Author: The Trapped Butterfly

Dark Clouds, Sunshine, Venus, and More Dark Clouds

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

It’s been a good month for The Trapped Butterfly. The 20th wedding anniversary celebration was awesome! The rain stopped for it and despite the park having the wrong date for the shelter, the group that was using the shelter left without a problem.

Seeing people that they haven’t seen in years was wonderful. Not worrying too bad about Covid was wonderful! Everyone’s eyes were so sparkly. The trees were full of fresh buds springing to life. The temperature was perfect. The only annoying thing was the wind blowing at times.

Looking into his beautiful sparkly brown eyes as I they renewed their “vowels” as The Trapped Butterfly had been calling it was breathtaking. She actually can’t believe that she didn’t cry that much. The ceremony was led by her early childhood professor who is now a lifelong friend and the ceremony was full of laughter and love. Typical for The Trapped Butterfly and her husband as they have a both goofy yet sweet relationship. It came through in the ceremony!

Being around people again renewed her spirit and sense of hope that she will eventually get her life back. She looks forward to celebrating her children’s book that is finally almost finished and ready to be published!

So much trauma with this book. Her so-called friends wanted to help but they fucked them over. This true illustrator has gotten this done in about 8 months. It’s just about done!! Her “friends” didn’t keep working on it consistently and they quit because they were assholes.

While she is so excited about her book finally getting done, she is sad because she can’t do what she’s been hoping to do and go to libraries and schools to read the book. She hopes to have an outside book party with a plexiglass cube around her to avoid Covid exposure while, at least, getting to celebrate the book and see children. It’s heartbreaking that she hasn’t been around children for 3 years now. She misses it so much. Her husband thinks that with a cube around her and having it outside will be safe.

Despite all the beautiful sunshine from having major things finally going right, she feels the dark clouds still coming in as she deals with the fact that, yes, she hung out with people and celebrated her 20th wedding anniversary as well as her book getting done, she still isn’t completely freed yet. They are going to get their second bivalent shot next week, but unlike most people, they still can’t just be normal. They are terrified of Covid and she doesn’t have the ability to take the treatment for it. They are still trapped. But she is trying to hold onto hope that this won’t last too much longer. She has to accept the darkness of the clouds.

Plus, tomorrow is her narcissistic mother’s birthday and she hates it. It’s weird because she didn’t feel sad about her family not even knowing about the vow renewal. She didn’t miss them. She is grateful for the video her friend took of it because they haven’t watched their wedding video in years with so many nasty people that have hurt her deeply, but yet, she wishes she had a mom like she thought she did before everything finally blew up 4 years ago.

Then May 2nd is the 7th anniversary of her dear grandpa leaving the earth. She misses him so much. She can still hear herself screaming, “Grandpa, No! No! Grandpa!” Tears wick at her eyes writing that. He was far from perfect. They fought sometimes but they never let it go beyond that time and always ended on a loving note. He was the only family member that was able to have a healthy relationship with her.

She looks out the top of the window and she has been seeing Venus in the night sky. It gives her comfort as she continues to hope for more of the sunshine (without the heat) moments and faces the dark clouds that are always trying to overcome her.

Again…Really???

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly’s eyes and head hurt from just crying and sobbing! Her mind keeps spinning as she tries to process what her husband said after watching Downton Abbey. The character, Sybil, needlessly dies after having her baby due to the doctor and her father not wanting to listen to the other doctor who had known her her whole life and knew she was experiencing Preeclampsia. Had they gotten her to the hospital and delivered her baby via C-section, she and the baby girl would both have probably lived.

Of course, earlier today The Trapped Butterfly had a doctors appointment via telehealth where she asked about the treatment, Paxlovid, for Covid. Due to her severe cerebral palsy, she has trouble taking pills and is unable to take any that are not small. Even those can be a nightmare to swallow. So if The Trapped Butterfly gets Covid, her doctor said that she would put her on the Z-Pack (liquid) to prevent any nasty bacteria and steroids. Basically the treatment that was given at the start of the pandemic. Isn’t that nice?? Just symptom treatment and not something that is proven to keep most people at risk of severe illness from Covid out of the hospital or dying.

She was encouraged that the doctor said she was seeing milder cases recently.

