Category: Despair

Heartbreak, Dream, Fall

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Trigger warning for pet loss

The Trapped Butterfly recently looked at her website and saw that the last time she wrote a story was in January. Now she knows why the Spirits didn’t want her to release her children’s book in March. Just a couple of weeks after her last story, their elderly 17.5 year old kitty, Patches started to be fearful of seemingly the water dish. Over the course of the weeks that followed, it became apparent that Patches was suffering from mouth and jaw pain.

In and out of the vet. They thought it was a dental issue and they were not able to get x-rays that probably would have shown them that a tumor was somewhere in her head and jaw. From February to March 28th, they did everything they could to manage her pain and keep her eating and drinking. She would do better for a while then take a huge turn for the worst.

March 17th was one of the days that Patches took a major turn for the worst and they couldn’t even get her in the emergency room until that night. It was a horrible day and night for them. The Trapped Butterfly and her husband were beyond worried and scared. Patches couldn’t eat or drink and she peed in her bed.

The Trapped Butterfly was so grateful that they had finally found a mask that would stay on her face so she could go into the vet. They were put in the room where they had helped their tabby cat, YP, cross the rainbow bridge almost seven years ago, and the PTSD was palpable. She was so scared that they were going to have to go through it again with Patches. They actually probably would have if Patches had cooperated with the head x-rays.

Everything came back normal as usual except for the resorption of a few teeth. The emergency room vet did bring up helping her cross the rainbow bridge but with only the knowledge that Patches had dental issues and everything else was fine except for the losing weight and horrible pain she was in, doing that felt like murder to The Trapped Butterfly.

Yet, her mind keeps visiting that night because while they were running test on Patches, she and her husband went outside to wait for a while and get out of that room.

The air was cool and crisp for an almost spring night. The sky was clear and deep black with the stars and the planets shining brightly above her. And her beloved moon was out! She stared at the moon and prayed for Patches. She got a few moments of peace. She even heard and saw an owl. It reminded her of the time when her mother-in-law was in the hospital with a tumor in her bladder. The doctor went into biopsy it. It was a risky procedure for her age. Her and her husband went outside for a break during the surgery, which is when The Trapped Butterfly looked up at the deep blue sky and prayed for her “mom” to be okay. A moment of peace. Thankfully, a miracle happened and her second mom would go on to live a few more years before she transitioned into Heaven. Now the night sky was giving her the same peace and comfort.

Patches was treated and went home that night. On the way home, they saw a group of deer. The headlights reflected off their eyes. It was so beautiful. Patches finally ate and was acting better once they got home in the wee hours of the night.

Just a week and a half later right after finally getting the dental work appointment set up, Patches took a massive turn for the worst and before they could completely wrap their heads around it, they were saying goodbye to their sweet baby girl.

They are still heartbroken and grieving. It was horrific especially when they didn’t even know exactly what was wrong with her. But they have been told by 2 vet techs and the vet that Patches more than likely developed a tumor in her head that affected her jaw and vision and caused immense pain.

The PTSD has been horrible for The Trapped Butterfly since the passing of her sweet baby girl. Their fur babies are like children to her and her husband.

Then there’s the ongoing pandemic that is still going on and killing thousands of people. But everyone wants to deny it except for those who are following the virus closely as well as being aware of the research showing that the virus is still harming the body in ways that people don’t understand or want to believe.

The Trapped Butterfly finally got to watch the sunset the other night since they don’t go out anymore at night in the summer. The mosquitoes are awful too. But now it’s getting dark earlier and it was a cool night.

Watching the last light of the day reflect orange and yellow off the top of the trees was magical. Watching it get darker until she saw a bright light in the sky. It was Venus. She saw the comet that won’t be this close to the earth again for another 80,000 years was amazing. Faint little light with a tail. Being the first sunset outside since Patches flew away brought up grief for The Trapped Butterfly. Patches has been giving so many signs of butterflies and moons as well as showing up herself in spirit form. She is one active kitty just like she was in life.

The Trapped Butterfly has been dealing with her own trauma as well as the world being literally on fire. So last night when she dreamt about her narcissistic mother, she actually felt the strong physical pain of grief in her dream.

The dream was that her narcissistic mother unexpectedly showed up at the house. The Trapped Butterfly was asleep when she showed up. Her husband turned her mother away and even the mother’s boyfriend.

When The Trapped Butterfly woke up in the dream, her husband informed her of what had happened. He even mimicked her mother as he explained that she said that she just thought she would stop by. She said she could come back later and she would even mask up. She offered to have her boyfriend come over to visit. But her husband said no.

