her whole body. The wind blows her hair. The Christmas lights and the regular lights are so sparkly. The night sky is so beautiful despite the clouds that block out all the stars.

The Trapped Butterfly takes a deep breath and exclaims that it is so beautiful!

In the vehicle, she sits and looks at all the lights on the dashboard. Again, absolutely beautiful! The Christmas lights on the front porch of her house are so bright! She revels in the neighbor’s Christmas lights and the “new” world that is surrounding her.

As they drive, she honestly feels like she is tripping. Yes, she is high on pot and some wine from dinner, but she hasn’t felt like this in a while. It is true “beginner’s mind” as meditation teaches. She can’t believe how much there’s to see in the darkness.

The way the headlights are shining on the trees giving them an eerie glow. The lights from houses shining through the trees. Looking out into the horizon and seeing the patches of light in the sky from towns miles away from them. It’s a beautiful contrast between empty dark skies and land and the bright lights of towns that are not even visible except for the small light patches in the sky.

She loves catching glimpses of Christmas lights inside people’s houses even if the outside don’t have lights. She loves watching the lights of the headlights reflecting off everything that they are passing. She just feels so much peace and joy in this beautiful moment. She even sees a live deer standing in the ditch.

The Christmas drive through light fair is rather disappointing because it used to pretty much cover the whole fair ground, but it is rather small and she enjoys it as they drive through it twice, but they are both really disappointed that it isn’t anything near what it was before the pandemic started. They haven’t been here in two years due to Covid and being so afraid to even pay for it. They still are forced to drastically limit their contact with people, and her husband always wears masks. But this year she was insistent in going to the light fair as they did every year before Covid since they moved down here. Her husband wore his mask to pay the lady and sanitized his hands before removing his mask.

The peace of the simple act of going for a ride at night to see Christmas lights will hopefully keep giving her the strength to keep being trapped from how she used to live. It’s also teaching her just how much people take everyday things for granted.

Posted on October 29, 2022 by The Trapped Butterfly

It’s a cool, fall day. It’s also Halloween weekend and she has been feeling really restless and left out. She loves Halloween! Ever since she was old enough to deal with the costumes, which was around age five, she loved dressing up and going out. She continued this celebration well into adulthood with going to accessible Halloween activities and watching scary movies.

All around her, people are celebrating Halloween weekend and she longs to do anything Halloween too. They watched Hannibal eat brains the other day. Yummy, tastes like chicken.

The day started turning to evening. After consuming extra cannabis and shots of alcohol, nightfall filled the air. They had been playing with an Amanita and wizard hat and now she was wearing the wizard hat.

The darkness filled her senses with awe, peace, and cosmic vibes. The purple lights on the porch where she was sitting danced to her. Then it hit her that something that happened so regularly her whole life has been occurring rarely now.

They used to go out at night and get together with people at night. She remembered coming home from college and grad school classes at night. There were events, parties, tattoos, concerts at night. Now they can get everything done during the day and then the mosquitoes are bad when they are sitting outside in the summer so they go in before dusk.

But tonight was different. Nothing was driving them in and she couldn’t tear herself from the nightfall. Tears ran down her face. The last of the nighttime bugs and creatures rang in her ears. Sounds of dogs barking, people coming home, and the silence all mixed into a beautiful melody. The beautiful lights on the porch and the neighborhood as well as the darkness also filled her.

She drank it all in for as long as she could. She felt sad that she had taken nightfall for granted. She will make sure to experience nightfall a bit more from outside.

She pleads with the universe to let health and peace rain on the Earth. So tired of the darkness that is over Earth and their lives. She wants to get to experience the cosmic nightfall more….