But the fact that The Trapped Butterfly has to solely rely on the shots that she has gotten to fight it off made her cry a little right after the appointment. Then watching this heartbreaking episode of Downton Abbey made her husband finally breakdown and tell her that he was terrified of the tattoo appointment on Monday. The artist isn’t vaccinated against Covid and when The Trapped Butterfly checked in with her, she claimed she couldn’t find a N95 mask and to please bring one with a laugh. Her husband isn’t comfortable with her at all.

The Trapped Butterfly knows he is right and feels stupid for making the appointment in desperation to get this damn lizard leg done. But now she has to cancel again. She worries about how it will be received and if it will ruin other chances of getting ink. She is terrified of not finding someone to do it and do a cover up for her. She is terrified of her life being stolen even more. Why’d Roo and Yellow Man have to turn out to be fucked up assholes?

Sadness, anger, despair, exhaustion, fear and panic keep running rampant through her. Thankfully her meditation practice along with pot and a few shots of tequila with a beer are helping her to feel it without running away. It’s hurting so much. She talks to herself like a mother would….

“It’s ok, Little One.” “It’s ok to cry and be sad and angry.” “I know you’re having so many scary thoughts.” “You got this.”

She was looking forward to seeing what the artist would do with the tattoo. She was looking forward to a break from her life and the fact that she was choosing the pain of the tattoo. And finally having her leg look different…but again…It’s being ripped away from her because fucking Covid could still really hurt her and she doesn’t want her husband to watch her die an awful death. And despite it getting better, she doesn’t want to see her husband die from it either.

She hopes that the anniversary celebration will happen. Is anything safe? Why can’t they get a vaccine that will prevent it? Why????

For now she will use the following memory to try to get her through.

She’s lying on the soft orange carpet in front of her grandparents’ fireplace with a round coffee table in the middle of the room. She is lying on a soft pillow and is covered with a blanket. Grandpa is lying right next to her watching tv. She must have been sleepy because she has her head turned towards her grandpa and is looking at the shirt he is wearing. He is warm and she feels very safe with him. The shirt has the city of Chicago on it which is where she had just taken a school field trip.

She will fall asleep and will be carried to their bed without waking up. She is safe with her grandpa….

Planets

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly has had her ups and downs in the past few weeks. Sitting outside until dusk in late February when it was unseasonably warm, she delighted in seeing Venus and Jupiter in the dusk sky. So beautiful and so far away. Whatever life forms that may be on those planets have no idea what is happening on Earth and we have no real idea what is happening there. Storms, yes, but who knows if there’s different life forms there that either are suffering or are peaceful…Perhaps they are both suffering and peaceful like here.

Then she was able to go back to the original tattoo shop for a new piercing and some much needed earring changes. The piercer actually remember them from when she used to be there sometimes twice a month for tattoos. The Trapped Butterfly had been afraid to go back there due to probably receiving the wrong information about stuff that happened years ago. But it seemed to be forgotten or not even thought about. It was weird to be back. The place is painted gray and is an open floor plan. The piercing was wonderful and just getting to be normal in a safe manner was wonderful.

She also has a tattoo appointment April 3rd with a tattoo artist that is willing to wear a mask and do it on a day off. She is going to try to rework the lizard leg that has been driving her crazy. It’s going to be emotional but she is so ready to even have it look completely different than what it was supposed to be.

Sleeping has been rough lately because she can’t sleep on her piercing and she has sores on her other ear. She keeps ordering pillows for this situation with holes in them, but they are too high for stomach sleeping. It just seems like she doesn’t belong in society anymore. No stomach pillows, people acting like Covid isn’t real threat anymore, having to make sure that they are safe. It’s exhausting and she feels unseen by most people who are supposed to understand. Not to mention that it’s Cerebral Palsy Awareness Month which gets very little attention despite it being the number one lifelong disability.

But this morning she was visited by the moon and the planets. In her dream, they were so close and big in the sky that it was almost as if she could reach up and touch them. The moon was bright white. Then Venus was so bright and colorful. So was Jupiter, Saturn, and Neptune. It was a very trippy dream. One in which she could have stayed in forever. No ableism, no Covid, no pain, no struggles. Just pure wonderment and awe as the planets kept coming up in the sky.

Maybe it’s the spirit world trying to keep her up as she continues to deal with the reality of what she has lost. Moments of peace and beauty are what make her keep going in this life that she honestly doesn’t want to live anymore but she has no choice but to love her husband and kitties while they wait for an easier time to come.