Even though The Trapped Butterfly knew that her mother was manipulative, she felt her heart literally ache for her mother as well as the rejection that her husband had to give her.

When The Trapped Butterfly woke up from the dream, she felt sad and anxious. On top of that she had to inform her husband that another recent earring was hurting her and needed to be changed that day. Which meant going to the shop. Her husband had Shingles over the summer twice, therefore, he is still tired a lot. Going out on a whim isn’t easy for him nowadays. She didn’t dare tell him about the dream that had brought up a ton of emotions for her.

Tonight she got quiet, got off social media, and decided to watch some videos of Patches. She is so grateful to have so many and hear a lot of her different sounds and meows. She needed to finally process all of her feelings that are whirling around in her heart and head. Now it’s bedtime so she has to finish everything up. She wants to cry.

Yet, she knows that the Spirits are around her. The planets and stars and the moon are all shining in the night sky at this very moment even if she can’t see them.

Lost? Yes. Found? Not sure.

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is experiencing extreme depression and anxiety. She didn’t want the Christmas season to end. She struggled to settle completely in this season as once Halloween was over, she started finding out about some liberals, including ex-friends, were anti-Israel. She has too many Jewish friends who have been loyal to her and are good people to just follow the liberal agenda of Israel committing “genocide” in Gaza. She understands that Hamas uses its own people as human shields. She stood her ground and still does when it comes to the Jewish community and Israel. Yet, she has nothing but compassion for the innocent people who are suffering because of the war.

However, it was still painful to find out again that the people she thought were “her people” really weren’t. This caused her anger and anxiety which spilled into her life. Thankfully, she has pretty much gone through the process and has limited her self with social media.

The other thing that made it hard for The Trapped Butterfly to completely settle in to the most cosmic time of year was worry and frustration over family as well as her book. A family member is really struggling right now and has been for months.

She dreaded the New Year because she knows that even though the death rate for Covid this fall and winter has been slightly lower than last year and definitely dramatically lower than the previous 3 years, it’s still too high. They have been back to where they basically were last year. People are still dying daily and everyone is ignoring it. Hospitalizations are still higher for Covid than they are for the flu and RSV season. Basically, even though we’re, maybe, making some progress in the pandemic, it’s not enough to be safe living normally for her husband and her.

She has been trying to find her way. Her friends pushed her to get a petition going to try to get masks back in medical facilities year-round in her state. She knows she needs to make a difference in the world so she felt like the Spirit World wanted her to do it. Even with the knowledge that most petitions don’t succeed, she finds herself doing what she did with her first book, with her gofundme campaign, and other efforts to create change…Feeling like she is trying to get positive attention, not getting it easily, and taking it personally. Feeling like she has to do all this stuff that she doesn’t feel like she’s good at.

Wanting to remain open to the Spirit World and trying to find her place in a world where she is even more not welcome in, she set up a meeting with the marketing agent that she still wishes she would have taken her time to find someone who would really meet her needs. She gave in to the need to help people as well as the need to be victorious in getting her children’s book published after all the years of trauma that she has endured to finally get it illustrated and published and hired the guy without knowing that he is a right wing person. Usually this wouldn’t be an issue but with Covid, is for her. It was much easier when the book was in the process of being illustrated. If it wasn’t finished, she couldn’t publish it. She, naively, thought that Covid would be safe for them by the time it was ready. That is not what happened and this year she has lost hope that “this will be the year that they will finally figure something out and she will be free again.”

So when they video chatted with the marketing guy, she was trying to be open. He didn’t want to help with the petition and he gave her “tough love.” Ironically, she hates that word and she believes that she actually shut herself down. She didn’t want to lash out. She wanted to be open and hear him out about going ahead with publishing the book for Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month in March. And he is right about the fact that kids need this book. Something else that is bugging her big time. There’s not a children’s book like hers out there and it’s got to get out there. He said that it’s not what we want but we can make it work with online events and interviews. The Trapped Butterfly is trying to get used to the idea of not being able to do the book traditionally.

She still had that gripping pain in her chest as her husband was in agreement with the agent. She agreed while getting emotional about how badly she wants to be in the public doing events. It’s obvious that society has a real empathy problem. They don’t care if the vulnerable live or die or her petition would have thousands of signatures…Actually, there wouldn’t be a need to have a petition for masks in medical facilities because they would still be doing it anyway.

After the meeting, she felt proud of herself for being calm and open about this. But the pain in her chest remained. She reached out to a few trusted people to process it. Then the person who delivered her prescription, got the wrong prescription as the pharmacy got it wrong. So they rushed out to get the right prescription before the pharmacy closed. Nighttime drive.

Despite the anxiety and stress, she tried to enjoy the ride. The sunset was fiery pink, orange, red, and purple. Beautiful. The lights were bright and beautiful. The darkness of the trees in the forest were beautiful. Some houses had white lights still on. Despite the awfulness of the situation and having empathy for her husband who had to snuff out the cigar he was smoking as well as the physical pain he felt to do everything he had to do to get them over there in time, she knew this would probably be the last time she would be in the vehicle at night.

Her mind keeps racing. Her emotions are everywhere. So she is trying to practice her meditation as well as self care. During her “talk” with herself during the time her husband was cleaning up after dinner and feeding the cats, she found her mind going crazy and started to feel panic. She started softly talking to herself as if she was her best friend.

During the talk, she discovered a pattern. Instead of dealing with the conflict in her about the book, she shut down. She didn’t want to argue about it. She just agreed and figured that the fear would go away. Maybe it will. However, despite being a fighter and a firebrand, there are still times when she would just go along with whatever it was. She did it with her family, her friends, and her husband. They probably didn’t realize it because she didn’t even realize it until now. Plus, the abusers got what they wanted from her. It’s healthy to do it occasionally with your spouse but it’s a definite pattern in her.

The Trapped Butterfly knows how to stand her ground, but yet, she is still a people pleaser. Plus, abuse can make one afraid to stand up for themselves. She believes that she did this during the meeting.

Then she found herself questioning her instincts. She felt that she didn’t have good instincts, but she was able to look back at the past 4 years and see how she has made very difficult decisions in order to keep them safe from Covid. She is doing the best she can with all the hell she’s been through the past few years and more.

She often still worries about being a narcissist and being too much like her parents. But she found herself wanting to write people back instead of writing this story. If she was a narcissist, she would not give a fuck about anything but what she wants.

She keeps thinking that she wants to talk to her therapist about this. She cried softly and tried to tell herself that she is doing remarkably well with her situation. She has been going through hell, but still finds ways to incorporate joy in her life.

She really needs to explore with her therapist about her fear versus her instincts because she’s just not sure what is what. She needs to put herself first. Yet, she needs purpose.

She needs to explore why she shuts down sometimes and agrees to things whether it’s right or wrong. Sometimes she just isn’t aware she’s doing it. It feels right in the moment. But with the big stuff, she needs to figure this out before she gets herself in more trouble than she can handle…again…

And she is always looking outside for answers and guidance. This is normal and healthy behavior, but she does need to be able to look inside herself to find answers. She has to trust herself. But how? It’s so hard when things are really hard and she has to make the best decision when they all feel wrong.

For now, she is proud of herself for becoming aware of the fact that she was triggered by the meeting, feels so much pressure to do the book from herself, and for talking to herself as a best friend would. Not offering advice except to take the time to write this story which people may or may not relate to or enjoy but it helps her feel better. She will also remember that she looked up at the sky when they got home from picking up her correct prescription and saw the moon through the clouds. The moon, Spirits, and herself are always with her.

Trapped Butterfly, you got this. You are not alone. We will figure this out. You are doing amazingly well in this unprecedented time we’re living through. You are not alone!

Down in a Hole

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Alice In Chains blasted from the wireless speaker that her sister-in-law gave them years ago. The Trapped Butterfly was having a meltdown and her husband was helpless to help again after the meeting with the marketing agent working with her to get her children’s book published and out there!

The book is beautiful! The illustrator is excellent and got it all done in roughly 8 months. It’s now ready to be uploaded to Amazon. This will be happening this week. It’s still a few weeks away from being ready to be available to the public. She is grateful for that because, again, she feels like she doesn’t know if it’s the right time to publish the book.

Covid has gotten better the past few months but people are still dying from it when the flu is not around yet. There’s yet to be a week with no deaths in the country and world. Plus, long Covid is still an issue. People are accepting the unacceptable. Sure, 500 deaths per week is so much better than the thousands of deaths per week earlier in the pandemic. In March of this year, it was 1800 deaths per week. But people are still dying!

Her marketing agent is wonderful! However, in order to try to get people to come to events that will have to be outside, no “trigger words” can be used. She knows that the idiots get all mean and stupid when Covid and anything related to Covid is mentioned. Fewer people are masking regularly. She isn’t able to mask because of spasms and even if they are able to get it to stay on, it will further impede her ability to speak. She has wracked her brain to try to figure out how to do some events in person safely. Masking appropriately would make it safer for her and her husband to do so. Yet, it appears that that’s not possible from the marketing standpoint. So a bunch of people who may or may not be up to date with the vaccines will be interacting with them. Her husband will be taking credit cards and money from them. He is going to be helping her sign books. This puts him (and her since he is her 24 hour caregiver) at risk even though he will be masked as usual.