Monday Again…

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The following is a short poem by The Trapped Butterfly’s husband while they sat outside on an unseasonably warm February afternoon that turned into evening. The sunset was beautiful orange and red. Two planets could be seen in the twilight sky. Crickets were chirping. Children were happily screaming and laughing throughout the neighborhood. A beautiful moment of peace for both of them. The smell of someone having a fire reminded them of a sacred park.

Monday Again…

I feel contempt for fellow man
lost in contrived reality.
Allowing tolerance to soothe my confused mind
to give me peace
in the madness.
Let there be Bliss.
— me

Who she truly is

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The Trapped Butterfly is feeling at a complete loss again. In April, she and her husband are going to be celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary! 20 years of marriage and love have made it through so much shit. From her abusive dad’s disowning to his sudden death almost four months after they got married. The marriage has survived her mental health issues and his issues from being on antidepressants. It’s survived losses that have made them sob. And it has survived the realization that her mother is a narcissist. Being physically disabled as well as all the dysfunction of her family has made their relationship harder than most. Not to mention their age difference has made people feel weird. Their problem!!

Now it’s surviving the ongoing pandemic that everyone is trying desperately to ignore even more, therefore, making life miserable and dangerous for everyone who is high risk and immunocompromised.

The Trapped Butterfly is incredibly proud of her marriage. She never thought she would ever find a man who would love her the way he does. She means wiping someone’s ass several times a day isn’t exactly romantic, but it’s a way that he loves her through doing all the care she requires 24/7. He has said many times that “he gets to care for her.” It’s his choice to do this.

So naturally she wants to do something special for their wedding anniversary. But Covid doesn’t make it a easy. They used to be able to plan stuff and go to concerts and stuff, but not anymore. Without Covid, they would probably find a fun event/concert to go to or take a day trip to explore a city or town. Yeah, they still had to think about how her needs would fit in with the plans and just plan it out, but they were able to go have fun with just the “normal” complications of having a severe disability.

Now they can’t do anything without a major plan to stay safe from Covid. She can’t bear not to be “normal” and celebrate her anniversary. She came up with a vow renewal and a small simple celebration. But trying to find a venue that would be totally private and safe from Covid isn’t easy. Her former professor, now friend, is trying to find a place. They still need a photographer that will wear a mask correctly.

Why can’t this be easy??

Yesterday she was feeling really overwhelmed and was listening to music when the song, “I Don’t Know You Anymore” by Savage Garden came on. That song is about ex lovers, but for her it reminds her of her family and friends that have hurt her to the point of not being able to have them in their life anymore. She misses them so much, which is confusing. Why does she even still love them so much?

The lyrics below are words she wishes some of her family and friends would say to her since she has always been willing to apologize and accept the part she played in the hurt.

"I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day."

But it’s highly doubtful that that will ever happen because it would have already if they were healthy emotionally.

But it hit her in the moment that she absolutely craves healthy, peaceful relationships with people. Her parents didn’t teach her how to handle her emotions. She is a hot head and lashes out. However, this has improved since she started meditating with the Calm app. She is human. She doesn’t have it all figured out yet, and living in ongoing quarantine to avoid getting Covid that’s killing people even if the death isn’t right away has made her struggle with her anger, anxiety, and depression like she never has before.

She now realizes that she has craved peace since she was a child. Yes, she had time when they were enjoying stuff. She loved, for the most part, being at her grandparents’ house when they took care of her in the summer. She loved being with friends and going out. All the normal kid stuff.

Still, at any given moment, her dad could get angry and the yelling would start. If it were one of the kids, sometimes the hitting soon followed. If it was with her mother, the yelling would get louder and louder and sometimes things got thrown. She remembers this from her toddler years. She would cry and scream because she just wanted it to stop. She also was left in her room to cry so she has trouble with self-regulation.

She can feel herself now when she’s upset saying something that she doesn’t really want to say but she can’t always control it. She beats herself up for not being able to stop it. But she’s truly a peaceful person. Not a submissive person. Fuck that! She will always stand up for herself and fight for causes. But she desires peace.

She often wonders who she would be now that it’s been almost four years since she wrote that heartbreaking letter to her narcissistic mother to get her to get help for a year and went no contact. Sadly, her mother proved she was, indeed, narcissistic and did a bunch of horrible shit until they finally blocked her on the phone. Who would she be if Covid never happened and she was able to really work with her therapist to cope with life without her mother and family? She knows that she would always have her anxiety, depression, PTSD, and CPTSD, but would she be happier? Would she be more able to cope with it?

It’s sad that she will never know the answers to these questions. All she can do is try to keep hoping that a true breakthrough for Covid will come in the next few years to let them live their lives again before age catches up with them even more. May she remember that she desires peace. And may they be able to safely celebrate their 20th anniversary in April with a few friends. They definitely deserve it!!!

Precious moments of joy and peace

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Her stomach is full of sushi and she’s nice and high as usual. Pot is wonderful! Tonight they got sushi via DoorDash. Her anxiety was high because of last week when they ordered it, it never came and they cancelled the order.

When it arrived, tears of joy came to the surface of her eyes. The smell was so scrumptious. Fresh, sweet, succulent. And that’s exactly how it tasted. She tried to remember to take time to really savor the flavors. The avocado was so fresh that it melted in their mouths.

She hated for it to end even though she was so full. She enjoyed the beer she had with it. Her husband always feeds her so he made sure she got every single bit of meat! They are aware that animals give their lives for food and they try not to waste anything.

Days like today are precious because they actually go “right.” Despite all the bull shit going on in the world as well as ongoing personal issues stemming from child abuse, being disabled, having diagnosed mental health issues, and being trapped by Covid while the rest of the population is just deciding to ignore it, today they basically shut out the outside world. They stayed away from the news, except for a cute story of a little 6-year-old boy who ordered about $1,000 worth of food off GrubHub, she really limited her social media, enjoyed getting another illustration done and the next one going, and they enjoyed things they liked. To top it all off, they decided to use the gift money from her sister-in-law gave them to cheer them up after they fell to get sushi.

Shutting the world out is becoming more of a thing for her because it is too painful to be on the outside looking out at people doing life that she can’t because of Covid. It’s depressing and maddening because she craves social interaction with people who are cool about her disability. She is a very free spirit who loves to have fun.

So today was a welcome change for her. She is so grateful that they experienced peace today. Tomorrow hopefully she will get to go for a ride which will help her to get to see things even though she will have to see people not caring about others. It’s still awesome to get out of the house and ride around.

Dreams about them

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

The past two nights The Trapped Butterfly has been dreaming about her once chosen family. Check out Fuck you, Roo!! for a little context into something that was seemingly so beautiful and cosmic into something so dark, hateful, and ruthless. Obviously, The Trapped Butterfly is still struggling with the whole thing because she still loves them. She wishes she could fix it and get it back for her and her husband.

She wishes she didn’t still miss them as well as her narcissistic mother and her whole biological family because they have all hurt her so deeply that she should have nothing but hate for them. Believe her, she has had plenty of times when she has hated them as the hurt, anger, and rage shake throughout her body making her want to lash out. But she knows better and that isn’t who she is.

The Trapped Butterfly has been having a lot of thoughts since the fall and can’t believe how isolated they are. Yes, they still have a lot of friends and professors who care about them and have helped them. But they have lost their main support system due to Covid, selfishness, and finally, crushing malicious narcissism. Yes, in some relationships she has had a part in this, but it was not always her fault despite what they said. Yet, she is so used to being blamed for everything that she has blamed herself at times. Yet, she apologized to those who she had offended but they didn’t accept her apology.

So both of her dreams the past two nights have been about working it out with Roo and Mr. Yellow. It was a long dream but they were at their house. Other people were around. Roo even talked about where to put something her mother gave her.

Finally, The Trapped Butterfly was able to get one on one with Roo. She tearfully explained to Roo how sorry she was for hurting them. She honestly never ever meant to. Eventually Roo softened her stance and forgave her. They were able to come to terms with everything.

Mr. Yellow was very reluctant to speak to The Trapped Butterfly. She would look at him and he would turn away from her. After several pleas to talk to Mr. Yellow, Roo got him to come talk to her.

Again, The Trapped Butterfly tearfully explains that she never meant to hurt him and she was so sorry. Mr. Yellow got teary eyed and hugged her. She ended up getting them back and they all just moved on.

She hated it when she woke up in the morning. It was one of those dreams that continued despite her brief awakenings throughout the night. It made her feel sad and depressed.

The very next night she had another long dream about them. This time they were taking care of her while her husband had to go do something. With her severe cerebral palsy, she truly can’t be left alone at all and sometimes this crosses over into her dreams.

In this dream, Mr. Yellow was carrying her around the house and Roo did some dressing and she sat with her on the couch so that The Trapped Butterfly wouldn’t fall over. It was normal except for some weird people popping in and out. But they were high and goofing around like they used to do.