She watches other people live their lives in blissful chosen ignorance. She doesn’t know if she’s able to tolerate watching other authors doing the local events. She feels so robbed of something that is supposed to be joyful and fun!!

Thankfully, a little over a week ago she finally got some freedom safely. She sat in the cozy room that they were able to enter from the outside to avoid the rest of the tattoo shop. It was decorated with various weird things and artwork. The artist is so nice and willing to accommodate them! He finished the lizard leg that had been an open wound for 2 years. The needle stabbed her millions of times over the course of almost 3 hours. They could hear people talking in the main area of the shop. It felt wonderful!

Every time she looked at the progress of her leg, she was so happy and blown away. The artist wasn’t even fazed by her spasms. He created a beautiful piece out of a shitty outline. When it was finished, she was raw, but just stared at it especially when they had to go to the front desk to pay. Her husband remained masked and didn’t get close to anyone. While she waited for them to come back, she just kept staring at it and smiling.

Dark purple flower pedals. Green iguana with a grayish blue background. Bright peach desert flowers with green leaves and more grayish blue shading with the desert flower fauna. It could not have come out better—even if the original artist had finished it.

It’s still healing. Every time she sees it, she smiles at it instead of cursing it in her head or telling her late iguana that it will get done soon. She is so happy to have ink back in her life with an artist that is up to date with the Covid shots. He is also very like-minded about a number of other issues that are going on right now.

Why can’t there be more people like him? Also, she has been promoting the fact that July is Disability Pride Month. Until a couple years ago she didn’t even know about Disability Pride Month because the damn mainstream media ignores it. People with disabilities have been the most ignored minority with laws that used to not even allow them to be in public. Disability rights are constantly in jeopardy, especially now with the right wing cult trying to take away women’s rights and the LBGTQ+ community is also being attacked by the right wing cult. Taking away the rights of transgender individuals to get gender affirming care, not allowing transgender people to use the bathroom of the gender in which they identify, and not allowing them to change their gender on their driver’s licenses or ID cards. She is grateful to live in a state where these rights are protected.

She tries to calm her heart and anxiety. But as Alice In Chains sings, she is “down in a hole. Feeling so small. She wants to flllllyyyyy.”

Again…Really???

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly’s eyes and head hurt from just crying and sobbing! Her mind keeps spinning as she tries to process what her husband said after watching Downton Abbey. The character, Sybil, needlessly dies after having her baby due to the doctor and her father not wanting to listen to the other doctor who had known her her whole life and knew she was experiencing Preeclampsia. Had they gotten her to the hospital and delivered her baby via C-section, she and the baby girl would both have probably lived.

Of course, earlier today The Trapped Butterfly had a doctors appointment via telehealth where she asked about the treatment, Paxlovid, for Covid. Due to her severe cerebral palsy, she has trouble taking pills and is unable to take any that are not small. Even those can be a nightmare to swallow. So if The Trapped Butterfly gets Covid, her doctor said that she would put her on the Z-Pack (liquid) to prevent any nasty bacteria and steroids. Basically the treatment that was given at the start of the pandemic. Isn’t that nice?? Just symptom treatment and not something that is proven to keep most people at risk of severe illness from Covid out of the hospital or dying.

She was encouraged that the doctor said she was seeing milder cases recently.

But the fact that The Trapped Butterfly has to solely rely on the shots that she has gotten to fight it off made her cry a little right after the appointment. Then watching this heartbreaking episode of Downton Abbey made her husband finally breakdown and tell her that he was terrified of the tattoo appointment on Monday. The artist isn’t vaccinated against Covid and when The Trapped Butterfly checked in with her, she claimed she couldn’t find a N95 mask and to please bring one with a laugh. Her husband isn’t comfortable with her at all.

The Trapped Butterfly knows he is right and feels stupid for making the appointment in desperation to get this damn lizard leg done. But now she has to cancel again. She worries about how it will be received and if it will ruin other chances of getting ink. She is terrified of not finding someone to do it and do a cover up for her. She is terrified of her life being stolen even more. Why’d Roo and Yellow Man have to turn out to be fucked up assholes?