When her husband arrived back at their house, The Trapped Butterfly told him how great they were with her and how much fun they had. Her husband was so relieved.

Waking up from this dream after the one the night before had her very sad and wanting so badly to be able to get back what they’ve lost. But Roo is mentally ill and narcissistic like The Trapped Butterfly’s mother and other family members. It hurts so much. Her husband came clean about seeing a little more of how Roo was throwing a certain project that they were doing in her face later in the day.

The Trapped Butterfly can only hope that the future will hold friends that are healthy. She can only hope that the lizard leg will be finished soon enough since they had to cancel the appointment due to the fall they took the 2.5 weeks ago.

She will not let any more narcissists take advantage of her again if she can help it.

She will continue to grieve for her old life. And tomorrow is 16 years since her first kitty crossed the rainbow bridge. She will always remember people but she will never let them hurt her and her husband again.

The Gate

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The Trapped Butterfly is still in pain after the horrific fall that her husband and her took a week and a half ago. Not fun when you have no choice but to sit in a wheelchair for hours in order to live. She is finally getting better as is her husband. But she is still struggling with the anxiety of falling again despite her ability to count the number of times that they have fallen in the past 24 years together on one hand. The story of the fall is for another time when she feels ready to write it. Not tonight.

Tonight she finds herself feeling depressed, sad, angry, exhausted. She is an open book anyway which often gets criticized because others are much more private than she is. Don’t tell her not to post something that is directly related to her. She feels so triggered because before she had to cut ties with her narcissistic mother and other family, her mother would be controlling and criticizing of some of her social media posts. Bull shit! She has a right to post whatever she wants as long as it doesn’t violate someone’s outright privacy. They do what they want.

However, The Trapped Butterfly is currently seeing why it may not always be worth giving details of her life online. Yet, she wants to be supported and encouraged especially when she is going on three fucking years of not being able to just be around people. God damn Covid. God damn the people that won’t do everything to help keep it as low as possible!

People who mean well were giving her ideas from getting an aide to getting a lift to help her husband with her care. She knows that they want to help them, but only one person recognizes that she and her husband have been talking about it and trying to get help but they don’t qualify for the type of help they require. They’ve tried many times. The second she got married almost 20 years ago she lost all her disability benefits. The fucking USA expects the disabled population to live way below the poverty line in order to get the help they need with extremely expensive adaptive equipment and services that will allow them to live independently and comfortably.

And now Covid has made it pretty much impossible for them to even try again because they are so high risk. She had a very telling dream the other night that they were going to a made up mall. When they got into the parking lot, there was a huge cement gate with the name of the university that she had went to and it was closed. The Trapped Butterfly looked at her husband like, “what the fuck?” The door of the gate was metal and dark while the rest of the gate was cement and brick.

Somehow her husband was able to find a way around the wall but when they started walking around the mall, every store was being packed up. She doesn’t remember but she doesn’t think anyone would interact with them.

It was such a weird, short dream but her husband said that it is obvious that she felt trapped and rejected. Basically, unseen.

Bingo! As people have brought up things that have been hard for her her whole life…Getting someone who is willing to do everything for her (feed, lift, take her to the bathroom, physically help with her schoolwork) wasn’t easy even when the damn school district was hiring and paying for them while she was in school. Thankfully, her parents found her a perfect babysitter until the babysitter moved after she finished her first year of high school. Then there were a couple other people that cared for her after school and on days off.

She found one aide after a first try when she graduated high school and the state was paying for them. That aide was with her for a few years before she had to quit. They had to get an agency that could provide aides quickly. The main aide was great. But a sub didn’t understand that she was talking when she talked. The Trapped Butterfly had to get a teacher to explain to the aide that every time she spoke, she wasn’t just “making noises.”

When the state decided that they couldn’t use the agency anymore and had to hire someone independently, they, again, looked through lists of people who wanted to work with in home care for people with disabilities and put an ad in the paper. But The Trapped Butterfly was in community college and her mother had to keep working, so her wonderful husband, then boyfriend/fiancé eventually quit his job and became her aide.

They were lucky that the university helped with aides for certain things that her husband didn’t want to do. Besides, she wanted to prove herself with other people helping her out. Her husband was still her primary caregiver and aide at the university.

After she graduated from the university, they went through the degrading process of trying to get the state to pay for someone to just sit with her for a few hours a couple days a week so her husband could ride his motorcycle but they didn’t qualify so they had to pay for the person who wasn’t always reliable. Thankfully, The Trapped Butterfly’s friend offered to have her over for free just to hang out.

Now the ongoing pandemic has limited her ability to do anything. There’s a fucking closed gate in front of her that unlike her dream, there’s NO WAY TO GET AROUND SAFELY!! Trapped AGAIN…

The Dark RAGE

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Reader discretion is strongly advised. This is totally fiction!

The needle goes deep into the muscle! “Shut the fuck up,” she screams. He looks up at her with fear and shock. He is an anti-vax person who thinks vaccines are going to kill people.

She roughly pushes the liquid into his arm. She has him tied to his chair. His feet are tied to the leg of the chair. She wraps him up with straps that are so tight that he can’t fucking move! All he does now is plead with her and lie to try to get free. He doesn’t want the shot but she is giving it to him.

He screams in horror when she pushes the rest of the liquid into his arm. She yanks the needle out. “What’s the matter? You got a little shot? Awwww, poor baby.” she says tauntingly. “Why’d you do that to me?” he pathetically asks.

She gets a half smile and half rage look on her face and says to him, “Because it’s good for you and because I’m fucking sick of people like you making us suffer so you can be free!” “Do you know how fucking tired of it I am? It’s making me crazy! Now I’m even more unseen and alone!” She gets right in his masked face that she tied around his head. She makes him peer into her angry eyes.

“How ya feeling?” she asks in a angry and sarcastic tone. “Are you dying yet?” “You know how these are supposed to kill people?” Her rage and anger are undeniable. She has been trying so hard to be respectful of others, but yet, keep advocating for truth and science regardless. Covid is deadly but people are just moving on like it’s not even serious anymore and ignoring people who are high risk and not as visible to the public as the majority.

So she stole the vaccine from the hospital and then she went to the place where he worked. She was able to subdue him and plunge the damn shot in his arm. She leaves him there for his wife to find him. Soon it will be the wife’s turn to get her shot!

The Night Trip

Posted on by The Trapped Butterfly

Her husband pushes her out the front door into the darkness. She is so excited to be going out at night. She actually can’t remember the last time she was going somewhere at night due to the ongoing pandemic that people are trying to ignore now.

It is a warm night for the end of December. Just days before it had been sub freezing with wind chills of -27 degrees. Tonight it was windy but in the 50s. The minute she is outside she gets an overwhelming peace throughout her whole body. The wind blows her hair. The Christmas lights and the regular lights are so sparkly. The night sky is so beautiful despite the clouds that block out all the stars.

The Trapped Butterfly takes a deep breath and exclaims that it is so beautiful!

In the vehicle, she sits and looks at all the lights on the dashboard. Again, absolutely beautiful! The Christmas lights on the front porch of her house are so bright! She revels in the neighbor’s Christmas lights and the “new” world that is surrounding her.

As they drive, she honestly feels like she is tripping. Yes, she is high on pot and some wine from dinner, but she hasn’t felt like this in a while. It is true “beginner’s mind” as meditation teaches. She can’t believe how much there’s to see in the darkness.

The way the headlights are shining on the trees giving them an eerie glow. The lights from houses shining through the trees. Looking out into the horizon and seeing the patches of light in the sky from towns miles away from them. It’s a beautiful contrast between empty dark skies and land and the bright lights of towns that are not even visible except for the small light patches in the sky.

She loves catching glimpses of Christmas lights inside people’s houses even if the outside don’t have lights. She loves watching the lights of the headlights reflecting off everything that they are passing. She just feels so much peace and joy in this beautiful moment. She even sees a live deer standing in the ditch.

The Christmas drive through light fair is rather disappointing because it used to pretty much cover the whole fair ground, but it is rather small and she enjoys it as they drive through it twice, but they are both really disappointed that it isn’t anything near what it was before the pandemic started. They haven’t been here in two years due to Covid and being so afraid to even pay for it. They still are forced to drastically limit their contact with people, and her husband always wears masks. But this year she was insistent in going to the light fair as they did every year before Covid since they moved down here. Her husband wore his mask to pay the lady and sanitized his hands before removing his mask.

The peace of the simple act of going for a ride at night to see Christmas lights will hopefully keep giving her the strength to keep being trapped from how she used to live. It’s also teaching her just how much people take everyday things for granted.

From the Calm app