Sadness, anger, despair, exhaustion, fear and panic keep running rampant through her. Thankfully her meditation practice along with pot and a few shots of tequila with a beer are helping her to feel it without running away. It’s hurting so much. She talks to herself like a mother would….

“It’s ok, Little One.” “It’s ok to cry and be sad and angry.” “I know you’re having so many scary thoughts.” “You got this.”

She was looking forward to seeing what the artist would do with the tattoo. She was looking forward to a break from her life and the fact that she was choosing the pain of the tattoo. And finally having her leg look different…but again…It’s being ripped away from her because fucking Covid could still really hurt her and she doesn’t want her husband to watch her die an awful death. And despite it getting better, she doesn’t want to see her husband die from it either.

She hopes that the anniversary celebration will happen. Is anything safe? Why can’t they get a vaccine that will prevent it? Why????

For now she will use the following memory to try to get her through.

She’s lying on the soft orange carpet in front of her grandparents’ fireplace with a round coffee table in the middle of the room. She is lying on a soft pillow and is covered with a blanket. Grandpa is lying right next to her watching tv. She must have been sleepy because she has her head turned towards her grandpa and is looking at the shirt he is wearing. He is warm and she feels very safe with him. The shirt has the city of Chicago on it which is where she had just taken a school field trip.

She will fall asleep and will be carried to their bed without waking up. She is safe with her grandpa….

Despair and Grief

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

She wakes up feeling that familiar pang in her chest and stomach. She’s very anxious about her husband having another bout of walking pneumonia. It’s either mold or fungi related because they are still living in quarantine with extremely limited exposure to other people due to Covid which continues to weigh deeply on her.

As she begins to meditate and try to become aware of her thoughts and emotions, she realizes that she is missing “them” again. People who she wishes she would stop fucking missing. People who have treated her like shit. She also desperately misses having tattoos that she can look forward to. She’s terrified that if she, hopefully, gets her private appointment in January that it’s going to be impossible to keep getting private sessions since Covid is seemingly “better,” but she doesn’t trust it yet and she feels like it is being suppressed by the media right now due to the election. If this Republican cult gets back in power, it will be even harder to know what is truly going on since Trump has really fucked with the CDC!!

Unfortunately, this grief and despair is a perfect storm for a meltdown. She feels so helpless when her husband is sick. She should be caring for him, but instead, she needs constant care. Dressing, going to the bathroom, feeding, and everything else that you need to do for a young child. Unfortunately, her husband does something that triggers her and she lashes out at him and then it all comes boiling up and out.

He doesn’t mean to trigger her. She hates that she has a hard time regulating her emotions but she tries to breathe and realize that she needs to stop lashing out. She also has a lot of grief and regret about the kitty situation because they lost their beloved first tabby cat whom they adopted with a calico and the kitties grew up together and got along great! A year after the tabby cat crossed the rainbow bridge into Heaven, she was desperate to add another kitty to the family to try to get some joy back into the house and she fell in love with a tabby kitten and they adopted him after trying to make sure it would work out with the older calico. Unfortunately, the kitten was found without a mother and didn’t get the critical socializing that he needed to be a typical cat. He won’t leave the calico alone and he doesn’t understand how to interact without getting too rough. It’s all play and love but he doesn’t have limits like typical kitties have. Despite trying everything, the kitties live separate lives with equal time in the house and in their own “apartments.” This has only made more work for her husband and she feels responsible. She is also sad that the last years of her calico kitty’s life are being spent so differently than her life before the new kitty. There’s a deep ache that she doesn’t get to spend as much time with her calico. It literally makes her sick sometimes even though everyone is happy and are doing well.

She feels angry and scared when her husband is coughing and can’t catch his breath for a few minutes after carrying her to the bathroom and getting her situated so she can have privacy. It makes her angry that people don’t understand how it is. She is so desperate for people to understand and hear her. Some definitely do and show their support. But she is so tired of the ableism of the world and waiting to see what all the viruses and Covid variants are going to do.

She just is desperate for her life to get better for a while and find her tattoo artist that will be there, appropriately, for her. Is this too much to ask??

She still prays but not religious prayers of Christianity. She still finds herself angry at the “Christian god” who is supposed to be able to do anything but it was a lie. God is everything and different entities. It’s not the God of the Bible. She was gullible and fell right into the bull shit. But now she sees that spiritualism is really the best way to go. All prayers and positive vibes have some effects on the world and people. But she hates that she still gets angry at “God” for letting bad stuff happen even though it’s not really Them doing it.

Nighttime falls and it’s time to sleep just to get up and live in the twilight zone again. She doesn’t want to be a trapped butterfly anymore.